....It's The Lil' Things That Make Life Sweet....

Alone.

2009-11-11T06:04:00.002+08:00

Alone.

It's so quiet here......well not really. The frogs are croaking. I can here my roomie's audio book playing. There's a motorcycle that just passed by. And there's that soft hum of the laptop.

I can hear the my brain working. It's tired. It wants a break. So much has happened. I wish I could stay happy for a little while longer but things are pretty set on being bad lately.

And through all this, I feel so alone. For once, I feel like I have no one I can depend on. There used to be a sure person I could go to at times like these. But today I realised that I don't have that someone anymore. Everyone that could be has either drifted or has too much going on in life to really be there. Or here.

I miss home. I miss having absolutely nothing to worry about. I miss being taken care of.

It worried me when I realised that if I keep this up, I'll probably be taking care of people all my life. I am quite tired. My back hurts even. It really hurts. I'm at a point where I want to be taken care of. I want to not worry and be stressed out about things. I want someone to tell me that things will be okay and that I can sit back and relax and watch things unfold...nicely.

But I know better. Not going to happen in awhile. Unless I take a new turn in life.

Perhaps it's why I'm planning to move home. I miss the stability. I miss the comfort of knowing that these people will love me no matter my flaws. I miss talking to people who genuinely care and take a keen interest on my well being.

I'm tired of dealing with crap. With shitty attitudes and jokes that are not funny and expectations and stubborn people who aren't willing to compromise or don't really give a shit about how I'll feel. I'm tired of acting like I'm fine with it, laughing it off or not saying anything because I don't want to make a big deal or create tension or a scene. I'm tired of waiting, empty promises and endless excuses. I'm tired of being conscious of being demanding when I never have been. I'm tired of doing and sacrificing so much without much in return. I'm tired of explaining myself or trying to make people feel better. I'm tired of people talking down to me and making me feel like crap. I'm tired of insults. I'm tired of anger. I'm tired.

I just want people to be nice to me.

And maybe that's why I feel so alone.

How things unfold.

2009-11-10T02:54:00.003+08:00

So it's been awhile...

And I'm at the apartment I've made home for the past 2 and half months, thinking that I'm going to miss it when I leave. And I'm going to leave this place soon. To where, I still have no clue. But I'm thankful that I've been surrounded by kind souls who have offered their hearts and spaces to me. I am one lucky person.

So much has happened in this two months. My life took a tremendous turn. It was so different yet very comfortable. I had the time of my life. I've met so many wonderful people and had so many memorable days, nights and moments. And it's all because of these people who've made such a difference in the life I once found stagnantly dull.

I wish and hoped for change, and I got it. Living out is incredibly liberating. Earning my own moolah feels incredibly good. Being able to take my family out for dinners makes me very very happy. And having things happen without much planning on my part is incredibly refreshing.

So let's list the things that has given my poor jaded soul a little lift in these past months.

- The awesome activities at work. The people at work. Team Dublin Phase II. :)
- The apartment I live in. Rent free. Extremely comfortable. Lake view. 24hrs air-conditioned. Cleaners every Thursday.
- Chicken Nuggets and Wedges.
- Toast with Butter and Jam.
- Hilter on a lamp (it kinda grew on me)
- My Strawberry scented shower cream.
- Futsal every Thursday.
- The infamous company trip with awesome company.
- Movies every night.
- Dinosaur stickers.
- Emailing Chenn from work.
- Naked days at the apt when Damo is away. :D
- Curling up in my bed under 2 thick duvets.
- The smell of the apt once I enter the doors.
- The view of the lake out on the balcony.
- That midnight jog. :P
- The oven. Where the yummy chicken nuggets and wedges would magically appear!
- Damo. The best roomie ever. Such a huge improvment from my last experience. I know you've been wanting me to write this, so here you go. I do secretly think you're awesome, despite the constant abuse I get from you. I may not say it often, probably not at all, but I'll always be grateful to you for offering me a place here. I didn't think I'll have so much fun, but having you as my roomie will probably be one of those memories I'll cherish forever. *tear* You've been very kind DH. :)
- Pui Yin. Probably one of the craziest person I'll ever know. You probably wouldn't read this or know about it, but you're definitely one of my favourite persons. I love your zest for life. You are who you are and you make no excuses for it and I love that. You've opened my eyes to a different world and I'm really thankful to you for sharing. :)
- Kurin. The first person I really liked when I started working. You've been so nice to me and you're that rare someone that I can connect with from the very start.
- Garth. For finally coming!! You deserve a whole entry about yourself so I'm just going to say that you've been incredible and you've made me fall in love with you all over again. Wavu boo boo. <3

As I write this, I feel like a deflated balloon. Like the best part of this life has just passed and I've reached a plateau. There is another wave of change I feel coming. I don't know what this change is. I don't know if it's good or bad. I hope it's not bad although things hasn't exactly been sunshiney since Garth left. :( And now I have to move out of this comfortable hole and lose one of the best roomies ever. Boo. :(

But this 2 months has been eventful. I think I was mostly happy. :) I wouldn't change it for the world.

November seems adamant on being shitty.

Let's hope December will bring about some good stuff and love. It is afterall, Christmas time.

Please don't suck.

Rant

2009-09-17T02:10:00.003+08:00

Peter Pan.

My head feels light, my stomach is the battlefield for the siege of Troy, my legs feel alien, I'm bleeding profusely from my hoo-hoo and all I can think of is Peter Pan.

Weird.

I want to fly and never grow up. I want to live in Never Never Land. I want to wear all green and have pointy ears. And I want to be a boy.

I think it makes sense now that I'm thinking of Peter Pan. Peter is a symbol of freedom from all forms of female pains and obstacles. Peter has a penis and penises do not bleed unless you cut them. Peter has it good.

I on the other hand wish that someone would do a David Copperfield and cut me into half. My lower abdomen is completely useless.

My feet are cold and my bangs are too long I can barely read what I'm typing right now.

I need a back massage. I think there is something growing on my neck.

I want food and I am itchy.

I promise a proper update on my life soon.

I just feel like making no sense today because I want to talk but have nothing of importance to talk about.

The lights are pretty tonight. :)

2009-07-13T21:19:00.004+08:00

I'm home.

So yesterday I officially moved in to my new apartment. I started my new job today too. And now I'm back in Kepong. :P

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking. Shut it. I have my reasons.

There is no internet at the apartment and I need it for my job. I'll be undergoing 2 weeks of training starting tomorrow and my work hours will be from 3pm to 12am. I know it looks horrible but I think it suits me just fine. :D Who knew that my crazy sleeping habits will serve a purpose one day. :D

So, first day on my first proper job. The induction was long and boring but that is to be expected. There are 12 people in the new intake, and well...let's say that they're not a chatty bunch....which is kind of weird since this is no longer school and people should open up more and build contacts when they're in the working world (especially if we're going to be colleagues). There were lots of awkward silences, most weren't very receptive even though I went out of my way to break the ice by throwing random questions and just babbling my head off....which is a feat for me because I haven't done that in awhile. But I did meet some really friendly people. One girl even offered me to stay at her place but it's a tad far from Kepong so although I'm keen, I'm also a wee bit reluctant about the distance. We will see how that one unfolds.

This may be too early to say but so far the overall impression I got from the company today was pretty good. I liked that this is a really global company with global staffs. I got a kick out of hearing a few different accents all in one day. :D Irish, German, French, British and of course, Malaysian. It was interesting to hear English spoken in so many different ways though I wanted to burst out laughing when the Head of Department who's French spoke, because when I zoned out and stopped trying to make out his English, it sounded so much like French gibberish. :D
Another thing that I liked was the pantry because there's a plasma TV, a vending machine for junk food, a fridge filled with endless supplies of cold drinks (100plus, Coke, Just Tea, and Ribena!! Woot!!), and a coffee machine that makes not only plain coffee but cafe machiatto, cafe au lait, cafe mocha and even teh tarik. :D Sure they don't have a foosball table like in HSBC but I can live with that. Downside is that they blocked access to Gmail, Facebook and possibly every site that's not work related. So yeah, no internet at the apartment AND at work. Boooo. They do have an internet kiosk but I guess I'll only be able to access it during my 1 hour break which might be split into a few short breaks because of the nature of my job. Double boooo.

And as for the apartment, I don't think I've ever mopped or swept the floor so many times before. It's so dirty and I have no idea how my housemates can stand it. I wouldn't mind the floor so much if it doesn't have a direct impact on the state of my bathroom. Dirty floor = Dirty feet = Black feet stains on wet toilet floor. If there is ONE thing I cannot stand it is wet toilet floors. Now, not only my toilet floor is perpetually wet because it's so small and there's no shower curtain, it has black stains all over it. Like a typical Malaysian public toilet. BWARGH. Yesterday, I washed the toilet floor like a crazy woman and it was so clean and to my horror, I came home to a toilet floor marked with black feet stains today. *tears hair out* :( And you know what? I HATE cleaning, which is why I barely do any of it at home. And now I'm mopping floors and washing toilets two days in a row. I am NOT looking forward to it. I just hope that after talking to my housemates, they'll be more considerate and make the place more liveable or I'm out of there.

So yeap, that sums up my new life so far. Bittersweet.

Right now I'm looking for Streamyx package deals so that I can get the internet up and running at my place because I will need it for work.

I hope I'll survive these internet-less days ahead. It absolutely sucks when there is absolutely nothing to do at the apartment. :(

The next time I blog, it'll be from my new place. :D Don't miss me people. Tata!

Faith

2009-07-08T21:28:00.004+08:00

I can't wait for this to be over.

Some months ago, I told myself that I know that this bout of depression will end and that I'll have to patiently wait for that day to come. I knew that things will get better and I will not be stuck in this rut forever. I knew that I would be once again free from this and have my mind be calm once again.

But it's been too long and I have been falling in and out of it so often that I'm on the verge of giving up. I know that there are potentially exciting things lined up for me soon but I'm afraid I can't get myself there. The occasional distractions aren't enough to make up for the large numbers of empty lonely days that I had to endure. I never thought that I would be one to succumb to loneliness but I am beginning to think it has taken a toll on me.

And what is frustrating me even more is the fact that I have no idea when I'll be able to move to my new apartment. I'm royally pissed off because everything is being handled so slowly and I have to keep chasing and pushing for things to be done. Work starts next week and I'm not even settled at my new place yet. This also brings the level of suck-dom in life up a few notches.

With everything I'm feeling right now, I feel like shedding everything in my life and start all over. I want a fresh start and to be able to do things right this time - taking on new opportunities, be more proactive, meet more people, have more fun and not over-think and overanalyse every single thing I'm about to do. I'm always so cautious with my choices. For once, I feel like doing anything that feels right.

I feel so hollow inside, like whatever spirit I have is fizzling out. I want so desperately to feel alive again. I just hope that while I'm on this path, I don't self-destruct by making stupid choices.

But I guess screwing up is part and parcel of life right? Perhaps this is my turn. People only get wiser learning from dumb decisions.

Dreams

2009-06-24T18:46:00.002+08:00

Dreams.

I've always slept through the night without them. Lately, everytime I fall asleep, I find myself awake in another realm with the bizarres surrounding me. My dreams have been really really weird and they occur every night. Sometimes I wake up remembering them vividly, sometimes I only feel the racing of my heart with no recollection of what I saw in my mind.

I've dreamt of being chased by a deranged woman who wants my blood. >__<
I've dreamt that a friend who all of a sudden looked like Frankenstien, professed his love for me.
I've dreamt of people dying.
I've dreamt of things happening and woke up and had the exact thing happening that very day.
I've dreamt of him leaving me.
I've dreamt of running.

Why can't I dream of ponies and rainbows instead? :(

I love you

2009-06-20T01:49:00.000+08:00

It feels like 1234.

You.
The first thing I look for when I wake up even when I know you're not there.

You.
The voice I want to hear everyday.

You.
I miss sorely even after talking 5 minutes ago.

You.
Still give me butterflies when I look at your pictures.

You.
Who do facebook stuff for me that you so hate.

You.
Challenge my beliefs and ego.

You.
Make me feel better.

You.
Make me laugh.

You.
Let me burp and talk about poop.

You.
Always so kind to me.

You.
Understand me.

You.
Doing this crazy thing with me.

You.
I can't wait to see.

You.
I love.

Papa's Day

2009-06-21T23:14:00.003+08:00

This is my Papa.

Everyone says I look like a female version of my dad. Unfortunately for me, that means having a really round face. :P When I was young, I used to laugh at my papa's receding hairline to which he retorted, "Don't laugh, wait till your turn!" to which I brushed off with more jokes about his shiny head. At 23, I think I'm balding. :( My papa has very strong genes.

Now, his looks are not all I inherited. I inherited his stubborness and his quick temper which is the root of all our squabbles when I was an angsty teen. I inherited his impatience, where I'd get annoyed at people for being slow just as he would when he thinks I'm being slow. I also inherited his blatant gross sense of humour which I am proud of. This is the man who is responsible for all the poop talk and weird uncensored thoughts I have and I love him for it. And for those of you who question why I'm so short, I also inherited his height. -___-

Ever since I could remember, my dad has been my hero. This is the man that used to spend hours with me at the Barbie Doll section in Toy'r'us to pick a doll I want. This is the man who always bought me ice cream when my mother said no. This is the man who created a bedtime story for me when I couldn't sleep. This is the man who bathe me in smelly Pinetasol liquid when I had Chicken Pox. This is the man who filed my nails and stroked my head till I go to sleep.

And at 23, this man would still fly kites with me. He'd buy me silly knick knacks from the pasar malam. He bought me a strawberry document file for university. He'd buy me my favourite kuih from the makcik stall nearby. He never lets me drive because he claims my driving makes his balls shrink (his exact words). He rescues me from flat tires and lizards. He took me to all my job interviews. :P And he still buys me ice cream. :D

This is the man who gave me everything I have today. I have no words to describe how lucky I feel.

Today, I found out that he has a picture of me as a wallpaper on his phone.

:)

FAIL!

2009-06-19T21:07:00.005+08:00

FAIL.

I wonder what are photoes. Mutant toes? Toes that photosynthesize? Maybe I should request to see them. :D

Anyone think I should submit this to fail blog?

By far, the funniest thing to happen today. *chuckles*

Growing up...

2009-06-19T02:51:00.003+08:00

Umm...23 is young right?

Now, I never thought that there will be a day where I'll worry about getting/being old.

Really now, where did all that time go? I still remember being 16........Crap. Actually my memories of being 16 has become more vague. >__< I guess you just can't fight time.

I guess all girls have had this conversation before. At a slumber party, during recess, during class, on the phone, we've all talked about how old we want to be when we get married, how many kids we want, what kind of husband we want. Yes, we talked about it like we knew what it was all about. I remember I wanted to be married at 26, wanted 2 kids and my husband was going to be Bob Saget. Yes, when I was a boob-less, armpit hair-less 8 year old, I had a HUGEEEEE crush on Bob Saget (If you don't know who Bob Saget is, think Full House or America's Funniest Home Videos). Yes, I was into older men and didn't even realise it.

Now that I'm 23, I cannot imagine myself being married in 3 years. I blame this on my parents constantly treating me like I'm 5. I don't even feel like a full fledge adult, how on earth do I even think of being someone's wife. And the idea of committing to someone for the rest of your life till death do us part, that's just too much.

However, the idea of kids is nice. I've been finding myself more drawn to babies lately. Not just cute babies, but the ugly ones too (Now before you judge me, remember that time where you thought that baby looked like a monkey or a creature? Yeah. Don't judge me). There was this baby that made a lasting impression. On my way back home from Redang, a couple with a kid was sitting right in front of me in the bus. Because she was constantly moving right in front of me, I had no choice but to observe her for a full 7 hours. It was........sweet. The way she smiled at her mother. The mischevious look she had when she was being playful. That was all very cute but she did one thing that amazed me so much that I still remember that beautiful picture till this day. The way she snuggled next to her mother's chest, laying her head on her mother's shoulder with a look that could not be described with anything else besides love. It was a pure untainted love. It looked like she didn't want to be anywhere else. It looked like she never felt as safe. The softness in her eyes indicating no fear of the dangers in the world. The tiny content smile because she was happy. Dammit, I want someone to love me like that too! This beats the love in The Notebook anytime! But childbirth. Ugh. I don't think I'm ready to squeeze a tiny human out of my hoo-hoo anytime soon. I wonder how some women do it. I know of women my age who are like baby making factories. Respect.

And as for Bob Saget, I have repented and know now that it is wrong to be in love with someone old enough to be your father. But hey, if it's your thing, I'm not judging and wish you all the happiness in the world. I just think it's kind of sick but, no, I'm not judging. :D

Anyway I've digressed quite a bit because my point is despite what I think, I am actually old enough to think about these things. I'm no longer too young and no one is going to tell me to wait till I'm older and to focus on my studies because I'm even done with that! Hah!

I know of some women whose life's ambition is to be married and have kids. While I do tend to take it easy and have no plans of becoming some corporate hotshot, I don't really believe in marriage. However, that doesn't mean I don't believe in love, because I do. I believe that love can exist without marriage but some marriages do exist without love. If I should ever be expected to visit the idea of marriage, I have to be convinced that I'm going to get "The Notebook" love. One that is forever and can't be ruined by anything, not even Alzheimer's. One where I'll still be beautiful in his eyes even when I have 10 pounds of lard hanging out like it's a good day.

It can't only happen in movies. If people can speak of such tales, then it must exist. And I am not settling for less.

Yeap, won't be getting married any time soon. Sigh~

Resolution

2009-06-12T18:26:00.003+08:00

I'm gonna be happy clappy, I don't care.

Dear Amelia,

You start work in a month. It could mark the beginning of a new life or it could very well be the very end of life. You will no longer have Friday nights. You will no longer have the freedom to mamak whenever you want. Please cherish the days you have left and live it to the fullest. No, lying in bed all day isn't living it to the fullest. Okay, if it makes you happy, then do it but only because it makes you happy and not because it's a way to hide from the world. There is no reason to be depressed. Being depressed is a waste of time. You are very capable of being happy. Be happy. Enjoy life. Go out even when you have no where to go. Go hiking. Go to the park. Ask people you haven't seen in yonks, out. Stop being lazy just because you can. You don't have much time left. The window for absolute freedom is closing fast. Appreciate it. Be weird, be crazy, be jovial, be bursting with energy, be happy wappy because that is how you want to remember the moments you have left.

Your life doesn't suck. You have good things going for you. So, shed the sad facade and be that jolly person that you so miss.

Love,
Your brain.

Angry

2009-06-08T20:54:00.003+08:00

Pissed off.

I'm in such a bad mood today. Everything is in a shade of ugly. Everything is wrong. I hate everything and everyone.

I hate that my face is so fat.
I hate that I don't know if I'll have a place to live in July.
I hate that I have to lie to my Mom about certain things.
I hate not being able to tell the truth.
I hate living in a lie.
I hate how my relationship started.
I hate seeing her face.
I hate that people are so superficial and shallow.
I hate going into the SmartTag lane when all I have is a Touch n'Go card and I end up stalling the lane.
I hate going shopping when I feel bad about buying things.
I hate that my cellphone isn't fixed yet.
I hate that I haven't watched the movies I want to yet.
I hate that I can't ask anyone to hang out anymore because everyone's busy.
I hate that when I start working, everyone will be free to hang out.
I hate people that talk too much.
I hate people who talk as if they know so much.
I hate that people expect me to care when I don't.
I hate trying to regain control of my life when it's so hard to do.
I hate that my happiness depends on his actions.
I hate that he doesn't do anything.
I hate that I'm losing myself over something that might not even be worth it.
I hate not knowing what my future holds.
I hate that I'm worried about my job when it hasn't even started.
I hate having no answers.
I hate being disappointed over and over again.
I hate being THE disappointment.
I hate forms that make me fill up what RACE I am.
I hate filling up forms.
I hate going to the bank.
I hate going to two banks and be told to go to another bank to get things done.
I hate not being able to sleep for long hours anymore.
I hate waking up crying.
I hate being afraid.
I hate this anger I have right now.

I'm going to lock myself in my room and shut off my phone.

Boohoo

2009-05-26T00:27:00.003+08:00

This made me cry.

Pure untainted love. Beautiful.

Thank Joanna, for the vid. Stole it from your blog. :P

*****************************************************************************

I watched this 10 times now and I still get goosebumps and teary eyed at it.

I want a pet Lion.

Personality test.

2009-05-15T18:08:00.004+08:00

I'm ENFP.

ENFPs have a tendency to overextend themselves in both their physical and emotional commitments. Their proclivity to procrastinate and to overlook details complicates their circumstances. ENFPs often move on to new ventures without completing those they have already started. Their charming personalities can show signs of irritability and over-sensitivity when their desires to please different people come into conflict. During times of stress, ENFPs feel alienated. They then engage in deceptions that serve to obscure what is occurring within themselves.

The ENFP finds symbolic meanings behind the immediate circumstances. These meanings are construed as foreboding problems when ENFPs are under stress. Having a pervasive feeling of losing control over their own independent identities, ENFPs will feel virtually split apart by intruding circumstances. They will be "besides themselves" and "just not all there" — as if something, or someone, has taken away the essence of who they are. Not feeling like themselves, the ENFP will become subject to their own feelings of shame for being a phony, a fake or an impostor. If stress continues to grow, they may attribute malevolent schemes to others in order to explain away their fears.

This is surprisingly pretty accurate and speaks volumes about me.

Got this from a friend when I was complaining about having nothing to do. If you have some extra time to spare, take the test @ Personality Test Center and tell me what type you are. :D

Hmmmm....

2009-05-14T20:51:00.009+08:00

Going public.

The purpose of a blog is to allow a space for expression. A space for random ideas, deep thoughts, retrospection and also sudden mind spasms.

I started blogging when I was 16. Or was it 15? Anyway, it's been nearly 7 years since that day I took a bold step into being tech savvy (or at least I thought I was being tech savvy, and to be fair, I started blogging way before the blogging fad hit Malaysia :P).

I used to keep a diary. I had two. The first one, a green and blue book with pictures of cartoon fishes and a heart shape lock and key. The second one, a red Hello Kitty one with a heart shape lock and key too. They were extremely small and hard to write in. I started the first one when I was 9, wrote in pencil and had huge ass handwriting and I wrote so religiously I filled up the entire teensy book within 6 months. The second diary was written in pen. Blue pen. Writing in pen sucks because I swear my hand has a life of its own and loves writing before my brain can think. So the second diary was filled with many crossed out words and blotchy correction liquid spots. But I took pride in my diaries. They were my personal space, my non-living confidante that allowed me to express my thoughts and feelings. I took pride in decorating the pages. Glitter pens, coloured pens, Keropi the Frog stickers, dried leaves and cut outs of pictures that I thought I looked good in. :P

I wrote in such an honest way. The occurences of my life written in detail. Names, dates, feelings, places, there was nothing to hide because no one would know. But then I started writing less frequently and eventually lost the key to the lock -___- .

At first blogging was fun. The hidden attention whore in me revelled in the idea that my writings were being viewed by the public. It made it seem like whatever I had to say, however little it may be, meant something. My thoughts were out there. And somehow, it made it seem like they mattered. Then blogging evolved into a medium for my friends to be updated on my life. It was a way to keep in touch. But now, I feel so exposed. My thoughts are no longer private and I cannot write as freely as I would like to. Every entry that served as a emotional release for me had to be written in some sort of cryptic way, so I can express myself without revealing too much. It seems to me that blogging, has somehow lost its purpose.

But then again, it is only public because I make it public. Perhaps I should start a private blog where I can be more honest and open about myself without stirring anyone's sensitivities.

I also realise that I no longer blog about my daily routines. Well to be fair, my daily routine these days are hardly worth mentioning. Infact I can sum it up with two words.

Sleep.

Bum.

However today I did go out. Hurray!! I watched Star Trek because everyone was saying it was awesome and yes, it was awesome. Captain James Tiberius Kirk is quite the hawt. The dude that played Spock still exuded too much Sylar-ness for me to believe that he's actually a good guy. I was half expecting him to do that finger brain slicing thing in every scene he was in. The dude just looks too bad ass and should play bad ass villian roles forever. I think Kirk makes a really quirky name for a pet Goldfish. :D Oh, and what's up with the female crew wearing mini skirts? Typical American film sexing things up for their audience. I couldn't help rolling my eyes. It's a battleship for goodness sakes. This is where Battlestar Galactica rocks. It's realistic and the females wear pants and can kick ass. Mini skirts? Pah.

I also had lunch in Zanmai Sushi with Sean and Ian today. Actually I had lunch at home but Ian was hungry and Sean suggested Zanmai Sushi. I welcomed the idea because I passed the place while walking to the cinema to meet them and was fantasizing about Salmon Sashimi. Sean practically ordered every freaking thing on the menu. I love my cousins because we share the same passion for food. Infact the whole day was spent talking about food and how much we love them. Salted egg butter crabs, lamb burger, roast chicken, tortilla, pasta, roti bakar cheese. Wargh.

My baby cousins so hamsem. :D

Disappointment

2009-05-12T19:28:00.004+08:00

Disappointment.

I've had my fair share. In myself. In my family. In my friends. In life.

Is it really safer to have no expectations? To not hope? To not dream of better things? But what would life and the relationships in it be without all that?

You cannot expect others to want the same thing.

Do I pick up and leave to find the one person who's interests are perfectly aligned with mine?

I really really wanted it to be you.

I often wonder if you know. I don't understand why you do the things you do. You probably don't understand it yourself.

What do I do?

You tell me.

Because I'm not fighting for this anymore.

Which one?

2009-05-04T19:30:00.000+08:00

My brain hurts.

Because I have been thinking too much. Usually it starts with something simple, like what do I feel like having for brunch tomorrow. Bacon. Wanton Mee. Roti Canai. Then I'll start thinking about the things I can do with my day. Then I'll realise that I haven't much to do. Then I'll start reflecting upon my life, the many issues that plague it. And there are many many many issues one you start digging them up. Upon digging up these issues, I'll get overwhelmed and want to talk to someone. But oh crap, it's 4am in the morning, no one is awake. And then I cry. After wiping away all my facial mucus and snot, I go to sleep.

Rinse and repeat.

You see, life isn't a bitch. We are. Yes, we are all bitches because we're constantly bitching.

Take me for an example. Few months ago, I was depressed and sad and felt like the biggest failure on earth. It was all "Oh woe, woe is me! I have no options because I suck". So I sit in a corner and cry. Stay under the sheets until my legs become so hairy, I'm a man.

And after all that, I find out that I do have options, that I don't suck that bad. I should be pretty darn happy right? The world should be all rainbows and sunshines and ponies and care bears right? But nooo. It's "Oh woe, woe is me! I have too many options, I don't know what to do! This sucks".

Someone should smack the bejesus out of me.

This shows that nothing is easy. Nothing.

If my life is the way it was a year ago, making this decision might be a lot easier. Things were different then. I didn't have so much to consider. I didn't want so many things. Well, there weren't many for me to want in the first place. :P I had a different mindset. Different goals. A different vision of what my future would be like.

But now, there are so many more elements in my life. My future looks a little different now. Actually it looks REALLY different. -____- So different that the old me would have a heart attack.

This is so very hard though. I want what I want but yet I still want to stay true to myself. I'm trying to look at the bigger picture but heck, I don't even know which big picture I should look at. I have TWO dammit.

WHICH ONE?!?! Ya Allah, help me.

I need to make a pro/con list.

But something tells me I've made up my mind.

Btw I'm having chocolate cake. :D

A change of pace?

2009-04-30T00:44:00.003+08:00

Hullo!!

Life has been slow for me for a couple of months. Infact it was so slow, it was utterly horrid. I had no direction, no confidence and the road ahead was a dark forbidding fog of uncertainty. I was at my lowest of lows. It took me months to find myself again.

I'm proud that I did. Proving that no one stays lost forever. It may take time but there is always an answer if you're willing to seek it. Of course I had some help along the way. Patient ears to listen to my constantly depressed voice. Kind hearts that embraced me even at my most undesirable state. You know who you are. I will be eternally grateful.

I am now in a place where I can be happy. I am once again capable of embracing happiness. Fully and truthfully. I've never appreciated it as much as I did today. I guess it is inevitable then. No one can truly understand happiness if they have yet experience sadness. It sounds incredibly sadistic but it is absolutely necessary.

Yes.

My life is changing and I am once again to traverse new territories. All these years of hating change, I am now going to embrace it. Wholeheartedly. Come what may. I am ready.

Things to look forward to in the coming months.

Phan Shean's coming home. Yay! I am depending on you to cure my boredom and be my karaoke/food buddy.
Possible trip with Karen and Phan Shean to Pulau Perhentian.
Some family events and trips. A reason to dress up and look pretty is good for me.
A job. One that pays pretty well.
My own place albeit a room with possibly no air-conditioning (because I am keen on staying in a place with a swimming pool).
And one more thing I dare not mention lest I jinx it and it won't come true. >__<

May it all unfold nicely.

Forgiveness

2009-04-16T20:57:00.005+08:00

I watched Oprah.

I know this is very dated but read this. *click here*

I found it incredibly amazing that his father could forgive him. At first, I thought it was ridiculous and that maybe he's just as sick and wanted to get some air time on TV. But when the story started unfolding, I felt really bad for thinking that way because this is a man who had his entire life taken away from him. Imagine finding out that your son killed your family, the people you love most, your reason to live, your meaning of life. How could anyone be sane again? How could anyone want to live anymore, let alone live a normal life and have the capacity to forgive? How could one have faith in God after that?

I tried imagining being in his shoes. I would be angry, confused and so lost. There wouldn't even be time for forgiveness. I would be engulfed by darkness that would last an eternity.

But Kent Whitaker chose to forgive. He chose to live. He chose to rise to a place where very few could. He cleansed his heart of the poison of hatred and chose to heal. He was brave and strong enough to fight what most of us couldn't, wouldn't.

I was very inspired by his story. As I watched him speak about forgiveness, I couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness and awe. I imagined the thoughts that he had to overcome, the grief and the pain of it all, the guilt and the self-pity. Yet he emerged victorious.

The things he said struck a chord in me. He said he knew that the only way to heal was through forgiveness. Because he wanted a new life, after going through all the pain and grief. It's true that there is no point going through all the pain and never rising above it. No point suffering so badly and end up still bitter, vengeful and full of grudge. And I also was reminded that being bitter and vengeful is actually more harmful to me than others. It is poison.

Kent Whitaker also credited his strength to his faith in God. Faith is a life saver. It doesn't have to be specifically in God, a higher power or an organised religion. A person can have faith in all sorts of things. Having faith draws out our inner strength. Human beings need to believe in something, be it in a higher power or just the goodness of mankind, in order to summon that inner strength. We need a reason to believe, a reason to take that next step. Faith is a beautiful, powerful tool. It makes us amazing. It gives us greatness.

So there was I on my parents' bed, eating an ice-cream, feeling this rush of clarity. We choose who we want to become. Forgiveness is a choice. It is our choice. And when there is a choice between a happy life and a bitter life, it's really a no brainer.

We go through life searching for answers, thinking that there is some complex profound way to understanding things. But the reality is, profoundness is usually found in the simplest of teachings. It is usually found in things we've always known but choose to ignore and forget. Our answers are in the fundamentals. Love and forgiveness.

Today I've found my answers.

And I love Oprah. :D

Because you're amazing!

2009-04-17T00:26:00.003+08:00

Thank you baby!!

You rock my socks.

XOXOXOXO

Metamorphing.

2009-04-05T04:28:00.003+08:00

Change.

I can feel it in me. Something is brewing inside and it is about to emerge. I am at that point in my life where I feel like I am going to be a different person. This time, it is for real.

I'm am so incredibly sore with life. Never have I felt like this. Never so strongly. I'm seeing things differently, viewing people around me in a different light and am constantly feeling negative. I am so so fed up with it all.

As I sit here, feeling myself change, I feel an incredible amount of sadness. I've never envisioned this. For life to be so cruel and unforgiving. For myself to succumb to the very thing I try not to be. But admist all the negativity, how else can I fight it? I cannot thrive alone.

The saddest thing is that I can still feel bits of the old me, resisting this, wanting to fix it, wanting to feel differently, wishing that things were different. But they are not. Change happens all around, and though I've never quite understood nor accepted it in the past, I do now.

It is just so tiring faking enthusiasm and pretending to be okay with it all. I want to leave. I've exhausted all that I am here and I'm ready to leave. For some place where I can be who I want to be again. Because unless some miracle happens, I'm done here. I can no longer find it in myself to be that person.

Right now, I'm waiting for my moment. A temporary escape. An excuse to ignore it all, till I find that plane ticket out of this forlorn place, so that I can once again be who I really am.

May it come quick.

Men.

2009-03-07T01:05:00.005+08:00

Men.

I swear I was going to blog about how awesome Jason Mraz's concert was or how Slumdog Millionaire made me feel so good today...but this one issue has been gnawing at my mind on my way back home from a night out with the girls. I feel so strongly about it that I drove home a little quicker so that I can come back and blog about it.

So that I will never forget.

Men are dangerous. Men are volatile. Men lie. Men are apparently capable of loving more than one. Men have problems staying loyal because it is apparently in their genes to impregnate as many women as possible *roll eyes*. Men make too many excuses without ever owning up to them. And some men should really just shove their sticks up their own asses.

Men can be as despicable as they want but women should always remember that they don't have to stand for it.

Never ever be made to feel like you're second best.
A person who does not treat you like you're No. 1 DOES NOT deserve to be your No. 1.
Love is ALWAYS fair, with no one actually calculating.
If he is not treating you right, LEAVE, no matter how much you think you love him.
There is always someone better. Someone who will love you the way you want to be loved. Always know what you want and how you want to be treated and NEVER settle for less.
Never make excuses for him.
Never think that you don't deserve more. Because you do.
There is always a limit to understanding and compromise. Once crossed, say STOP, FINISH, DONE. BYE BYE.

This is why relationships can be so scary. Because you can lose yourself and be so infused with the idea of love (that probably once existed) that you can't find your way out. The worst is to love someone more than you love yourself. I never believed in that. I've always believed in loving myself first. It probably sounds selfish but I can't see myself loving or treating anyone right if I don't start with myself. Because if I know how to love myself I would know how to love others and treat them with the respect that I'd expect for myself.

Okay fine. If you must love someone more than you love yourself, at least make sure that that someone is worth it. There's nothing worst than giving your all to someone who doesn't give a rat's ass.

Ugh. I really cannot stand how some men can have the audacity to do so wrong and expect to be forgiven. I really cannot stand how these men can remain on a pedestal despite acting like the lowest life-form that deserves to be squish dead under your heels. I'd take them all down if I could. For causing all the hurt and the misery that no one deserves to endure.

ALL YOU CHEATERS, LIARS, MANIPULATORS SHOULD FALL OFF A CLIFF AND NOT DIE.

Okay, I feel better now that I got all that rage out. My god, I was so mad. I just really hate seeing people I love being mistreated.

Alright now I'm really tired. I shall go sleep. I hope I won't dream of killing certain people. >__<

Hi baby :) . Don't be scared. I love you and this does not apply to you okay. I know you're not sadistic enough to incur my wrath. :D :D :D <3

Some clarity?

2009-02-13T23:58:00.002+08:00

You want what you want.

And anything else wouldn't come close. There are some things that just can't be bent. No matter how hard you try to look at different angles to find an alternative answer, a solution, there's just no other way. There only that one way. No compromise. It is what it is. And the heart wants what it wants.

Being forced into compromise is like filling a balloon with water. It expands to accomodate the increasing amount of water but at a certain point, no more, and all will be a big messy puddle. To choose a side is equally difficult. It never ends well. Someone is bound to get hurt. Making such decisions is never easy. Being torned between two is possibly the suckiest feeling ever. But life is such that you can only have one. And you'll have to live with not having the other.

I'm always envious of people who can readily compromise, genuinely take a step back and make everything okay. I salute them because I know it's such a hard thing to do. To sincerely give in without bearing any ill feelings or thoughts. To just let go.

I want to be like that.

But alas, it is not to be.

I want what I want. And I can't lie to myself no more.

*end rant*

Another phase.

2009-02-11T01:14:00.002+08:00

It's a whirlwind.

If anyone were to have a peek at what's inside my head, that's what they'll see.

It's chaotic. It's random thoughts being thrown around. It's random ideas being formulated, discarded, resurfaced. There a whole clump of insecurity in one corner and paranoia in the other. There is a splash of self-doubt, a pool of fear and a pinch of madness.

And all that makes a very very messed up Amelia Tan.

Flashback, a year ago, I had it all together. I was in control and I was on a steady path. I had ambition and a vision. I knew what I wanted, or at least I thought I did. Never would I have imagine that one year later, I'll be here, an unemployed bum blasting Muse on the radio, questioning her existance in life. What's my purpose? What am I here for? Why am I feeling so uncontented? Why is the sky blue? Why is the moon round? I swear, the questions I ask sometimes. I need a supermassive black hole alright.

Do you really love me?

Why do you love me?

Have I been a good friend lately?

Do people hate me?

Am I being played?

Am I being delusional?

Do I matter?

Will people miss me if I died?

What kind of person am I?

Am I unworthy?

Will I always be giving for the rest of my life?

Will there be a day where I'll be loved without doing anything to earn it?

Is she better than I am?

Will this ever work?

Will I ever find direction?

Can I handle being alone?

What am I afraid of?

Am I ashamed of myself?

Does he know that I'm hurting?

Does he know what I want?

Will she be supportive?

Does he know that I'm disappointed?

Will I have babies one day?

Will I find happiness?

Vday Schmday.

2009-02-05T23:47:00.005+08:00

Because Joanna's blog reminded me that V-day is just around the corner...

February 14th. That's 9 days away.

I have something to confess. Every year I participate in the "Valentine's Day is so commercialised" talk. Every year I frown and shake my head at overpriced flowers and restaurants charging an arm and a leg for a romantic meal. Every year I pretend that I don't care.

Yes. Pretend. Because deep down, like every other girl, I dream of being swept off my feet on V-Day (okay, I'm assuming here but I do believe all girls would rather have a really lavish V-day compared to staying at home being a dud). Bring on the flowers (NEVERMIND that they die), the pretty gifts, the heart shaped balloons, the chocolates and the lovely candlelight dinner while I stare all goo-goo eyed into his eyes. Yes, if I could, I would totally be in support of the whole commercialization. *hangs head in shame*

To be honest, it's just wanting to feel special. Of course some would say everyday should be like Valentine's Day but if you get swept off your feet every single day, where's the fun in that anymore? Feeling special only works when the unexpected happens. And for the unexpected to happen, it can't be done everyday. So no, everyday shouldn't be like Valentine's Day. Of course, I'm not saying that you should love each other more on V-day and less on other days. It's just that, since you have a day picked out for you to be made special, then why not? :P Okay, I know I'm totally losing the argument here but I don't care. My ideal V-day is commercialised so sue me.

So far I've celebrated Valentine's Day twice. The first one was a disaster because I broke up. Who the hell breaks up on V-day? ME! :D The second one was better, nice but it was mellow because I was being the understanding girlfriend and didn't want to be a brat.

When I was younger and boyfriend-less, my parents took pity on me and sent me an anonymous Valentine's Day card. My papa actually cut and pasted alphabets from a newspaper onto the card to make it look more mysterious. It said "To Amelia, Happy Valentine's Day. From your Secret Admirer." Hahahahahahahaha! I guess it was a sweet gesture but finding out that your parents sent you an anonymous Valentine's Day card kind of put you in the loser department. Yeah.

Oh and one time, my parents (again) made my cousin call me and pretend to be my secret admirer while I was out with my girls. He was pretty good because I had no idea that it was a prank until my dad called me. It was hilarious but still.......it didn't really make me look too cool, now that I think about it. -___-

And this year, there's pretty much zero hope on me being out on Valentine's Day. First, my male prop is a gazillion miles away from me. Secondly, it's too expensive to go out. Thirdly, I'm giving up on the whole idea of Valentine's Day. For single people like me, it's just another day. So I'm planning on going to bed early to avoid getting green-eyed at the glowing dreamy looking females with huge bouquets in their arms.

I hope my parents behave this year though. >__<