....It's The Lil' Things That Make Life Sweet....

Bersih 2.0

2011-07-12T16:08:00.005+08:00

This is going to be quite a long entry. Be warned.

When I first found out about Bersih 2.0, I was excited. I remembered Bersih 1.0 and how I wanted to go. Year 2008 was when I started paying attention to the current affairs in Malaysia. I poured over articles upon articles about Malaysian politics and the injustice that has plagued this land. It was that year where my passion and love for this country lit up from a flicker to a roaring flame. When Bersih 1.0 came, I didn't go. I was still in college at the time and I felt that I owed it to my parents to focus on my studies. I followed the event online. I felt a sense of pride seeing Malaysians united for a cause. I hated myself for not being there and told myself, should there be a next rally, I will be there.

True enough, Bersih 2.0 came along. The moment I found out it was happening, I knew I had to be there. For the few weeks before 9th July, I was the annoying girl spamming everyone's news feed on Facebook, informing people about Bersih 2.0 and why they should go. It's for free and fair election! Stand up to be counted! Be a part of something bigger than yourself! Bersih is going global! It was all very positive.

Then came the likes of Ibrahim Ali, Khairy Jamaluddin, Hishamuddin and Persatuan Anak-anak Silat Lincah threatening to spill blood and wage war. The peaceful rally that was Bersih 2.0 was no longer that. Suddenly going to this rally wasn't as simple and positive anymore. Because of the opposition and threats, many of my friends who initially wanted to go and check it out decided against it. And who could blame them when these racists and extremists have been sprouting their hatred for weeks and no action were taken against them. As the date of the rally drew closer, we were bombarded daily with ridiculous news of people getting arrested for wearing yellow t-shirts, people getting arrested under the Emergency Ordinance because they had in possession t-shirts with faces of ex- communist leaders. Suddenly, the Jews were involved and evil foreign powers were plotting to take over Malaysia.

When tension sky-rocketted, our Yang Di-Pertuan Agong stepped in to diffuse the tension by advising both the rally organisers and the government to dialogue and come to a compromise. Our King even granted the Bersih organisers an audience and our Prime Minister announced that the rally could go on if it were held in a stadium. Suddenly, everything was rosy again. One day after that announcement, he passed the buck to the police to decide if the rally can go on in the stadium. More threats. Nation wide clampdown. More arrests. It was chaos. And this was before the rally even begun.

At that point, I was tired of all the fighting. I even felt that the rally should be called off because it has already done it's job. I believe in Bersih 2.0 because I believed in spreading awareness to the people. With all the big hoo-hah going on even before the rally happened, people, some for the first time in their lives, are aware of the situation we're in. That, to me, is a big win. But Bersih organisers were saying that the rally would still go on despite being declared illegal. I felt that it was quite irresponsible of the organisers to still go on with this. I thought the rally wasn't necessary after what we achieved. I felt that they were being too egoistic and they weren't choosing their battles wisely, putting everyone in harm's way.

Despite what I thought, I was still determined to go. Someone asked me, "Why are you still going when you don't believe in it anymore?". To be honest, at that point, I didn't have a good answer. I said, "I just feel that I must be there." And now in hindsight, I can finally articulate how I felt then. At that point, it didn't matter whether I agreed or disagreed with having the rally. I felt that I had a duty to be there with my countrymen (and women) to support them. Because we were all putting faith in one another to be there. People were going because they believed that others will be there and I just couldn't let them down. At the end of the day, even with our differing opinions, we all had a common ground - we love this country and we want it to get better. That was an enough reason to go.

The morning of the rally, I panicked. So many things ran through my mind. What if I get killed? How could I do that to my family? What if I lose a limb? I just managed to get my life together, how can I let it fall apart? Maybe I shouldn't go. But I want to. It was very very confusing when the only person you have to debate with is yourself. It didn't help when my parents opposed to my going. My mother laid the guilty trip on me, asking me not to do this to her and that she didn't sleep the whole night, worrying about what might happen to me. My father lectured me for being selfish. For not thinking of them and what it would do to my mother should anything happen to me. They were furious. They were being my parents. And so I relented. I felt that it was not worth putting my almost crying mother through this over a rally that I think didn't need to happen. So I called my friend and told him I couldn't go. He understood. I felt so bad. I felt that I betrayed everyone and most importantly, I felt that I betrayed myself. So talk to my parents again. After explaining to them how I felt and reassuring them that I will keep safe and not be a hero, they reluctantly let me go.

And off I went.

I was to meet my friend, Casper, at Tropicana City Mall and take a shuttle bus to Kelana Jaya LRT station. The drive on the LDP was so pleasant. It was 11pm and no sign of traffic. Not even near the always congested 1Utama Shopping Mall. I guess everyone was staying at home.

So I parked my car and met up with Casper and his friend Karl. At Kelana Jaya, we met up with my collegue, Aurelia and her boyfriend. It would have been like any other Saturday if we weren't going to this rally. While on the LRT to Pasar Seni, we tried to get our stories together incase we get questioned by the police. It was indeed funny, trying to come up with different ideas. I was to meet my cousin for lunch at Petaling Street and go for ACCA classes at Kasturi College. I even brought a folder to look the part.

We reached Petaling Street just before 12pm. It was eerily empty and quiet. Police presence was everywhere but no one made a move. Only a few stalls were open. The streets were empty. KL had become a ghost town. It was like out of a scene of a zombie apocalypse movie. At Petaling Street, we met up with my cousin, Sean, and his friend Justine, her mother and friends. We had quite a party going. The atmosphere at Petaling Street was pretty tense. But not in a bad way. You could hear the soft chatter of people. Some were standing around, some were sitting but everyone had the same look on their faces. They were waiting for something to happen.

And out of nowhere, there was a huge crowd and people started cheering. Till this day I am still amazed and curious as to how did that happen. Where did all these people come?! KL was on lockdown for goodness sake. There were policemen everywhere! It was as though these people sprouted from the ground like garden gnomes.

The march began. People starting cheering and chanting "Hidup, hidup! Hidup, Rakyat!", "Hidup, hidup! Hidup, Malaysia!". The air was electrifying. Goosebumps. A sense of exhilaration coursed through my body. This is really happening. We were gathered at Petaling Street and we started marching. Our crowd grew bigger and bigger. I have never seen so many different faces in my life. People from all walks of life, from all colours and creed. It was amazing. If I didn't have to move with the crowd, I would have stood there staring, jaw agape, taking it all in. It was such a wonderful sight to behold. I never felt more Malaysian than I have there, walking with my brothers and sisters, shouting the same cheers, feeling the same pride and love for our country. Remembering it still gives me goosebumps.

In that moment, I was in Malaysia. People were laughing, clapping, taking pictures, waving flags and yellow t-shirts. It was like we were in a carnival. When told to stop, people would shout the orders to others and they will carry the orders on to those behind them. The co-ordination and unity was amazing.

We marched towards Menara Maybank and as we did, we pass a line of policemen. They just watched us and let us through. As we walked pass them, cheering, the leader cheered "Polis!Polis!", and at that point, I panicked! I told Casper, "Oh no, they shouldn't provoke them!!" but instead of saying anything offensive, he followed it up with "Polis baik!". You could hear the nervous laughter of relief by the crowd which then build to a hearty roar. I could see that the police themselves were trying not to laugh as well.

There was already a huge crowd in front of Menara Maybank. Upon spotting us, they cheered for us to join them. We did. There were so many people. This event kept me amazed the entire time. One guy was giving out bananas to everyone. "Pisang Bersih! Pisang Bersih", he said! It was hilarious. There were balloons and people selling Bersih bandanas. Everyone is clapping and cheering. Casper even went to a bunch of Malay guys to get a picture with them. They welcomed him and they took pictures like close friends. A Chinese guy wearing a Bersih shirt became a very popular with everyone wanting a picture with him. It was such a light and positive atmosphere. I am only stating their race to show you how it didn't matter.

Halfway through, I got a call from Gerard, another friend. After a lot of confusion and shouting to hear each other, we finally found each other. He was there with Jolynn and their friends. Our group just got bigger.

From a distance we could see the FRU trucks. They moved closer. When we saw that, we inched away further. I wasn't there to get chemically-laced water on me. I have sensitive skin. The first round of water cannons were fired. People were boo-ing but didn't back away. We stood there, watching. It was until theu fired their first round of tear gas that the crowd started moving back. You could feel and hear the anger of the people. They had no reason to fire tear gas at us. There was no provocation. We were just standing there!

We stood near Hotel Ancasa and watched things unfold. There were brave people who marched forward towards the trucks. Things were getting tense. They unleashed the water cannons again. You could see the blue/green tint of the water. I was enraged. How could they! Such cowards, attacking unarmed civilians! Another round of tear gas and this time we weren't so lucky. I could slowly feel my throat engulfed by the gas. My eyes starting hurting and so did my cheeks. There was momentary panic. People were trying to escape the tear gas, pushing people to move forward quicker. I was guilty of this too. Suddenly, a strong commanding voice shouted at everyone, "Bertenang! Don't push!". That snapped everyone back from being like scared animals. We are people and we are going to act like one. I am thankful to that person, whoever he is. Because of him, everyone moved in a calm orderly way despite the pain we were enduring.

The scary thing about mass panic is that your first instinct is to run. And that is how you get separated from the group. I tried really hard to make sure my group was within sight. I always scare myself a little when I can't find my cousin or Casper or one of my friends anywhere. But at the end of the day, we managed to keep together till the end. While the tear gas stung all of us, people were offering salt to others and water to wash their faces. Everyone was genuinely concerned for one another. No one was left behind.

We then took refuge at the entrance of Hotel Ancasa. Men were washing their faces at the fountain in front of the hotel. You could hear people going around saying, "Garam! Garam!". We went up the entrance of the hotel to recuperate from being tear-gassed. There were a bunch of Malay makciks there, all probably in their 40's to 60's. They saw us and asked us, "Dik, ambik garam. Ada apa apa tak?". We told them that we were fine and thanked them. I was amazed (again) that these brave ladies were there, in the height of it all. They were in their baju kurungs. They came from Perlis, Kedah, Kelantan. They were someone's mother and grandmother.

All of a sudden, there was a commotion and we see a bunch of policemen running towards the entrance of the hotel. We were at the corner of the hotel entrance and there was so where to run. We were trapped. As I saw them running towards us, I felt something I've never felt before. Fear. It was very scary. How is it that I didn't do anything wrong, didn't hurt anyone but am afraid when I see the police running towards me? I inched as close to the glass wall of the hotel as I could. Sean and Casper was in front of me. We were all quiet. I knew they were afraid too. They were dragging and pulling this man away for having a Malaysian flag. His mother or wife (I'm not sure who she is to him) was crying and begging them to stop. "Tolong, tolong! Jangan! Jangan! Tolong lah!", she said in her quivering voice. My heart broke. As I pressed my back against the wall, I noticed there was a makcik hiding behind the giant flower pot next to me. I didn't notice her because her tudung and baju kurung were the same shade as the flower pot. She was mumbling prayers as that scene played out. I was thinking to myself, "Yes, pray for us too.". It would have been a very comical scene if it weren't for it being very real. Seeing a man get roughly hauled away by the police for having a Malaysian flag, for doing nothing wrong, is very unnerving and scary. I was quite freaked out. I thought we would be next.

We were lucky that they didn't come after us. Maybe the makcik's prayers helped. After they were gone, we were all quiet. Makcik broke the silence, "Inikah 1Malaysia? Melayu tangkap melayu! Bodoh!", she said, fire in her wrinkled eyes. I nodded sadly and asked her if she was okay. She asked me if I had salt. I gave her some and she thanked me, "Ohhh, terima kasih, adik." When I left to join my friends, she pulled me and asked me where I was going. I told her I was going to be with my friends. She told me to keep safe.

We couldn't leave Hotel Ancasa because there were FRUs on both sides, firing tear gas and water cannons at anyone who attempted to get too near. It made me wonder if they really wanted us to disperse or if they just wanted to show us their might and make an example out of us. We were pretty much trapped and were sitting ducks. There was nothing we could do but wait.

Finally, the trucks on one side backed away. A bunch of us quickly made our way back to Petaling Street where we thought the narrow streets will keep us out of harms way. Upon reaching Jalan Sultan, we saw a big crowd making it's way toward us. It was HUGE. Throngs and throngs of people walked through Jalan Sultan. It was a never-ending sea of people just walking past us. It probably took around 10 minutes before the crowd thinned out. We joined the crowd again, this time with the aim of walking to Stadium Merdeka. Unfortunately, we never made it out of Petaling Street as any attempt was met with more tear gas. By that time, I has no desire to get tear-gassed again.

We waited and waited until it was around 4pm. We were famished so we went to the McDonald's to have some food. It felt really good to sit down. Really good. We sat with a man from Sg.Buloh who has been an active rally participant since the Reformasi days in 1998. He asked if we were first timers. We said yes. He said this time, the rally feels different. "It's multi-racial", he said. Indeed it was.

After getting food in our stomachs, we decided to go home. We walked towards Pasar Seni LRT station only to find out that it was shut. We had no choice but to walk to KL Sentral. We walked with a crowd, and suddenly we see people running in the opposite direction. There was a police barricade in front and they wouldn't let anyone pass. By that time, everyone was tired, angry and fed-up. People starting shouting, "Kita nak balik la oiiii!!". One policeman told us on the loud speaker to use another route. Everyone boo-ed them but we complied. We walked and walked and walked. There were Chinese aunties, Malay makciks, Indian uncles and a lot of young people walking with us. Everyone just wanted to get home. We walked pass FRUs and their trucks. They watched us. We just walked on. Baju kurung clad makciks in front of us were talking animatedly about Perkasa and the silat group. "Perkasa kat mana? Dah tak Perkasa dah? Anak-anak lincah tu mana?". Everyone laughed. It is true though. They were no where to be seen. Instead, these makciks and aunties were. That says a lot about their credibility. You know what they say about empty vessels.

I have never been so glad to see KL Sentral. We finally made it after walking 2.8km, after earlier marching through the streets of Pudu and Chinatown. My legs hurt so bad. Everyone was exhausted. Everyone was stinky and sweaty. Everyone needed a bath.

At KL Sentral. They shut down the LRT. It wasn't just the rally-goers that was inconvenienced, there were people and tourists who needed to get to places. We were so tired, we couldn't even muster up anger. Eventually, we took the KTM and everyone got back home safe and sound.

So after all that, did I regret going? Not one second. I came home to friends and family saying that they were proud of me and that I am their hero. That was too much. I didn't feel like a hero. I just did what I felt I needed to do. I did it for myself. I wanted to. I certainly didn't feel like I was better than those who didn't go.

After reading Bersih stories and the outpouring reaction from my friends (my facebook news feed was all about Bersih 2.0), I have now changed my mind. Bersih 2.0 was necessary. It did need to happen and there was a point to it. Because of this rally, people are not only aware of what is going on, they have also learnt, through those that went, that there is no need to fear. So many friends have told me that they regretted not going and that they wish they went. Some say they are now inspired to do more for the country, to be more selfless and to start, they're going to register to vote!

Bersih 2.0 has showed everyone that there is unity in Malaysia. It has showed us that our people are good and kind. It has showed us that through turmoil, Malaysians care for one another. It broke all stereotypes and shed upon us a new light on our brothers and sisters.

Before Bersih happened, I wrote about how Malaysians are apathetic and selfish. I have said that we are not mature enough for a change and that we have a long way to go. I stand corrected, pleasantly so. The people I saw that day actually consisted of Indian machas, Chinese ah-bengs, tidak-apa Malays and the confused Lain-lains. People that I thought were ignorant fools. Everyone was there, not a single type left out. I felt really bad and arrogant for assuming things I do not know. I was proven wrong. It was humbling and such a great feeling. Now after Bersih, I believe that Malaysians are ready for change. They certainly are ready to learn and to know more. I believe Bersih has opened their eyes and have left them more open to ideas and suggestions. This is the time to teach our people how a democracy should work. Everyone at that rally had different beliefs and opinions, we were there for different reasons, yet we could still walk together, as one people. We learnt how to set aside our differences, to agree to disagree, for the love of a country we all share.

This is tanah tumpahnya darahku. It is yours. It is ours. And that phrase has never meant so much to me than it has today.

Najib's administration is so wrong by mocking and ignoring the Bersih rally-goers. They are your true patriots and some of the best people you have. They risked all by going to this rally. They knew this wasn't some walk in the park. They were willing to risk their lives for the love of our country and people. These are truly courageous people who put country before self. Baharuddin Ahmad was one such person. He gave his life for his country and people. Even the Najib-endorsed 3rd level of defence of the nation, the Anak-anak Silat Lincah, can't attest to have the same patriotism.

Should there ever be a Bersih 3.0 (and I hope not, for the sake of this country) I imagine more people will stand with us because through Bersih 2.0, they would have found bravery that they never knew they had. Just like I did.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

Changes

2011-01-28T07:25:00.003+08:00

Metamorphosis.

I am no longer who I was. It is time for me to accept this fact. A whole year of turbulence, drama, events, people, experience and soul searching, there is just no way I could expect to come out the same. I am, of course, grateful to once again be standing on my own two feet though sometimes I do mourn for the person who I've lost amidst the chaotic frenzy that has been my mind, my life.

I'm still getting used to this. Sometimes I feel like this life isn't mine and I'm just observing from the outside. I'm definitely rough around the edges now. Wow, I'm edgy. No more squeaky clean chirpy perky happy-go-lucky.

There is however a change that I like. I'm no longer afraid to express myself because the people whom I once sought validation from, are gone. Simply put, I don't have a give a fuck anymore. So if I feel like breaking into a song, I will. If I want to dance (and I'm a horrible dancer), I will. And if I want to have 3 slices of cake at one sitting, I sure as hell will. I don't know how well this will go in the long run, but I've been pretty happy.

I think what sprouted this behaviour is that I've realised that no matter how perfect you strive to be, you will always be judged. Someone out there is going to frown their fugly faces at you. I used to be that person who wanted to please everyone that came my way, but it proved too taxing for me and so impossible. It also bit a huge chunk off my ass. And yes, it hurt, tremendously.

I spent almost all my life giving and caring for others. Putting their feelings and needs above mine. After awhile, it was expected of me. I say this because the moment I did something for myself, a whole lot of drama will happen. No bueno.

However, the Pisces in me can't stop caring though. It makes me happy to be there for people and to cheer them up. I just can't see a sad person and not want to help. Every fibre of my being would want to reach out to give a little solace to that distressed soul, simply because, I've been there before. So I guess this is a part of me that I get to keep. The difference is that there are no labels this time. No one is more special than the other. Everyone is expected to come as freely as they go.

Another change that is mighty depressing is the constant effort to harden my heart. This is proving to be very painful as I'm a sappy romantic that wears her heart on her sleeve. The idealistic dreamer in me wants to believe that love is a beautiful thing but the reality is, love is as dangerous as it is beautiful. It is so easy to be swept away, especially a person like myself, who gets ahead of herself with fairy-tale like fantasies. Love is never fair too. I thought I met the love of my life, my kindred spirit. I basked in the rarity of meeting someone I could connect with, whom I loved and could love me back. It was perfect, was it not? Alas, reality dictates that it is not and it tore my world apart. And as I licked my wounds, others came along, offering a glimmer of hope, that maybe, maybe there is someone out there for me. One was almost perfect, said he loved me but was too dramatic and fickle for his own good, left me hanging and backed out. Another one, I can't help falling for, is unattainable. And there is another who thinks I'm perfect but doesn't make my heart skip a beat. Love is one twisted dangerous web I'll never see myself winning. Thank God, I have an ego big enough to ensure I'll never lose that badly? Or maybe that's me trying to make myself feel better.

As dandy as things have been so far, I need to establish a bit of control (which I might have accidentally thrown out the window). While all this has been fun, I can see that it can be detrimental sooner or later, for this isn't true happiness. This isn't enough for me. This momentary happiness will eventually make me realise what I'm lacking in life.

I can't just ride the wave of change. At some point, I have to make it mean something.

Unfair

2010-11-06T06:56:00.003+08:00

Something to ponder about.

Is life unfair?

Sometimes I really think it is.

My family recently hired a Cambodian maid. She's 21 but we all suspect she's probably 18, she has no education, she doesn't speak a word of English and can't even read or write in Cambodian. When I came home from my Euro Trip, I was amazed by how much English she understood. When I first met her, she was fresh faced and smiley and greeted me enthusiastically, "Good evening, Amelia". My mom did a good job teaching her. My dad would also spend an hour each day teaching her the ABCs and 123s and said that she was an enthusiastic learner. She also got very attached to my Mom. One day, she even told my mom in a combination of Cambodian, English and sign language that she thought of my mom as her mom. When my mom had she flu, she patted my mom on the shoulder and told her to rest in her room. However, we eventually had to send her back as her visa was rejected in Malaysia due to a white spot spotted near her rib cage during a medical check up she had to go through.

When my parents sent her back to the agency, she was devastated. She couldn't stop sobbing and kept coming out of the room they made her stay in 3 times to say good bye to my parents. When my dad was in the washroom, she insisted on waiting for him, defying her caretaker, so that she could say good bye to him. Such loyalty. In the end, she even walked my mom all the way to the car before saying a final good bye.

When my mom told me what happened, I couldn't help but tear. I felt so sorry for her. She probably didn't even understand why she was sent back. Yet instead of feeling angry and betrayed, all she wanted was to say a proper goodbye to my parents. Because she has to be sent back, she will now owe the agency RM2000 which she does not have as she was only working for 2 months. We don't know what the white spot near her rib cage is but the doctor said that it could be TB, a growth or cancer. How is this girl going to pay for a doctor to see what's wrong with her, let alone have money to seek treatment? I spent all night awake thinking about her and worrying for her. How cruel can life be? She came to Malaysia in hopes of making money, probably to support her family, and instead of having money, she's in debt.

And then I think about my life in comparison to hers. I am so lucky and blessed. I was given every opportunity to do what I want. My parents gave me everything I needed and more. I am even privileged enough to set off on my own to travel the world at 24. The difference between my life and hers is obscene. I feel ashamed to have spent so much on frivolous things and a passion when she probably needs it to save her life. I wish I could go back in time, not travel and give this money to her instead.

Why are our lives so different? She never had a chance. Everybody deserves a chance don't they? And this is not unique to her alone, there are millions of people out there who are fighting for a chance that they do not have. How do we make life better for them?

At times like these, I really do wonder if there is God out there. Why put people on earth to suffer? Why constantly throw them challenges that they'll never be able to overcome?

When I get a job again, I'm going to set aside a little bit of money every month to donate to people in need. I vow that I will help as much as I can. But the question is, how much and how many can we help? I don't see a solution to this because I know, no matter how hard we try, there is always going to be a child out there brought into this world, made to go through hardship after hardship all because he never stood a chance and he probably never will.

I think I just depressed myself a little writing this.

Hello again!

2010-10-24T03:19:00.012+08:00

So maybe it's time to update this space.

As you can see I have been MIA for almost a year now. I don't think anyone visits this space anymore which is good because I can then say whatever I like. :D

The past year has been a tough year for me. I can't even confidently say that I've recovered from it fully but I know that I am heading there. I never thought my life could change so drastically. I've lost so much but through it I've learnt so much about human nature and myself. To be honest, I spent much of last year going through depression. I just didn't know how to cope with the changes and all these emotions that were so new to me. I had to deal with betrayal, abandonment, lies and deceit. Nothing my 24 years of living has prepared me for. It hit me hard. So hard that I didn't know how to live anymore.

The healing process is a long one. I read that there are 4 stages to it. The first one is Denial. I spent a lot of time in denial. I kept reasoning and analyzing the situation, justifying things and making excuses for people who did not deserve it. And then came Anger. Boy, was I angry. I don't think I have ever been that angry in my entire life. I was like a ragey teenager. I hated everything that happened to me. I hated the people in my life and I hated the world. Then came Self-pity. I felt so sorry for myself. I couldn't move. I spent most of my days keeping away from people and wallowing in self-pity. I felt like I didn't deserve to be with people. I blamed myself and thought that there was something wrong with me and that I didn't deserve to live. Many crazy thoughts ran through my mind. I was consumed by negativity and had no one I could trust. I felt so alone. And then came Acceptance. I finally accepted what was happening to me and I decided to let go and to embrace the change and make a new person out of myself. I learnt to see things in a new light. I learnt not to be so stubborn about what I want and learnt to make do with what I have. I changed the way I behaved and perceived people. I learnt to distance myself from people whom made drama their life. I learnt to protect myself yet not in a way that I'd be aloof to the people I meet. I realised that I had a choice. That I chould choose who I wanted to be. That I can be selfish. I learn to surround myself with people who made me feel good, who never expected too much out of me and are genuinely grateful for the things I do. I learnt not to get too attached to people. Although this was a fact that I had a hard time accepting as I love the idea of a strong bond and to be able to give freely, I had to accept that this was the way it had to be.

I am still recovering. I quit my job and took time off to travel the world. I did 46 days in Europe and that made all the difference. I loved that I could be myself again. And for the first time in almost a year, I was genuinely happy and unafraid. I loved the people and I was blown away by the kindness I was shown. It reinstated what I had once doubted. People always said that my downfall was that I was too trusting and that I never had any of my guard up, but after spending almost 2 months in a foreign world, I was happy that I could trust people the way I want to. I never liked the jaded point of view in life. Human beings are constantly too suspicious of their own kind and I think that is extremely sad. The people I met were a blessing. They gave freely and they were always grateful for the small things I gave them back. The feeling was undescribable. I felt joy and hope. Like it was Christmas. :D

So now I'm back with a different mindset. My views and perceptions have vastly changed. I feel like a new and improved person. I got back my enthusiasm for living. Of course there are many little things still gnawing at me at the back of my mind but I believe those will slowly dissipate with time.

I want to write about my travels but I don't know how long this blogging streak will last. :P Let's hope I find the enthusiasm to do it. ;)

It's great to be back folks!

Much love. xoxo

Over and out.

2009-12-14T03:48:00.002+08:00

Realisation.

I'm at a point where my mind has never been clearer. And it took me 10 years to realise this fact. I wish I could have seen it sooner, then I wouldn't have put in so much effort, so much time and have put up with all that was unpleasant.

Betrayal, the lost of trust, the hurt, the this and the that. All blown out of proportion.

Alone.

2009-11-11T06:04:00.002+08:00

Alone.

It's so quiet here......well not really. The frogs are croaking. I can here my roomie's audio book playing. There's a motorcycle that just passed by. And there's that soft hum of the laptop.

I can hear the my brain working. It's tired. It wants a break. So much has happened. I wish I could stay happy for a little while longer but things are pretty set on being bad lately.

And through all this, I feel so alone. For once, I feel like I have no one I can depend on. There used to be a sure person I could go to at times like these. But today I realised that I don't have that someone anymore. Everyone that could be has either drifted or has too much going on in life to really be there. Or here.

I miss home. I miss having absolutely nothing to worry about. I miss being taken care of.

It worried me when I realised that if I keep this up, I'll probably be taking care of people all my life. I am quite tired. My back hurts even. It really hurts. I'm at a point where I want to be taken care of. I want to not worry and be stressed out about things. I want someone to tell me that things will be okay and that I can sit back and relax and watch things unfold...nicely.

But I know better. Not going to happen in awhile. Unless I take a new turn in life.

Perhaps it's why I'm planning to move home. I miss the stability. I miss the comfort of knowing that these people will love me no matter my flaws. I miss talking to people who genuinely care and take a keen interest on my well being.

I'm tired of dealing with crap. With shitty attitudes and jokes that are not funny and expectations and stubborn people who aren't willing to compromise or don't really give a shit about how I'll feel. I'm tired of acting like I'm fine with it, laughing it off or not saying anything because I don't want to make a big deal or create tension or a scene. I'm tired of waiting, empty promises and endless excuses. I'm tired of being conscious of being demanding when I never have been. I'm tired of doing and sacrificing so much without much in return. I'm tired of explaining myself or trying to make people feel better. I'm tired of people talking down to me and making me feel like crap. I'm tired of insults. I'm tired of anger. I'm tired.

I just want people to be nice to me.

And maybe that's why I feel so alone.

How things unfold.

2009-11-10T02:54:00.003+08:00

So it's been awhile...

And I'm at the apartment I've made home for the past 2 and half months, thinking that I'm going to miss it when I leave. And I'm going to leave this place soon. To where, I still have no clue. But I'm thankful that I've been surrounded by kind souls who have offered their hearts and spaces to me. I am one lucky person.

So much has happened in this two months. My life took a tremendous turn. It was so different yet very comfortable. I had the time of my life. I've met so many wonderful people and had so many memorable days, nights and moments. And it's all because of these people who've made such a difference in the life I once found stagnantly dull.

I wish and hoped for change, and I got it. Living out is incredibly liberating. Earning my own moolah feels incredibly good. Being able to take my family out for dinners makes me very very happy. And having things happen without much planning on my part is incredibly refreshing.

So let's list the things that has given my poor jaded soul a little lift in these past months.

- The awesome activities at work. The people at work. Team Dublin Phase II. :)
- The apartment I live in. Rent free. Extremely comfortable. Lake view. 24hrs air-conditioned. Cleaners every Thursday.
- Chicken Nuggets and Wedges.
- Toast with Butter and Jam.
- Hilter on a lamp (it kinda grew on me)
- My Strawberry scented shower cream.
- Futsal every Thursday.
- The infamous company trip with awesome company.
- Movies every night.
- Dinosaur stickers.
- Emailing Chenn from work.
- Naked days at the apt when Damo is away. :D
- Curling up in my bed under 2 thick duvets.
- The smell of the apt once I enter the doors.
- The view of the lake out on the balcony.
- That midnight jog. :P
- The oven. Where the yummy chicken nuggets and wedges would magically appear!
- Damo. The best roomie ever. Such a huge improvment from my last experience. I know you've been wanting me to write this, so here you go. I do secretly think you're awesome, despite the constant abuse I get from you. I may not say it often, probably not at all, but I'll always be grateful to you for offering me a place here. I didn't think I'll have so much fun, but having you as my roomie will probably be one of those memories I'll cherish forever. *tear* You've been very kind DH. :)
- Pui Yin. Probably one of the craziest person I'll ever know. You probably wouldn't read this or know about it, but you're definitely one of my favourite persons. I love your zest for life. You are who you are and you make no excuses for it and I love that. You've opened my eyes to a different world and I'm really thankful to you for sharing. :)
- Kurin. The first person I really liked when I started working. You've been so nice to me and you're that rare someone that I can connect with from the very start.
- Garth. For finally coming!! You deserve a whole entry about yourself so I'm just going to say that you've been incredible and you've made me fall in love with you all over again. Wavu boo boo. <3

As I write this, I feel like a deflated balloon. Like the best part of this life has just passed and I've reached a plateau. There is another wave of change I feel coming. I don't know what this change is. I don't know if it's good or bad. I hope it's not bad although things hasn't exactly been sunshiney since Garth left. :( And now I have to move out of this comfortable hole and lose one of the best roomies ever. Boo. :(

But this 2 months has been eventful. I think I was mostly happy. :) I wouldn't change it for the world.

November seems adamant on being shitty.

Let's hope December will bring about some good stuff and love. It is afterall, Christmas time.

Please don't suck.

Rant

2009-09-17T02:10:00.003+08:00

Peter Pan.

My head feels light, my stomach is the battlefield for the siege of Troy, my legs feel alien, I'm bleeding profusely from my hoo-hoo and all I can think of is Peter Pan.

Weird.

I want to fly and never grow up. I want to live in Never Never Land. I want to wear all green and have pointy ears. And I want to be a boy.

I think it makes sense now that I'm thinking of Peter Pan. Peter is a symbol of freedom from all forms of female pains and obstacles. Peter has a penis and penises do not bleed unless you cut them. Peter has it good.

I on the other hand wish that someone would do a David Copperfield and cut me into half. My lower abdomen is completely useless.

My feet are cold and my bangs are too long I can barely read what I'm typing right now.

I need a back massage. I think there is something growing on my neck.

I want food and I am itchy.

I promise a proper update on my life soon.

I just feel like making no sense today because I want to talk but have nothing of importance to talk about.

The lights are pretty tonight. :)

2009-07-13T21:19:00.004+08:00

I'm home.

So yesterday I officially moved in to my new apartment. I started my new job today too. And now I'm back in Kepong. :P

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking. Shut it. I have my reasons.

There is no internet at the apartment and I need it for my job. I'll be undergoing 2 weeks of training starting tomorrow and my work hours will be from 3pm to 12am. I know it looks horrible but I think it suits me just fine. :D Who knew that my crazy sleeping habits will serve a purpose one day. :D

So, first day on my first proper job. The induction was long and boring but that is to be expected. There are 12 people in the new intake, and well...let's say that they're not a chatty bunch....which is kind of weird since this is no longer school and people should open up more and build contacts when they're in the working world (especially if we're going to be colleagues). There were lots of awkward silences, most weren't very receptive even though I went out of my way to break the ice by throwing random questions and just babbling my head off....which is a feat for me because I haven't done that in awhile. But I did meet some really friendly people. One girl even offered me to stay at her place but it's a tad far from Kepong so although I'm keen, I'm also a wee bit reluctant about the distance. We will see how that one unfolds.

This may be too early to say but so far the overall impression I got from the company today was pretty good. I liked that this is a really global company with global staffs. I got a kick out of hearing a few different accents all in one day. :D Irish, German, French, British and of course, Malaysian. It was interesting to hear English spoken in so many different ways though I wanted to burst out laughing when the Head of Department who's French spoke, because when I zoned out and stopped trying to make out his English, it sounded so much like French gibberish. :D
Another thing that I liked was the pantry because there's a plasma TV, a vending machine for junk food, a fridge filled with endless supplies of cold drinks (100plus, Coke, Just Tea, and Ribena!! Woot!!), and a coffee machine that makes not only plain coffee but cafe machiatto, cafe au lait, cafe mocha and even teh tarik. :D Sure they don't have a foosball table like in HSBC but I can live with that. Downside is that they blocked access to Gmail, Facebook and possibly every site that's not work related. So yeah, no internet at the apartment AND at work. Boooo. They do have an internet kiosk but I guess I'll only be able to access it during my 1 hour break which might be split into a few short breaks because of the nature of my job. Double boooo.

And as for the apartment, I don't think I've ever mopped or swept the floor so many times before. It's so dirty and I have no idea how my housemates can stand it. I wouldn't mind the floor so much if it doesn't have a direct impact on the state of my bathroom. Dirty floor = Dirty feet = Black feet stains on wet toilet floor. If there is ONE thing I cannot stand it is wet toilet floors. Now, not only my toilet floor is perpetually wet because it's so small and there's no shower curtain, it has black stains all over it. Like a typical Malaysian public toilet. BWARGH. Yesterday, I washed the toilet floor like a crazy woman and it was so clean and to my horror, I came home to a toilet floor marked with black feet stains today. *tears hair out* :( And you know what? I HATE cleaning, which is why I barely do any of it at home. And now I'm mopping floors and washing toilets two days in a row. I am NOT looking forward to it. I just hope that after talking to my housemates, they'll be more considerate and make the place more liveable or I'm out of there.

So yeap, that sums up my new life so far. Bittersweet.

Right now I'm looking for Streamyx package deals so that I can get the internet up and running at my place because I will need it for work.

I hope I'll survive these internet-less days ahead. It absolutely sucks when there is absolutely nothing to do at the apartment. :(

The next time I blog, it'll be from my new place. :D Don't miss me people. Tata!

Faith

2009-07-08T21:28:00.004+08:00

I can't wait for this to be over.

Some months ago, I told myself that I know that this bout of depression will end and that I'll have to patiently wait for that day to come. I knew that things will get better and I will not be stuck in this rut forever. I knew that I would be once again free from this and have my mind be calm once again.

But it's been too long and I have been falling in and out of it so often that I'm on the verge of giving up. I know that there are potentially exciting things lined up for me soon but I'm afraid I can't get myself there. The occasional distractions aren't enough to make up for the large numbers of empty lonely days that I had to endure. I never thought that I would be one to succumb to loneliness but I am beginning to think it has taken a toll on me.

And what is frustrating me even more is the fact that I have no idea when I'll be able to move to my new apartment. I'm royally pissed off because everything is being handled so slowly and I have to keep chasing and pushing for things to be done. Work starts next week and I'm not even settled at my new place yet. This also brings the level of suck-dom in life up a few notches.

With everything I'm feeling right now, I feel like shedding everything in my life and start all over. I want a fresh start and to be able to do things right this time - taking on new opportunities, be more proactive, meet more people, have more fun and not over-think and overanalyse every single thing I'm about to do. I'm always so cautious with my choices. For once, I feel like doing anything that feels right.

I feel so hollow inside, like whatever spirit I have is fizzling out. I want so desperately to feel alive again. I just hope that while I'm on this path, I don't self-destruct by making stupid choices.

But I guess screwing up is part and parcel of life right? Perhaps this is my turn. People only get wiser learning from dumb decisions.

Dreams

2009-06-24T18:46:00.002+08:00

Dreams.

I've always slept through the night without them. Lately, everytime I fall asleep, I find myself awake in another realm with the bizarres surrounding me. My dreams have been really really weird and they occur every night. Sometimes I wake up remembering them vividly, sometimes I only feel the racing of my heart with no recollection of what I saw in my mind.

I've dreamt of being chased by a deranged woman who wants my blood. >__<
I've dreamt that a friend who all of a sudden looked like Frankenstien, professed his love for me.
I've dreamt of people dying.
I've dreamt of things happening and woke up and had the exact thing happening that very day.
I've dreamt of him leaving me.
I've dreamt of running.

Why can't I dream of ponies and rainbows instead? :(

Papa's Day

2009-06-21T23:14:00.003+08:00

This is my Papa.

Everyone says I look like a female version of my dad. Unfortunately for me, that means having a really round face. :P When I was young, I used to laugh at my papa's receding hairline to which he retorted, "Don't laugh, wait till your turn!" to which I brushed off with more jokes about his shiny head. At 23, I think I'm balding. :( My papa has very strong genes.

Now, his looks are not all I inherited. I inherited his stubborness and his quick temper which is the root of all our squabbles when I was an angsty teen. I inherited his impatience, where I'd get annoyed at people for being slow just as he would when he thinks I'm being slow. I also inherited his blatant gross sense of humour which I am proud of. This is the man who is responsible for all the poop talk and weird uncensored thoughts I have and I love him for it. And for those of you who question why I'm so short, I also inherited his height. -___-

Ever since I could remember, my dad has been my hero. This is the man that used to spend hours with me at the Barbie Doll section in Toy'r'us to pick a doll I want. This is the man who always bought me ice cream when my mother said no. This is the man who created a bedtime story for me when I couldn't sleep. This is the man who bathe me in smelly Pinetasol liquid when I had Chicken Pox. This is the man who filed my nails and stroked my head till I go to sleep.

And at 23, this man would still fly kites with me. He'd buy me silly knick knacks from the pasar malam. He bought me a strawberry document file for university. He'd buy me my favourite kuih from the makcik stall nearby. He never lets me drive because he claims my driving makes his balls shrink (his exact words). He rescues me from flat tires and lizards. He took me to all my job interviews. :P And he still buys me ice cream. :D

This is the man who gave me everything I have today. I have no words to describe how lucky I feel.

Today, I found out that he has a picture of me as a wallpaper on his phone.

:)

I love you

2009-06-20T01:49:00.000+08:00

It feels like 1234.

You.
The first thing I look for when I wake up even when I know you're not there.

You.
The voice I want to hear everyday.

You.
I miss sorely even after talking 5 minutes ago.

You.
Still give me butterflies when I look at your pictures.

You.
Who do facebook stuff for me that you so hate.

You.
Challenge my beliefs and ego.

You.
Make me feel better.

You.
Make me laugh.

You.
Let me burp and talk about poop.

You.
Always so kind to me.

You.
Understand me.

You.
Doing this crazy thing with me.

You.
I can't wait to see.

You.
I love.

FAIL!

2009-06-19T21:07:00.005+08:00

FAIL.

I wonder what are photoes. Mutant toes? Toes that photosynthesize? Maybe I should request to see them. :D

Anyone think I should submit this to fail blog?

By far, the funniest thing to happen today. *chuckles*

Growing up...

2009-06-19T02:51:00.003+08:00

Umm...23 is young right?

Now, I never thought that there will be a day where I'll worry about getting/being old.

Really now, where did all that time go? I still remember being 16........Crap. Actually my memories of being 16 has become more vague. >__< I guess you just can't fight time.

I guess all girls have had this conversation before. At a slumber party, during recess, during class, on the phone, we've all talked about how old we want to be when we get married, how many kids we want, what kind of husband we want. Yes, we talked about it like we knew what it was all about. I remember I wanted to be married at 26, wanted 2 kids and my husband was going to be Bob Saget. Yes, when I was a boob-less, armpit hair-less 8 year old, I had a HUGEEEEE crush on Bob Saget (If you don't know who Bob Saget is, think Full House or America's Funniest Home Videos). Yes, I was into older men and didn't even realise it.

Now that I'm 23, I cannot imagine myself being married in 3 years. I blame this on my parents constantly treating me like I'm 5. I don't even feel like a full fledge adult, how on earth do I even think of being someone's wife. And the idea of committing to someone for the rest of your life till death do us part, that's just too much.

However, the idea of kids is nice. I've been finding myself more drawn to babies lately. Not just cute babies, but the ugly ones too (Now before you judge me, remember that time where you thought that baby looked like a monkey or a creature? Yeah. Don't judge me). There was this baby that made a lasting impression. On my way back home from Redang, a couple with a kid was sitting right in front of me in the bus. Because she was constantly moving right in front of me, I had no choice but to observe her for a full 7 hours. It was........sweet. The way she smiled at her mother. The mischevious look she had when she was being playful. That was all very cute but she did one thing that amazed me so much that I still remember that beautiful picture till this day. The way she snuggled next to her mother's chest, laying her head on her mother's shoulder with a look that could not be described with anything else besides love. It was a pure untainted love. It looked like she didn't want to be anywhere else. It looked like she never felt as safe. The softness in her eyes indicating no fear of the dangers in the world. The tiny content smile because she was happy. Dammit, I want someone to love me like that too! This beats the love in The Notebook anytime! But childbirth. Ugh. I don't think I'm ready to squeeze a tiny human out of my hoo-hoo anytime soon. I wonder how some women do it. I know of women my age who are like baby making factories. Respect.

And as for Bob Saget, I have repented and know now that it is wrong to be in love with someone old enough to be your father. But hey, if it's your thing, I'm not judging and wish you all the happiness in the world. I just think it's kind of sick but, no, I'm not judging. :D

Anyway I've digressed quite a bit because my point is despite what I think, I am actually old enough to think about these things. I'm no longer too young and no one is going to tell me to wait till I'm older and to focus on my studies because I'm even done with that! Hah!

I know of some women whose life's ambition is to be married and have kids. While I do tend to take it easy and have no plans of becoming some corporate hotshot, I don't really believe in marriage. However, that doesn't mean I don't believe in love, because I do. I believe that love can exist without marriage but some marriages do exist without love. If I should ever be expected to visit the idea of marriage, I have to be convinced that I'm going to get "The Notebook" love. One that is forever and can't be ruined by anything, not even Alzheimer's. One where I'll still be beautiful in his eyes even when I have 10 pounds of lard hanging out like it's a good day.

It can't only happen in movies. If people can speak of such tales, then it must exist. And I am not settling for less.

Yeap, won't be getting married any time soon. Sigh~

Pussy.

2009-06-14T02:56:00.008+08:00

Aiyoh.

Why am I such a girl? I cannot stand myself. I have this innate ability to look for issues that shouldn't even be there in the first place. -____-

Even with Kenny and Zharif's power head drilling, I still feel like shiet. They make perfect sense and they have been telling me what I've always known. The rational part of me is like "nod nod, true true, I get it, it's cool" but the female part of me is resisting all logical explanations and just feels bad.

Excerpts from convo with Kenny:

How now?
You damn bodoh and you dug your own grave.
:(

Excerpts from convo with Zharif:

I'm crazy right?
Yeah.
:(

I want to ignore it but I can't! My self-esteem is plummeting and that's not something I can control. They tell me to look at the different side of the coin and that I should be happy because I have every reason to be but I can't. Because I can't stop obsessing over this. I cannot comprehend it and it doesn't make sense and I feel like a disappointment. :(

I've never felt the pressure to be skinny before. Even when I say I want to lose weight, it was always because I want to. Never have I thought of being skinny just so that I can appeal to someone else. :( I've never felt so inadequate before. :( Not since I was a tubby 12 year old.

I'm so crazy that I've been comparing myself to every female face I see now. Every one puts a dent in my self-esteem. I've never cared so much about how I looked before. But looks trump personality, or so I'm told. How can I not care?

Why am I like this? :( It's so pathetic.

I'm so pathetic that my ego doesn't even feel the need to keep this from everyone. Maybe the shreds I have left have already disintegrated...

What the hell is going on with me? :(

I need to grow a pair. Dudes have it better.

So much for being jolly.

Resolution

2009-06-12T18:26:00.003+08:00

I'm gonna be happy clappy, I don't care.

Dear Amelia,

You start work in a month. It could mark the beginning of a new life or it could very well be the very end of life. You will no longer have Friday nights. You will no longer have the freedom to mamak whenever you want. Please cherish the days you have left and live it to the fullest. No, lying in bed all day isn't living it to the fullest. Okay, if it makes you happy, then do it but only because it makes you happy and not because it's a way to hide from the world. There is no reason to be depressed. Being depressed is a waste of time. You are very capable of being happy. Be happy. Enjoy life. Go out even when you have no where to go. Go hiking. Go to the park. Ask people you haven't seen in yonks, out. Stop being lazy just because you can. You don't have much time left. The window for absolute freedom is closing fast. Appreciate it. Be weird, be crazy, be jovial, be bursting with energy, be happy wappy because that is how you want to remember the moments you have left.

Your life doesn't suck. You have good things going for you. So, shed the sad facade and be that jolly person that you so miss.

Love,
Your brain.

Angry

2009-06-08T20:54:00.003+08:00

Pissed off.

I'm in such a bad mood today. Everything is in a shade of ugly. Everything is wrong. I hate everything and everyone.

I hate that my face is so fat.
I hate that I don't know if I'll have a place to live in July.
I hate that I have to lie to my Mom about certain things.
I hate not being able to tell the truth.
I hate living in a lie.
I hate how my relationship started.
I hate seeing her face.
I hate that people are so superficial and shallow.
I hate going into the SmartTag lane when all I have is a Touch n'Go card and I end up stalling the lane.
I hate going shopping when I feel bad about buying things.
I hate that my cellphone isn't fixed yet.
I hate that I haven't watched the movies I want to yet.
I hate that I can't ask anyone to hang out anymore because everyone's busy.
I hate that when I start working, everyone will be free to hang out.
I hate people that talk too much.
I hate people who talk as if they know so much.
I hate that people expect me to care when I don't.
I hate trying to regain control of my life when it's so hard to do.
I hate that my happiness depends on his actions.
I hate that he doesn't do anything.
I hate that I'm losing myself over something that might not even be worth it.
I hate not knowing what my future holds.
I hate that I'm worried about my job when it hasn't even started.
I hate having no answers.
I hate being disappointed over and over again.
I hate being THE disappointment.
I hate forms that make me fill up what RACE I am.
I hate filling up forms.
I hate going to the bank.
I hate going to two banks and be told to go to another bank to get things done.
I hate not being able to sleep for long hours anymore.
I hate waking up crying.
I hate being afraid.
I hate this anger I have right now.

I'm going to lock myself in my room and shut off my phone.

Boohoo

2009-05-26T00:27:00.003+08:00

This made me cry.

Pure untainted love. Beautiful.

Thank Joanna, for the vid. Stole it from your blog. :P

*****************************************************************************

I watched this 10 times now and I still get goosebumps and teary eyed at it.

I want a pet Lion.

Personality test.

2009-05-15T18:08:00.004+08:00

I'm ENFP.

ENFPs have a tendency to overextend themselves in both their physical and emotional commitments. Their proclivity to procrastinate and to overlook details complicates their circumstances. ENFPs often move on to new ventures without completing those they have already started. Their charming personalities can show signs of irritability and over-sensitivity when their desires to please different people come into conflict. During times of stress, ENFPs feel alienated. They then engage in deceptions that serve to obscure what is occurring within themselves.

The ENFP finds symbolic meanings behind the immediate circumstances. These meanings are construed as foreboding problems when ENFPs are under stress. Having a pervasive feeling of losing control over their own independent identities, ENFPs will feel virtually split apart by intruding circumstances. They will be "besides themselves" and "just not all there" — as if something, or someone, has taken away the essence of who they are. Not feeling like themselves, the ENFP will become subject to their own feelings of shame for being a phony, a fake or an impostor. If stress continues to grow, they may attribute malevolent schemes to others in order to explain away their fears.

This is surprisingly pretty accurate and speaks volumes about me.

Got this from a friend when I was complaining about having nothing to do. If you have some extra time to spare, take the test @ Personality Test Center and tell me what type you are. :D

Hmmmm....

2009-05-14T20:51:00.009+08:00

Going public.

The purpose of a blog is to allow a space for expression. A space for random ideas, deep thoughts, retrospection and also sudden mind spasms.

I started blogging when I was 16. Or was it 15? Anyway, it's been nearly 7 years since that day I took a bold step into being tech savvy (or at least I thought I was being tech savvy, and to be fair, I started blogging way before the blogging fad hit Malaysia :P).

I used to keep a diary. I had two. The first one, a green and blue book with pictures of cartoon fishes and a heart shape lock and key. The second one, a red Hello Kitty one with a heart shape lock and key too. They were extremely small and hard to write in. I started the first one when I was 9, wrote in pencil and had huge ass handwriting and I wrote so religiously I filled up the entire teensy book within 6 months. The second diary was written in pen. Blue pen. Writing in pen sucks because I swear my hand has a life of its own and loves writing before my brain can think. So the second diary was filled with many crossed out words and blotchy correction liquid spots. But I took pride in my diaries. They were my personal space, my non-living confidante that allowed me to express my thoughts and feelings. I took pride in decorating the pages. Glitter pens, coloured pens, Keropi the Frog stickers, dried leaves and cut outs of pictures that I thought I looked good in. :P

I wrote in such an honest way. The occurences of my life written in detail. Names, dates, feelings, places, there was nothing to hide because no one would know. But then I started writing less frequently and eventually lost the key to the lock -___- .

At first blogging was fun. The hidden attention whore in me revelled in the idea that my writings were being viewed by the public. It made it seem like whatever I had to say, however little it may be, meant something. My thoughts were out there. And somehow, it made it seem like they mattered. Then blogging evolved into a medium for my friends to be updated on my life. It was a way to keep in touch. But now, I feel so exposed. My thoughts are no longer private and I cannot write as freely as I would like to. Every entry that served as a emotional release for me had to be written in some sort of cryptic way, so I can express myself without revealing too much. It seems to me that blogging, has somehow lost its purpose.

But then again, it is only public because I make it public. Perhaps I should start a private blog where I can be more honest and open about myself without stirring anyone's sensitivities.

I also realise that I no longer blog about my daily routines. Well to be fair, my daily routine these days are hardly worth mentioning. Infact I can sum it up with two words.

Sleep.

Bum.

However today I did go out. Hurray!! I watched Star Trek because everyone was saying it was awesome and yes, it was awesome. Captain James Tiberius Kirk is quite the hawt. The dude that played Spock still exuded too much Sylar-ness for me to believe that he's actually a good guy. I was half expecting him to do that finger brain slicing thing in every scene he was in. The dude just looks too bad ass and should play bad ass villian roles forever. I think Kirk makes a really quirky name for a pet Goldfish. :D Oh, and what's up with the female crew wearing mini skirts? Typical American film sexing things up for their audience. I couldn't help rolling my eyes. It's a battleship for goodness sakes. This is where Battlestar Galactica rocks. It's realistic and the females wear pants and can kick ass. Mini skirts? Pah.

I also had lunch in Zanmai Sushi with Sean and Ian today. Actually I had lunch at home but Ian was hungry and Sean suggested Zanmai Sushi. I welcomed the idea because I passed the place while walking to the cinema to meet them and was fantasizing about Salmon Sashimi. Sean practically ordered every freaking thing on the menu. I love my cousins because we share the same passion for food. Infact the whole day was spent talking about food and how much we love them. Salted egg butter crabs, lamb burger, roast chicken, tortilla, pasta, roti bakar cheese. Wargh.

My baby cousins so hamsem. :D

Disappointment

2009-05-12T19:28:00.004+08:00

Disappointment.

I've had my fair share. In myself. In my family. In my friends. In life.

Is it really safer to have no expectations? To not hope? To not dream of better things? But what would life and the relationships in it be without all that?

You cannot expect others to want the same thing.

Do I pick up and leave to find the one person who's interests are perfectly aligned with mine?

I really really wanted it to be you.

I often wonder if you know. I don't understand why you do the things you do. You probably don't understand it yourself.

What do I do?

You tell me.

Because I'm not fighting for this anymore.

Which one?

2009-05-04T19:30:00.000+08:00

My brain hurts.

Because I have been thinking too much. Usually it starts with something simple, like what do I feel like having for brunch tomorrow. Bacon. Wanton Mee. Roti Canai. Then I'll start thinking about the things I can do with my day. Then I'll realise that I haven't much to do. Then I'll start reflecting upon my life, the many issues that plague it. And there are many many many issues one you start digging them up. Upon digging up these issues, I'll get overwhelmed and want to talk to someone. But oh crap, it's 4am in the morning, no one is awake. And then I cry. After wiping away all my facial mucus and snot, I go to sleep.

Rinse and repeat.

You see, life isn't a bitch. We are. Yes, we are all bitches because we're constantly bitching.

Take me for an example. Few months ago, I was depressed and sad and felt like the biggest failure on earth. It was all "Oh woe, woe is me! I have no options because I suck". So I sit in a corner and cry. Stay under the sheets until my legs become so hairy, I'm a man.

And after all that, I find out that I do have options, that I don't suck that bad. I should be pretty darn happy right? The world should be all rainbows and sunshines and ponies and care bears right? But nooo. It's "Oh woe, woe is me! I have too many options, I don't know what to do! This sucks".

Someone should smack the bejesus out of me.

This shows that nothing is easy. Nothing.

If my life is the way it was a year ago, making this decision might be a lot easier. Things were different then. I didn't have so much to consider. I didn't want so many things. Well, there weren't many for me to want in the first place. :P I had a different mindset. Different goals. A different vision of what my future would be like.

But now, there are so many more elements in my life. My future looks a little different now. Actually it looks REALLY different. -____- So different that the old me would have a heart attack.

This is so very hard though. I want what I want but yet I still want to stay true to myself. I'm trying to look at the bigger picture but heck, I don't even know which big picture I should look at. I have TWO dammit.

WHICH ONE?!?! Ya Allah, help me.

I need to make a pro/con list.

But something tells me I've made up my mind.

Btw I'm having chocolate cake. :D

A change of pace?

2009-04-30T00:44:00.003+08:00

Hullo!!

Life has been slow for me for a couple of months. Infact it was so slow, it was utterly horrid. I had no direction, no confidence and the road ahead was a dark forbidding fog of uncertainty. I was at my lowest of lows. It took me months to find myself again.

I'm proud that I did. Proving that no one stays lost forever. It may take time but there is always an answer if you're willing to seek it. Of course I had some help along the way. Patient ears to listen to my constantly depressed voice. Kind hearts that embraced me even at my most undesirable state. You know who you are. I will be eternally grateful.

I am now in a place where I can be happy. I am once again capable of embracing happiness. Fully and truthfully. I've never appreciated it as much as I did today. I guess it is inevitable then. No one can truly understand happiness if they have yet experience sadness. It sounds incredibly sadistic but it is absolutely necessary.

Yes.

My life is changing and I am once again to traverse new territories. All these years of hating change, I am now going to embrace it. Wholeheartedly. Come what may. I am ready.

Things to look forward to in the coming months.

Phan Shean's coming home. Yay! I am depending on you to cure my boredom and be my karaoke/food buddy.
Possible trip with Karen and Phan Shean to Pulau Perhentian.
Some family events and trips. A reason to dress up and look pretty is good for me.
A job. One that pays pretty well.
My own place albeit a room with possibly no air-conditioning (because I am keen on staying in a place with a swimming pool).
And one more thing I dare not mention lest I jinx it and it won't come true. >__<

May it all unfold nicely.

Because you're amazing!

2009-04-17T00:26:00.003+08:00

Thank you baby!!

You rock my socks.

XOXOXOXO

Forgiveness

2009-04-16T20:57:00.005+08:00

I watched Oprah.

I know this is very dated but read this. *click here*

I found it incredibly amazing that his father could forgive him. At first, I thought it was ridiculous and that maybe he's just as sick and wanted to get some air time on TV. But when the story started unfolding, I felt really bad for thinking that way because this is a man who had his entire life taken away from him. Imagine finding out that your son killed your family, the people you love most, your reason to live, your meaning of life. How could anyone be sane again? How could anyone want to live anymore, let alone live a normal life and have the capacity to forgive? How could one have faith in God after that?

I tried imagining being in his shoes. I would be angry, confused and so lost. There wouldn't even be time for forgiveness. I would be engulfed by darkness that would last an eternity.

But Kent Whitaker chose to forgive. He chose to live. He chose to rise to a place where very few could. He cleansed his heart of the poison of hatred and chose to heal. He was brave and strong enough to fight what most of us couldn't, wouldn't.

I was very inspired by his story. As I watched him speak about forgiveness, I couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness and awe. I imagined the thoughts that he had to overcome, the grief and the pain of it all, the guilt and the self-pity. Yet he emerged victorious.

The things he said struck a chord in me. He said he knew that the only way to heal was through forgiveness. Because he wanted a new life, after going through all the pain and grief. It's true that there is no point going through all the pain and never rising above it. No point suffering so badly and end up still bitter, vengeful and full of grudge. And I also was reminded that being bitter and vengeful is actually more harmful to me than others. It is poison.

Kent Whitaker also credited his strength to his faith in God. Faith is a life saver. It doesn't have to be specifically in God, a higher power or an organised religion. A person can have faith in all sorts of things. Having faith draws out our inner strength. Human beings need to believe in something, be it in a higher power or just the goodness of mankind, in order to summon that inner strength. We need a reason to believe, a reason to take that next step. Faith is a beautiful, powerful tool. It makes us amazing. It gives us greatness.

So there was I on my parents' bed, eating an ice-cream, feeling this rush of clarity. We choose who we want to become. Forgiveness is a choice. It is our choice. And when there is a choice between a happy life and a bitter life, it's really a no brainer.

We go through life searching for answers, thinking that there is some complex profound way to understanding things. But the reality is, profoundness is usually found in the simplest of teachings. It is usually found in things we've always known but choose to ignore and forget. Our answers are in the fundamentals. Love and forgiveness.

Today I've found my answers.

And I love Oprah. :D

Metamorphing.

2009-04-05T04:28:00.003+08:00

Change.

I can feel it in me. Something is brewing inside and it is about to emerge. I am at that point in my life where I feel like I am going to be a different person. This time, it is for real.

I'm am so incredibly sore with life. Never have I felt like this. Never so strongly. I'm seeing things differently, viewing people around me in a different light and am constantly feeling negative. I am so so fed up with it all.

As I sit here, feeling myself change, I feel an incredible amount of sadness. I've never envisioned this. For life to be so cruel and unforgiving. For myself to succumb to the very thing I try not to be. But admist all the negativity, how else can I fight it? I cannot thrive alone.

The saddest thing is that I can still feel bits of the old me, resisting this, wanting to fix it, wanting to feel differently, wishing that things were different. But they are not. Change happens all around, and though I've never quite understood nor accepted it in the past, I do now.

It is just so tiring faking enthusiasm and pretending to be okay with it all. I want to leave. I've exhausted all that I am here and I'm ready to leave. For some place where I can be who I want to be again. Because unless some miracle happens, I'm done here. I can no longer find it in myself to be that person.

Right now, I'm waiting for my moment. A temporary escape. An excuse to ignore it all, till I find that plane ticket out of this forlorn place, so that I can once again be who I really am.

May it come quick.

Men.

2009-03-07T01:05:00.005+08:00

Men.

I swear I was going to blog about how awesome Jason Mraz's concert was or how Slumdog Millionaire made me feel so good today...but this one issue has been gnawing at my mind on my way back home from a night out with the girls. I feel so strongly about it that I drove home a little quicker so that I can come back and blog about it.

So that I will never forget.

Men are dangerous. Men are volatile. Men lie. Men are apparently capable of loving more than one. Men have problems staying loyal because it is apparently in their genes to impregnate as many women as possible *roll eyes*. Men make too many excuses without ever owning up to them. And some men should really just shove their sticks up their own asses.

Men can be as despicable as they want but women should always remember that they don't have to stand for it.

Never ever be made to feel like you're second best.
A person who does not treat you like you're No. 1 DOES NOT deserve to be your No. 1.
Love is ALWAYS fair, with no one actually calculating.
If he is not treating you right, LEAVE, no matter how much you think you love him.
There is always someone better. Someone who will love you the way you want to be loved. Always know what you want and how you want to be treated and NEVER settle for less.
Never make excuses for him.
Never think that you don't deserve more. Because you do.
There is always a limit to understanding and compromise. Once crossed, say STOP, FINISH, DONE. BYE BYE.

This is why relationships can be so scary. Because you can lose yourself and be so infused with the idea of love (that probably once existed) that you can't find your way out. The worst is to love someone more than you love yourself. I never believed in that. I've always believed in loving myself first. It probably sounds selfish but I can't see myself loving or treating anyone right if I don't start with myself. Because if I know how to love myself I would know how to love others and treat them with the respect that I'd expect for myself.

Okay fine. If you must love someone more than you love yourself, at least make sure that that someone is worth it. There's nothing worst than giving your all to someone who doesn't give a rat's ass.

Ugh. I really cannot stand how some men can have the audacity to do so wrong and expect to be forgiven. I really cannot stand how these men can remain on a pedestal despite acting like the lowest life-form that deserves to be squish dead under your heels. I'd take them all down if I could. For causing all the hurt and the misery that no one deserves to endure.

ALL YOU CHEATERS, LIARS, MANIPULATORS SHOULD FALL OFF A CLIFF AND NOT DIE.

Okay, I feel better now that I got all that rage out. My god, I was so mad. I just really hate seeing people I love being mistreated.

Alright now I'm really tired. I shall go sleep. I hope I won't dream of killing certain people. >__<

Hi baby :) . Don't be scared. I love you and this does not apply to you okay. I know you're not sadistic enough to incur my wrath. :D :D :D <3

Some clarity?

2009-02-13T23:58:00.002+08:00

You want what you want.

And anything else wouldn't come close. There are some things that just can't be bent. No matter how hard you try to look at different angles to find an alternative answer, a solution, there's just no other way. There only that one way. No compromise. It is what it is. And the heart wants what it wants.

Being forced into compromise is like filling a balloon with water. It expands to accomodate the increasing amount of water but at a certain point, no more, and all will be a big messy puddle. To choose a side is equally difficult. It never ends well. Someone is bound to get hurt. Making such decisions is never easy. Being torned between two is possibly the suckiest feeling ever. But life is such that you can only have one. And you'll have to live with not having the other.

I'm always envious of people who can readily compromise, genuinely take a step back and make everything okay. I salute them because I know it's such a hard thing to do. To sincerely give in without bearing any ill feelings or thoughts. To just let go.

I want to be like that.

But alas, it is not to be.

I want what I want. And I can't lie to myself no more.

*end rant*

Another phase.

2009-02-11T01:14:00.002+08:00

It's a whirlwind.

If anyone were to have a peek at what's inside my head, that's what they'll see.

It's chaotic. It's random thoughts being thrown around. It's random ideas being formulated, discarded, resurfaced. There a whole clump of insecurity in one corner and paranoia in the other. There is a splash of self-doubt, a pool of fear and a pinch of madness.

And all that makes a very very messed up Amelia Tan.

Flashback, a year ago, I had it all together. I was in control and I was on a steady path. I had ambition and a vision. I knew what I wanted, or at least I thought I did. Never would I have imagine that one year later, I'll be here, an unemployed bum blasting Muse on the radio, questioning her existance in life. What's my purpose? What am I here for? Why am I feeling so uncontented? Why is the sky blue? Why is the moon round? I swear, the questions I ask sometimes. I need a supermassive black hole alright.

Do you really love me?

Why do you love me?

Have I been a good friend lately?

Do people hate me?

Am I being played?

Am I being delusional?

Do I matter?

Will people miss me if I died?

What kind of person am I?

Am I unworthy?

Will I always be giving for the rest of my life?

Will there be a day where I'll be loved without doing anything to earn it?

Is she better than I am?

Will this ever work?

Will I ever find direction?

Can I handle being alone?

What am I afraid of?

Am I ashamed of myself?

Does he know that I'm hurting?

Does he know what I want?

Will she be supportive?

Does he know that I'm disappointed?

Will I have babies one day?

Will I find happiness?

Vday Schmday.

2009-02-05T23:47:00.005+08:00

Because Joanna's blog reminded me that V-day is just around the corner...

February 14th. That's 9 days away.

I have something to confess. Every year I participate in the "Valentine's Day is so commercialised" talk. Every year I frown and shake my head at overpriced flowers and restaurants charging an arm and a leg for a romantic meal. Every year I pretend that I don't care.

Yes. Pretend. Because deep down, like every other girl, I dream of being swept off my feet on V-Day (okay, I'm assuming here but I do believe all girls would rather have a really lavish V-day compared to staying at home being a dud). Bring on the flowers (NEVERMIND that they die), the pretty gifts, the heart shaped balloons, the chocolates and the lovely candlelight dinner while I stare all goo-goo eyed into his eyes. Yes, if I could, I would totally be in support of the whole commercialization. *hangs head in shame*

To be honest, it's just wanting to feel special. Of course some would say everyday should be like Valentine's Day but if you get swept off your feet every single day, where's the fun in that anymore? Feeling special only works when the unexpected happens. And for the unexpected to happen, it can't be done everyday. So no, everyday shouldn't be like Valentine's Day. Of course, I'm not saying that you should love each other more on V-day and less on other days. It's just that, since you have a day picked out for you to be made special, then why not? :P Okay, I know I'm totally losing the argument here but I don't care. My ideal V-day is commercialised so sue me.

So far I've celebrated Valentine's Day twice. The first one was a disaster because I broke up. Who the hell breaks up on V-day? ME! :D The second one was better, nice but it was mellow because I was being the understanding girlfriend and didn't want to be a brat.

When I was younger and boyfriend-less, my parents took pity on me and sent me an anonymous Valentine's Day card. My papa actually cut and pasted alphabets from a newspaper onto the card to make it look more mysterious. It said "To Amelia, Happy Valentine's Day. From your Secret Admirer." Hahahahahahahaha! I guess it was a sweet gesture but finding out that your parents sent you an anonymous Valentine's Day card kind of put you in the loser department. Yeah.

Oh and one time, my parents (again) made my cousin call me and pretend to be my secret admirer while I was out with my girls. He was pretty good because I had no idea that it was a prank until my dad called me. It was hilarious but still.......it didn't really make me look too cool, now that I think about it. -___-

And this year, there's pretty much zero hope on me being out on Valentine's Day. First, my male prop is a gazillion miles away from me. Secondly, it's too expensive to go out. Thirdly, I'm giving up on the whole idea of Valentine's Day. For single people like me, it's just another day. So I'm planning on going to bed early to avoid getting green-eyed at the glowing dreamy looking females with huge bouquets in their arms.

I hope my parents behave this year though. >__<

Touchdown Guangzhou!

2009-02-04T00:30:00.003+08:00

Greetings from Guangzhou!! <3

Here are a few things I've noticed on my 1st day here.

- The weather is so NOT cold. -___- I can walk out in a tank top and shorts if I want to but I didn't bring any. But the locals here dress like there's a blizzard.

- The air here is DRY. So dry that I woke up and felt the dryness in my nostrils. And the most amazing thing is that my boogers are rock solid hard! Digging dry boogers makes me happy because I hate wet squishy things. :D

- There are big, tall buildings everywhere! EVERYWHERE!

- Everything is square. -___-

- Pork burgers at McD's get sold out really fast. :(

- Burgers at McD's here taste way better than the ones in Malaysia. The beef patty is bigger, juicier and they have cucumbers in their burgers. Yum!

- My Cantonese suck. I've always thought I speak pretty decent Cantonese but the locals can tell that I'm foreign the moment I open my mouth. Also I tend to use a lot of Malaysian Cantonese slang which is unheard of here. Epic FAIL.

- I'm definitely Malaysian. Yeap.

The apartment I'm staying at is brilliant. It's huge. We all have a room to ourselves. There's a kitchen. A washing machine. And it has free internet access!! :D

Honestly, I spent my first day here sleeping till 5pm because I just had my period this morning and I'm cranky, weak and tired when I have my period. But I did do a little shopping and I bought 3 pair of shoes. :D

Everything is on SALE here.

Happy happy, joy joy. <3

Alright, time to get some shut eye. Soft and fluffy pillows, here I come. :D

Happy Chinese New Year!

2009-01-28T02:16:00.005+08:00

Every Chinese New Year... *in the tune of that Ikea song*

- I binge on pineapple tarts, ngaku (arrowhead) chips, chocolate chip cookies, dried pork slices, big fat juicy tangerines and the small cute juicy tangerines.

- I also binge on other non-CNY related food like ice cream, cakes and cupcakes.

- I become fatter. This year is unique because I've been piling on the pounds wayyyy before CNY started. But I still binge anyway because my reasoning is "I'm already fat, might as well eat."

- I get a bad case of diarrhea because of my love for the said tangerines, both big and small.

- My bank account balance is healthier because of the abundance of red packets I get. Thank God for big families. :D

- I stuff myself silly during the 9-course dinners with family.

- I will drink and be merry.

- I will gamble with my crazy cousins who scream and shout at every game of blackjack after winning or losing 1 ringgit. -___- (I have a very crazy family)

- I always lose when I gamble. HOWEVER, this year has been pretty different. I've been on a winning streak. I won 45 bucks playing blackjack! Biggest win EVER in my entire gambling life! This year I also learnt to play poker. I lost my blackjack winnings after a few rounds of poker. But as the night went on, I was on a roll! The year of the Ox is good to me. Maybe I should buy a golden ox figurine and put it next to my bed. :D

- I will vow to lose weight after Chinese New Year.

- I always come home feeling incredibly happy having spent time with my crazy cousins.

I'm reminded that I love this time of the year too. :)

Happy Chinese New Year everyone. Much love. <3

Out and about..

2009-01-19T04:28:00.011+08:00

I went to a career fair today.

It was held at the Mid Valley exhibition centre and of all the days to go, we had to go on a Sunday. I hereby swear that I will NEVER ever ever attempt to go to Mid Valley on a Sunday. The traffic is crazy. Mid Valley is a big mall with parking entrances that goes from A to G which should help lessen traffic flow but noooooo, it was a bumper to bumper, you cut my lane, I cut your lane, we're Malaysians and we're impatient and we don't know how to queue up type of jam. I don't even get why people would want to come out on a Sunday. If it weren't for the fair I would be happy just staying at home warming my lil' toes under my blanket. And to come out knowing you'll be stuck in horrendous traffic. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

I mean to a point (which is after being stuck in the same spot for 30 minutes) you're bound to wonder why the heck did you get up, brush your teeth, put on your underwear and your clothes and your shoes (more hassle if they aren't slip ons), open the gate, reverse your car, lock the gate, get back into your car, drive and end up sitting among a gazillion cars staring into space (if you're not yelling profanities) trying to enter this one mall which is built for the sole purpose of sucking money out of you and making you poorer at the end of the day?

I bet you're feeling plenty stupid now huh?

So yes, stay at home on a Sunday. It's what Jesus would have done. :P

Anyway, the career fair was huge and I managed to submit more than 10 copies of my resume to a few companies. Here's hoping that they'll get back to me.

Also I got hit on by a random guy while at the career fair. He tapped me on the shoulder to ask me a question about the position I signed up for at a booth. Thinking he just wanted some answers, I helpfully explain to him what I did and expected him to go back to the booth to sign up for the same position. Instead, he followed me. And asked me so many personal questions. It was sooo creepy and I was praying that he'd go away. But when I stopped at another booth to fill up a form for another job, he stood behind me and waited for me. -___- In the end he asked for my number so I quickly grabbed a piece of paper, wrote a fake number and ran off the other direction.

Now that I have time to think, I should have just said that I was there with my boyfriend or father or brother or something. Bwargh. And he was so uglehhh. >__< *shudders*

But really now, who picks up girls at a career fair?! It's a CAREER FAIR for goodness sake. And thanks to Mr. Ugleh Dried Lizard dood, I didn't get to check out the back portion of the fair because I was afraid he would follow me if we went in the same direction.

Hmmmm..... if he thinks he's game enough to approach me, WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME?!?! o.O wtf. Why do I always get approached by people like this. Why can't it be someone hot for a change? Why why why why why why why? jflasdlfjadkjfnajksdlahfal,sfna,.sdna,smdna,.sd :(

So yes, that sums up my day.

Oh, and the oven has arrive. Huzzah!

So be it.

2009-01-16T01:32:00.007+08:00

Faith.

That is what you got to have when you're going against the current. You have to know that the destination is worth it. You have to believe that you WILL get there. You will have to summon every positive energy within you to fight all the negativity as you plough your way towards the other end.

It is hard. So very hard.

Because even if you know in your heart and soul, the truth, you'll still waver when everyone tells you that your truth is a lie. It's a tiresome journey, this one. Sometimes it's no fun at all. And when you've reached your lowest point, you forget why you began in the first place.

However, it takes just one person to tell you, "I believe in you" or "I believe in this" to restore that faith. Because if just one person believes, then there must be something good, something worth while.

For a person who's been practical her entire life, I'm doing one of the craziest thing ever. I question my sanity everyday. Most people confirm that fact when I talk to them about it. Heck, I even talked to myself about it in the car on the way to Mandarin class and decided that I'm insane. Of course talking to myself is plenty crazy too.

But it's hard to explain what I feel. It's an impossible story to tell. But I'm so addicted to this feeling. And according to a teenage vampire love storybook, I am hopelessly and irrevocably screwed.

And you know what?

So be it.

My first oven.

2009-01-13T00:57:00.004+08:00

I'm excited!

Because the family just went to Jusco today and ordered this.

Well not this model but I can't find a picture of it online. -__- But it looks similar. I can't believe ovens get sold out. o.O

Anyway, this will be my first oven. The one I'm currently using to bake is really small, old and it was my grandmother's. I've been complaining to my dad that it wasn't enough for me to chase my culinary dreams. No culinary goddess uses a small old oven that once belonged to her grandmother. Actually I wouldn't mind it so much if I didn't find spots where there should be screws once. I don't know what those screws were for but missing screws in a spot where there should be screws means I need a new oven. So after much pestering and convincing him that I was serious about baking and that my few attempts did not kill anyone or burn the house down, we finally went to Jusco for oven shopping. :D

I never thought I would be so excited shopping for an oven. When I saw MY oven, it was love at first sight. I thought it was the sexiest piece of metal I've ever seen. I ran my fingers all over it while cooing at it. It was smooth and sleek and I could roast a turkey in it. It was perfect. <3

We're only collecting it next week but I've been thinking of what to bake to pop my oven's cherry. I want to make its first time (and mine) memorable. Nothing too complicated of course but it's got to be something good. Something that I can be sentimental about. Because I want to be able to take a whiff of a scent and remember my first time.

I'm smelling a butter cake. Ooohhh I can imagine it already. The heavenly buttery scent, the crunchy top crust, warm and soft on the inside...damn, I want a piece now! I'm open to suggestions though. Feel free to give me some. :D Though I think a butter cake would be brilliant.

I'm getting an oven! Am I sexy or what? :D

One step closer to becoming Nigella Lawson. Woot!

Think

2009-01-12T02:43:00.004+08:00

This is what happens when I start thinking too much.

I get way too emotional and sometimes, delusional.

But judging by my mood swings today, I think I'm gonna pass a little of the blame on my hormones. Or Hormelians as he would call them.

Realizing that I'm so deeply flawed is hard. It gets harder when I recall those moments when I've been at my worst and not realize it. I cringe at every recollection. I remember the things I've said, the look on their faces, and now, after all these years I'm finally faced with the truth - that I was wrong. It sucks to be wrong. It sucks even more to be wrong after thinking I was right all along. It's also very embarassing. How can I not see what I was doing? How could I have been so utterly obnoxious and not know it? Sigh.

Taking the first step to change - apology. Sure it bruises the ego a little and there's a part of me that doesn't want to admit defeat but being stubborn isn't going to make me a better person. I have too much to lose. And being stubborn is not worth losing all that I care about.

I can't believe that I've been such a horrible person. I'll never understand how this came to be.

Today I also discovered things that I hated about myself. Seeing Vincent dedicate that song to my grandfather reminded me of the things I promised him at his funeral. I promised that I'd make him proud. Thus far, I have done nothing. Nothing. I am not proud of myself. I can't remember the last time I was.

I miss you Kung Kung. I wish I had half of your strength and integrity. I wish you were still here to give me words of encouragement. I wish I could see the pride in your face when you see me, so that I can remember what it was like to feel great. You believed in me. Sometimes I wish I can believe in myself.

Today I admit that I've done wrong. Today I admit that I've been a lousy person. Today I ask for forgiveness. Today I promise to be better.

Today, I also feel like shit.

New Year Resolution

2009-01-11T18:49:00.004+08:00

My resolution is one.

I've been thinking of a list of new year resolutions but today I decided to scrap all that and just focus on one.

To be a better person.

It's funny how you try so hard and yet there are just some things you can't control.

To realise this after so many years kind of sucks. For so long I've been trying to find the answer to this question. I could never figure it out. I wish someone would have told me sooner.

But I guess it's never too late.

I'm too self-righteous. Too defensive. I can't take criticism. I always thinks I'm right. And I like to make it known that I'm right.

I don't like being asked questions that I don't have answers for. I don't like being pressured into doing things. I don't like being judged for doing/not doing things. I don't like being made feel shitty when I already do. And I especially don't like being put in impossible situations - situations where I absolutely have no control. I don't like being cornered.

It's probably something I have to work on. I need to understand that not everyone is out there to get me. That standing up for myself can be done differently. Not like this. You're not being bullied. Put the past behind. You're no longer a child. These are not the same people.

Be a better person, Amelia Tan. You can't handle being otherwise.

Because I'm in love.

2009-01-11T01:17:00.006+08:00

How sweet it is to be loved by you.

Everyday I wake up knowing that I'm yours, my heart never fails to flutter.

Everytime you call me baby, my cells tingle with joy.

Everytime you pick up the phone, my day gets better.

Everytime you say you love me, I believe I love you more.

This incredibly amazing thing you do to me, I want to tell the whole world.

Because every part of me wants burst into a cheesy love song.

You make me silly. You make me crazy. You make me feel like safihsdkjvbsaklfhalufdhaksjdna. :D

Sometimes I still don't understand why you'd want me or if I'm worth it.

But you always make me feel like I'm so much more than I am. Thank you.

I can't wait for us to be together again. I miss you. So much.

I love you and you DO have a small head. <3

Ps. - I know you read my blog sometimes, so this is for you. :)

Venus

2009-01-10T02:52:00.002+08:00

Ohai. I be Venus.

Coming back from Langkawi was horrible. First I was sunburnt. Then there was news about Venus being in the hospital because of Uterine infection. I remembered entering my house all cheery and happy, still basking in the after joy of my vacation and then feeling like someone took my guts out from my stomach after my mom told me the news. I didn't know if it was serious but I knew that she was no longer the puppy I brought back home, which means that a surgery could be dangerous. So I cried and I prayed and I didn't sleep well at all because I was so scared.

We went to visit her the day before her surgery and she just came out from an ultrasound session. She was panting really hard and looking all lost and confused. Watching her like that made my heart ache. Watching the handlers put her into her cage made me want to punch them in the face for hurting her. The doctor said that the surgery was common and that we didn't need to worry. He promised that we'll have her back.

We worried. But we did get her back. :D

Venus is now officially uterus-less. Apparently the surgery she had was called desexing. Now she has to wear a cone collar so that she won't bite her bandages off. When she gets better I'm going to stick paper petals on her cone so that she'll look like a flower. :D

She's been very weak. We suspect that it was the lack of sleep and food at the animal hospital. I wonder how did she eat with that cone collar around her neck. She couldn't even reach her water bowl when she came back and she kept knocking into EVERYTHING which was kinda hilarious. When we brought her back, I could see the relief in her eyes. I knew she was glad to be back home. So far she's been sleeping a lot and she'd only sleep when we're around. She's also been dreaming a lot. It's a funny thing when dogs dream. Every part of them twitches. Venus's legs were moving like she was chasing something. :)

She's been a real big baby since she came back. I had to crush her dog food to tiny bits and feed her with my hand. Then I'll have to feed her water using the doggie bottle because she can't drink from the water bowl. But the affection she gives back makes my heart melt. Seeing her so dependent on me makes me feel like protecting her from the world.

Sometimes I forget that she's an old dog. It doesn't make sense because I can still remember the day I brought her back as a puppy. That little ball of black fur. It's been 8 years since that day. How did she age faster than I did? How can she be old when I'm still young? The laws of nature are so screwed up sometimes.

Well, at least I have her back.

I love you, pup. Get well soon. And stop being so picky with food. >__<

Being bored.

2008-12-30T05:04:00.024+08:00

If I were a skinny bitch...

I'd totally wear these!

Love, love, love this look. The layers aren't too dramatic allowing the skirt to keep a clean structure. The tutu effect gives it a touch of girlyness. And in black for a dash of sophistication. Too bad, my thunder thighs won't do this piece any justice. I'd pair this with grey booties.

Ahh..so flowly and feminine with a slight boho touch. I'm really into the whole boho look btw. But I always think it's better suited for lanky people. And sadly, I'm not lanky. And looking at this top, for once, I wish I had smaller boobs...... :(

OMG, this is totally the smexiest dress evah. Nuff' said. If I wore it, I'd be a gold whale. :(

Now I found these pieces very interesting. I'm wondering if people with a little bit (okay, fine, a whole lot) of meat, i.e - me, could wear these. The lack of a waistline may result in a very tubular figure. But don't you think these look mighty comfy? I'd call them the buffet dresses. :D

I love the colour. I think a waist cincher will give it a better silhouette and dress it up a little since it's a plain colour. I'd dress it up with lots of gold accessories and a tan. Yum.

Okay, maybe it's my obsession with Electric Blue but I find this piece gorgeous. Of course it'll look tonnes better on a skinny person. Damn you skinny people. :(

Don't you think this looks like a modern day Saree? I love the design but don't quite like the black and white combo. I'd prefer it to be in more vivid colours. Turquoise and purple maybe? Yellow and blue?

Not incredibly fond of this but very drawn to it's Greek Goddess aura.

I found a few pieces that I'd so love to own. Why aren't I earning in USD? Wait, I'm not even earning. -___- Oh woe, woe is me. :(

I absolutely love this look. Don't mind the model's constipated face. Love the studded top, the neon pink belt and the jeans. It's edgy, fun and laid back rolled into one!

This is pretty interesting too. Imagine swishing around in this. :D Like a tassled cape. :D

I want this because it's cute. I'll wear it in my room with the A/C on.

This is SO me. <3

The shirt reminds me of our baju sukan only wayyyyy nicer. Preppy, smart and laid back.

To feed my floral craze I've been having lately. So feminine it makes me want to sip tea and cross my legs like a lady.

My favourite piece. I want. T__T

Okay, time to wash my hair. Pictures are from Forever21 and Urban Outfitters. Great places to kill time while waiting for the hair dye to work. :D

Might as well

2008-12-29T04:39:00.014+08:00

It sucks to be lying awake at night.

And I've been doing that pretty often lately. It's so frustrating when you feel your eyeballs hurt and practically screaming for some shut eye but you. just. can't. freaking. fall. asleep. :(

When that happens, my mind goes into overdrive and wanders to the far corners of the earth. I think about anything and everything. I go through every detail, pondering and wondering and analyzing and debating with myself until my brain shuts down at 10am in the morning. When normal people start waking up. -___-

But rubbish sleeping patterns aside, the things that I've been thinking about lately have been pretty random. Probably things I've never gave much thought to but after endless nights of analyzing and talking to myself, I've pretty much decided what I want. I even have a pretty picture in my head.

Random sleepless nights thoughts #1

I want to be able to cook. As in like a culinary goddess. When I was once puny and skinny, I've always liked watching my aunt cook and bake. When she let me stir the stew or knead the dough, my heart always does a little joyous flip (I swear, it felt like it was flipping!). Then I always thought it interesting to mix different ingredients to create taste. How can this plus this produce something as yummy tasting as this?! So amazing.

Also food is probably the second most pretty thing after clothes.

I can already imagine the fun icing these. Don't they look too precious to eat? And the Hello Kitty colour scheme. Wargh. So fuckin' sweet tak tahan.

And isn't this the prettiest cake evah? So quirky and colourful and so so so cantik. Ma, I want this cake for my birthday, even if I'm going to be 23 next year.

Okay so this may not be your conventional idea of pretty but damn this stuff is good. Takoyaki, I can almost taste you, you lil' devillish ball of goodness. And Japanese mayo, ooohh load on the good stuff baby. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Okay I'm going to get some at Jusco tomorrow.

Heck, even Nasi Lemak looks pretty. Asian beauty, wtf.

And sashimi, my love.

Look at the burst of colours in a juicy plate of steak. Imagine the taste of succulent meat in your mouth, juicy and tender and bursting with flavours. Damn, I can get an orgasm just looking at this.

So yeah. I want to be a culinary goddess. I've been practising by making simple dishes to bring to parties and I'm even organising one on the 30th so I can practise some more. So far, the mashed potatoes I've made have received far more compliments than I expected (cos I didn't expect any) and now I'm more than motivated to make other dishes. XD

Random sleepless nights thoughts #2

I want to have unidentical twins. Because I want a boy and a girl and I hope to go through pregnancy only once. And save on hospital bills too. Two for the price of one. :D I want to name my baby boy Ethan and my baby girl LeAnne. I want both kids to look like me. Okay maybe one of them to look like me, I'll be fair to future hubby. I've always thought it'd be cool to see a mini version of myself running around. It's almost like having a toy. :D Okay, don't judge me.

But as much as I want kids of my own, I always worry about being a good parent. How on earth am I going to protect my kids from the evils of the world. Even if I set a good example at home, they're bound to be influenced by their environment. What if my 4 year old uses the word Fuck? Or what if he plays with his penis in public (I SWEAR I've seen kids do that). Or what if they start watching porn at 12? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna say? How else can I retain their innocence besides chaining them to their seats? What if I ruin their lives and what if Ethan and LeAnne hates me? :(

Hmmm...now I wonder, if I ever do have kids, will they ever stumble upon this blog and watch me get paranoid over having children? Kinda cool right?

Hi Ethan and LeAnne!! Mommy loves you. :) And you're grounded if you use the word fuck okay.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....umm...okay.

Random sleepless nights thoughts #3

I want a beach wedding. Or a garden wedding. Actually I can't decide. A beach wedding might be a little messy, might get sand stuck in my heels, and walking on sand in heels is pretty stupid right? Okay so, a garden wedding. And it better not rain the day before. I don't want to be sloshing around, getting mud stuck on my heels.

So I want a small gathering of friends and family. Nothing big and showy. A nice simple setting with the awesomest gazebo in the middle covered with lilies and pink roses. And my dress will be damn cantik too. I've been dreaming about my wedding dress since I was 6. Just the dress, not so much the wedding. :P I want it to look like the one Princess Serenity wears in the Sailormoon comic. :D I want little flowers in my hair. If I can look like a fairy or a mythcal creature lagi best. :D Would be really appropriate since it's a garden wedding. My brides maids will be Sing Yieng, Pui Yee, Chenn, Jessica and LPY. My maid of honour will be one of them. I'll make them draw sticks. :P Their dresses will be light yellow with a pastel purple ribbon tied at the waist. Chiffon and flowly, knee length, so they can swish around in it. :D

I might want a male stripper for my bacholerette party too.

Hmmm...actually a wedding by the sea makes for good pictures too. I could have it at a pier, that way, no sand stuck in shoes. :D Destination wedding sounds awesome too. If I'm rich enough, I'll definitely have one in Bali. Oyeahh!

Random sleepless nights thoughts #4

When I die, I want my funeral to be a big celebration of my life. The picture on my coffin will not be an uptight smiling picture of myself. It will be one of my camwhoring pictures. Actually I should have a huge poster made by many random pictures of me and my life's adventures (assuming I'll have plenty by the time I'm dead). There will be loads of flowers on my funeral. It'll be really cool if I had My Little Pony figurines placed on my coffin. :D John Mayer will be playing in the background. I swear before I die, I'll leave a video recording of myself addressing my family and friends during my funeral. It'll be like my final speech, and hopefully one that will let everyone know that I will always love them and that there's much more life to live for them. I might use this.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Looking back at what I just typed, I think I'm sounding a little too domesticated. O__O What, food, kids, weddings and death?

My idle mind scares me. >__<

Year end.

2008-12-28T22:23:00.009+08:00

Once again..

The year is coming to a close. New year resolutions will be made and probably not kept. People will be reflecting on their lifes, elements that came and went, supposedly enriching and moulding persons into better versions of themselves. There will be a big celebration at the final moment, or not. Some will be out partying while some will be in bed by the time the clock strikes 12. For some, it's a different day with the same shit, for me, it's a whole new beginning.

I guess it's why people make New Year resolutions. It's all about timeline and having a schedule. It's the idea of a new beginning that gives people a new found energy to do things they wouldn't do otherwise. It's probably not necessary if you have more self discipline, but for people like me, an idea of a fresh start is most welcomed.

Year 2008 has introduced me to a whole lot of exciting things. Things that I never thought would happen to me. It's a year that filled me with new ideas and perspectives. I'd like to think of it as a whole year of mental training before I take on the real deal in 2009.

Now next year is pretty scary. Whenever I think about where I'll be in 2009, I can never really wrap my mind around it. Too different. Too many changes. I'll probably discover a whole new me. I just wonder if I'll be happy. I hope I make the right decisions.

I'll post up my New Year resolutions soon. :) Maybe some pictures to bring some life back to this dead blog of mine. I know you miss my face.

News from the bummer.

2008-12-01T00:49:00.003+08:00

Hello!

It's been almost a month since the day I was done with my exams. Result were out a few days ago and I must say I've been pretty bummed about it. It's not that I did incredibly bad, I just did okay. Mediocre would be the best word to sum everything up.

Dealing with being mediocre has humbled me. I'm trying to grasps all these new perspectives I must now take in order to move on. It hurts to have your ego trampled on. It hurts to know that you're not all that and that failure is pretty much imminent if you don't work your ass out. You're no genius and if you want to do well, you have to work hard. And I guess, I have to learn that the hard way.

I guess I'm pretty lucky, with all the procrastinating and minimal effort, I managed to do pretty well and in a way it comforts me to think that "Hey, I must be pretty smart!" but I also feel like beating myself up for being so lazy and so nonchalant and arrogant about my studies when I need to be realistic.

But I'm through with what-if's and wallowing in guilt, what's done it done and I can't turn back time.

I'll be searching for jobs and making use of myself. Being idle for so long makes me feel pathetic and useless.

I yearn to feel alive again.

There are so many uncertainties plaguing my mind right now and I can't wait for them to be resolved.

I wish something would happen. Something good.

How now, brown cow

2008-11-14T00:43:00.000+08:00

Last week marked the end of my tertiary education. 15 years of the same routine back to back, it seemed like it would go on forever. As I wrote that last word on my answer script and put down my pen, I kept expecting a huge wave of relief to rush over me. I was waiting for this feeling that signified the end.

Nothing.

It was just like any exam day. I left the hall with a very sore right hand, a neck ache and a great need to sleep.

I kept wondering why did it end like that. Where was that feeling of triumph and the euphoria for freedom? Why did I just go blank? Suddenly everything seemed hollow, like time just stopped and there was no beginning or end. Just a void, a vast space of blankness.

Perhaps it is because I have no idea of what lies ahead. Perhaps I'm in a state of denial of what's to be. To realise that I've been on this road for 15 years, only to end up in a place where I don't want to be. I have no drive, no passion and no excitement for that journey to the future. All I see is a neverending path that will eventually consume me and turn me against all I've ever dreamt of. Escape is only for the privileged. And I am not.

Does this mean that I have to succumb to fate? Is the path that I'm about to take even fated to begin with? Or is this where I fight to go against the steady ongoing motion that dictates the norm of society?

And once again I ask, to settle or pursue?

Sigh.

Que sera sera.

For now, I bum.

Goldfish

2008-11-03T22:08:00.002+08:00

I'mma goldfish.

Short attention span. Too easily distracted.

NOT GOOD!!!

I have a feeling that I will one day remember this day and truly regret. Sigh.

On the other hand, I just listened to Britney Spear's new single. It's kind of old news but BRITNEY'S BACK! :D

This reminds me of a conversation I had with Chenn a month ago. While in the car heading towards the mamak, she suddenly blurted out, "You know, I actually really like Britney Spears!" and I gave her the wildest look of awe. Chenn is a very brave woman to admit that she likes Britney because people our age should have long grown out of our Britney phase and would be caught dead even listening to her.

Because my bestie is so brave, I will now too admit that I kind of like her too. Tee-hee! I do feel a sense of pride that she's managed to make a comeback. SCREW ALL YOU HATERS! HAH! Like it or not, this woman has been through a lot more than we could ever imagine. Imagine reaching superstardom, getting married (TWICE!), getting pregnant (TWICE!), hitting depression, shaving your head bald, going crazy and making a comeback before even hitting 27! That's a lot to go through for a human being and I do want to see her well. Afterall I have fond memories of singing to "Hit me baby one more time" in the shower in a hotel in San Francisco when I was 12. I remember listening to her on the radio there too (that was the time her single first came out and everyone thought she was a black woman). You know how a certain song reminds you of a certain place or a certain someone? Yeah, listening to Britney reminds me of SF. :P

So yeah, maybe I should start studying.

Uh-oh.

2008-11-02T21:48:00.003+08:00

Problem.

I think I've become a stalker. >__<

I just realised it a few minutes ago when I consciously searched for information on a particular someone. A particular someone that had nothing (well, almost nothing) to do with me.

This is incredibly embarassing to admit but I need to vent. I know my blog entries have been high on the emotional front these days but I guess this is the only outlet I have when I'm too tired to talk. I just want to vent. To no one in particular. I just want to say what's on my mind and not have to look at sympathetic, judgmental faces.

So this stalking thing, it's weird. In a way it shreds parts of my ego too. I feel like this person has won. That somehow this person had commanded my attention and gotten control of my emotions. In my head this person is selfish, intrusive and a threat. A negative perspective that slowly grown because of the restrictions this person has caused me to endure. I don't hate. I could never hate someone I've not met. But let's just say I'm not particularly fond of this person. It sickens me that someone that means nothing to me, could mess with my mind like this. And you know what's worst? I have now become a low-life stalker. Who has exams looming! Hello!!

Oh well, what's done is done. I shall bow my head in shame for being such a woman. Assuming that the constant NEED to know is a womanly trait. Correct me if I'm wrong. My inner feminist would rather it be a normal human trait.

So yes, after the stalking I am now conflicted. Because this person is actually nice. HAH. So what am I to do? This throws me off balance. So do I continue disliking this person or do I (god forbid) empathise and continue to let this person run and dictate my life (well a portion of it, I'm not so pathetic).

Sigh.

This leaves me to wonder, are our lives so intertwined that my actions today might actually affect yours? Just like how this person's action affected my life without knowing what it costed me? It's like in the book "The Five People You Meet In Heaven". Now I just hope this doesn't screw my life so bad that I'll have to meet this person in heaven for closure. -___-

It's funny that this blog entry is about a person I know so little about and have not met. It's funny how a person so insignificant to me can have such a huge impact on my emotions. I wonder about this person so often. If things were different, would we be able to get along? Will we actually like each other? Can we actually be friends?

But the fact is that we're standing on seperate ends on a path that only one can take.

One thing I hate about myself is that I empathise too much. I read that it's a Piscesean quality but man, it has got me in so many melodramtic situations (created by others and FUELED by my empathy). Wtf right? -__- But I can't help it. I am naturally drawn to the plight of others (even when they're not asking for my help). I feel the constant need to protect and to care. Maybe I'm just a busy-body nosy poker that doesn't know her place but yes, this is a bad habit and one I cannot stop. I am drawn to people's pain and I feel the need to alleviate some of that by doing something. And from this person, I feel the pain and hurt and the betrayal and the confusion. I feel the need to cling on to hope, the promises and the beautiful memories that were created. I feel the emptiness and the struggle to climb back up from total darkness.

I am sorry. And I hope that you will be better and will one day live a life that is filled with colours and happiness. Because you deserve that.

Nice people do.

Because I can't see that far ahead.

2008-10-30T19:12:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I know what I'm doing.

Most of the time I think I do. But some days I'm totally and utterly lost.

Today, I'm lost.

I feel totally disconnected with all the decisions I've made. Things just didn't make sense. It didn't fit what I thought was a perfect puzzle. My instincts tell me something is wrong. Suddenly, I don't know what I want anymore.

I have no idea what lies ahead in the future. For now, it looks bad.

Really bad.

What to do?

2008-10-06T01:30:00.003+08:00

I take a deep breath.

And I'm holding it in. Time stops. I'm in my safe place. One where there need not be decisions made, one where no action must be taken. This reminds me of a book I read. I think it was one of the stories in the Chronicles of Narnia, where this boy (or was it a girl?) was transported into a realm that was like a rest stop between worlds. It was a forest that had many many pools, each representing a different world. I remembered that it sounded like such a peaceful and enchanted place. I feel like I'm there. Just waiting for my time, ignoring what all the nay sayers have been saying. Not believing, not caring because I don't have to yet.

But I cross my fingers.

Even if I don't know what it actually means. Why do people cross fingers anyway? What does it symbolises? What does it actually do? But I do it anyway because I watch too much tv and it has become something you do when you're wishing for something to go your way. If this goes my way, I'll probably be the happiest person on earth. But if it doesn't, what does it mean? What does it mean? I still don't know. Or maybe I don't want to know. Will I have to do what I've been dreading the most? Will I be strong enough to do it? Or am I really just overreacting? I don't know.

I want to hold my breath forever.

Don't exhale.

I'm scared.

2008-09-30T05:10:00.002+08:00

"That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the doors, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are." [Excerpt from Paulo Coelho's The Zahir]

Must it come to this?

I hate this sinking feeling in my stomach.

I wish I could just have an answer so I'll know what to do.

But I'm also afraid of what that answer might be.

I'm afraid I'll break.

I hate this sinking feeling in my stomach.

I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.

:(

Last assignment. Ever.

2008-09-25T21:05:00.002+08:00

And so I'm sipping on a glass of OJ.

It dawns upon me that I have one (satu, yi, uno) last assignment to hand in. My final assignment ever. Which means that I won't have to do another school assignment until I..well go to school again.

XD

It makes me very happy and I feel somewhat liberated.

This entire week and last has been so stressful and emotional for me. I thought I couldn't handle it and was about to break admist all the work pile and emotional conflict but I'm proud to say that I made it out unscath and somehow managed to get my life back on track. I think I can say that I'm in control now.

I even made time to go for class. Which is a huge feat and a rare display of discipline on my part if I have to say so myself. It may not seem much to anyone but for me, I've made myself proud. It's not easy fighting inner demons and taking control of things when you're vunerable and want to give up. I guess I had a lot of help in a form of a ear called Kenny. :)

Thank you for never pushing me away when I call. Thank you for giving me sound and solid advice. Thank you for always catching me when I fall. Thank you for being such an amazing friend.

There is just so much on my mind right now and there are so many feelings I'm trying to suppress. For now I'm going to go by the rule of "ignorance is bliss" and just keep my focus on what I know as my impending doom - exams. Barely one month from my first paper. >__<

You know what, I can't wait to start studying.

Alright back to that final assignment.

Wish me luck.

Nightmares

2008-09-22T04:21:00.002+08:00

I've been having nightmares.

Infact I just woke up from one. >__<

They range from the "horror movie-esque" killer garden gnomes and vicious little creatures to more real and painful situations that jolt me up in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes.

Besides interrupting my much needed sleep, these nightmares have been making me feel reserved, scared, paranoid and vunerable. I feel like regressing from a lot of things and just stay at home in my little room. Instead of grasping for things out of my reach, I feel like just giving up and sink into wherever darkness may lead.

I hate these dreams and they ideas they give me. They are so real and they're probably making me more insecure than I should be. I hate feeling insecure. It turns me into a person I don't want to be. My confidence plummets. I feel pathetic, weak and lousy.

The funny thing is, I don't usually have dreams when I sleep. Now they come in droves, every night, all bad and vile. And you can't cover your eyes when you dream. Everything is right in your face.

I just ate a cupcake to calm myself down and to cheer myself up. Perhaps something sweet will give me better dreams. Or did I get it wrong? Does sugar give you nightmares?

I need a hug. :(

Drama Free! It has to be!

2008-09-21T22:38:00.002+08:00

This month and the next will be drama free.

I insist! I insist! I insist!

So everyone, take note, if you have any drama in your life and wish to unload on someone, Amelia's not at home.

Now before you get all touchy and think I don't care about you, let me explain.

This month and next, I will be extremely busy with assignments and then my finals. Yes, this time when I say I'm having my final exams, it will literally mean that it will be the last exams I'll ever take. At least until I'm crazy enough to enrol in another course again. Which won't happen anytime in the near future me thinks.

So yes. I need to focus. I need to not care about anything else except this. This one final hurdle that I just can't afford to mess up.

I think I owe myself that much.

So please forgive me if I'm distant or cold or nonchalant about anything and everything. It's really because I don't bloody care. I may not even love you that much during this time. Don't take it personally. It's just priorities, y'know.

6th of November will be the last day of my university life.

I promise I'll love everyone again. :)

Wish me luck my sayangs!

The bubble burst?

2008-09-19T07:05:00.006+08:00

Perhaps some things are really too good to be true.

Why do people take the plunge when they know that it's not good for them? Is it wise to throw caution in the air because it felt right at that moment? Why do they choose to blind themselves from the glaring warning signs based on a hint of faith? Live for today, worry tomorrow?

I always wonder how people do it. Carpe Diem! Seize the day! It all sounds so brave and so optimistic. Like actions have no consequences. Like second thoughts are a waste of time.

Did I see this coming? Perhaps. What I probably didn't expect was that it would affect me that much. I guess the hole I dug was deeper than I thought.

The question is, can I still handle this? Or am I changing and bending myself too much to compromise? And why am I compromising again? Or rather, what exactly am I compromising?

And this feeling is all too familiar. Hurt. Pain. That tugging feeling at the heart that I do not miss. That feeling that will eventually launch me into making decisions I don't want to make and become the person I don't want to be. But I have to set things right. For myself. Because I know what I want.

It's funny how one can set a list of criteria and know what they want and end up putting up with the exact opposite because things just happen. In a way, it's beautiful, how things are unplanned and how they fall into place. But after awhile, reality kicks in and you're stuck in a place you don't want to be.

I am so scared. Because I am going to make myself a choice. And I'm afraid that I won't be favoured. This is the first time I've ever felt like this. A choice.

Pick me.

The REAL Benny Hill Chase.

2008-09-12T04:04:00.003+08:00

Something to tickle your tummy.

So I was doing my nightly routine of browsing through Malaysia Today to get my dose of crazy Malaysian politics and I came across this blog entry.

*click here*

And it reminded me of this.

XD

How's that for a classic. The theme song gets to me everytime.

*guffaws and wipes away tears*

Because I got tagged.

2008-09-10T01:33:00.004+08:00

Because I got tagged.

Rules :

1. Each player of this game starts off with 15 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself.

2. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 15 weird things/habits/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly.

3. At the end, you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names.

4. No tags back!!

Alrighty, here goes.

1) When I eat Gummy Bears, I like to start by chewing off both ears first. Then I'll eat off it's limbs one by one before decapitating it's head. It makes me feel powerful.

2) I use to steal Sailormoon card stickers at Toy'r'us by emptying a few packets to put in one packet that I will then pay for. I was 9 and didn't know it was a wrong thing to do.

3) I like doodling on people and watch them react.

4) I can now self-induce a burp anytime, anywhere when I couldn't before. This was achieved through sheer determination and training through a phone call during the last World Cup. Credit goes to Zharif.

5) I prayed to God to make me a ninja after watching the Karate Kid.

6) I like watching rain trickle down my car window from the inside because they look like sperms.

7) I do a weird twitch/pout thing with my mouth when I try on clothes and look at my reflection in the mirror.

8) I tend to twirl my hair when I'm thinking or when my hands are idle.

9) I cannot live without rice. Dishes without rice are meaningless. Rice just packs in the UMPHH!

10) My right feet is larger than my left.

11) I talk to my bolster when I feel lonely.

12) I'd be the happiest person on earth if I could get my hands on the full set of My Little Pony merchandise.

13) I love the scent of morning dew even if it activates my sinus problems.

14) I like being gross. :D

15) I wish life was like a cartoon.

People I tag:
Karen Marie
Kenny
Selene
Aida
Jessica
Kathryn
Christopher
Joshua
Edmund
Phan Shean

(I have no idea who still reads my blog so to all you people who still do, feel free to feel tagged!)

This is a crazy place we live in.

2008-08-24T23:35:00.005+08:00

Najib, a Hindu?

Seriously, Malaysian politics is really at its best. Best in terms of entertainment value. In a span of 5 months, Malaysians are now well-versed in a few terms.

1) Demonstration
2) Statutory Declaration
3) Sodomy

What a way to expand our vocabulory. These are the magical words in Malaysia today.

Watching our politics unfold is almost like watching a 'who-did-it' drama series, if not better. We have SDs flying around, countless of bloggers being arrested and released, a DPM who likes bombing Mongolian models with C4s, a Prime Minister who thinks a person's DNA changes after 10 years and an alleged sodomite trying to take over the government.

Drama sial. If all that didn't reflect how screwed up our country is, it'd be really funny.

And now we have another SD saying that Najib's a Hindu.

Why do I have a feeling that we Malaysians are being mindfucked? I don't know what or who to believe in anymore.

Can everyone just kiss and make up and run the country already?

This university student here is worried about the crazy inflation that's shrinking the size of her allowance thus shrinking the size of her shoppings.

How about dealing with that?

My my, 3 blog entries in a day. I'm on a roll. I just remembered that I want to complain about the rising inflation but I think I'll leave that to another day eh?

Issues, issues, national issues.

2008-08-24T15:10:00.004+08:00

On the UiTM issue.

*click here*

One question. Why will this institution have no qualms accepting international students but would strongly deny acceptance to Malaysians?

I saw a picture in the newspaper today, of these bigots picketing with signs that say "We're not racist. We're activist. Preserving our rights!"

Really now? Are you sure you're not racist? Then why accept foreign students but not one of your own? Because they check the Chinese, Indian and Lain-Lain boxes in application forms?

Is a 10% quota for non-bumis too much? It is bad enough that we have to live with the derogatory term of being labelled as non-bumis but to be denied the rights to enter a government institution (which prime purpose would be to serve all deserving Malaysians) is just something that perplexes me. To ignore the fact that there are poor Chinese and Indian people is ridiculous. Yes, the number of poor Malay and indigenous people still far outnumber the non-bumis but that is because 70% of this country is populated by the bumis. Poor people are poor people. Regardless of race or creed. The fact that UiTM is one of the cheapest local university should help provide the necessary education for our people. And when I say our people, I'm not just refering to the Chinese. Our people are the Malaysian people. When will these people get it into their thick skull?

In a world that is becoming truly globalised, a mono-ethnic institution will lose out. Being constantly defensive of your "rights" makes no room for intellectual discourse. How will your mind grow and expand if you are forever stuck in your little realm focused on your petty little agenda?

It saddens me deeply to see such opposition and dogmatism from my peers. Let's not even talk about the old farts in politics. Afterall, racism should be an issue of the past. But to see these "so-called" university students championing a cause that is obviously racist scares me. Will there be no difference in the leaders of tomorrow?

I am really sick of these issues that plague our country.

Grateful

2008-08-24T02:49:00.006+08:00

That feeling that bubbles over.

If I could name one achievement that I'm really proud of in my life, it would be the friends I've made.

Maybe I'm a good judge of character or I could be just lucky, but whatever it is, I am so so grateful.

I often catch myself lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, reminiscing about my past. How I came to be the person I am today and the people that have influenced me and moulded me to me. It wasn't always pleasant and pretty I admit. People have their flaws. But there is a reason that these people are still with me today and I cannot imagine life without them.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about this. Like today. I just came back from a mamak session with Chenn and I haven't seen her or talked to her in awhile. I've missed her. More than I realised. Sitting there talking to her and have her understand me and get me makes me extremely grateful to know that I call this beautiful woman here, my best friend. The pride it gives me, the sheer joy, just bubbles over and it makes me wanna lunge at her and hug her. Okay maybe that sounded a little (or a lot) scary and queer. >__< But my point is that I will take a bullet for this girl and whomever that hurts her will incur my hideous wrath. I love my best friend. A lot.

Then there's Pui Yee, who's flying off to UK in less than a month. The thought of her leaving hasn't really sunk in yet. Perhaps I've always took it for granted that she'll be here for a long long time. I still remember the pact we made when we were naive 15 year olds selling bumper stickers for our Leo Club project at KLCC. We were sitting at 1901 pondering about live and wondering if we'd still be best friends in 10 years. It's been 7 years since that pact was made. In that 7 years, we've laughed and cried and hurt and loved and screamed at each other's faces. But mostly importantly, after 7 years, she's still my best friend. And I'm pretty certain, 3 years later we'll be able to fulfil that promise we've made as naive 15 year olds. I know that I'll miss her a lot when she's away. I'll miss her spunk, her sarcasm, her wittiness and her stories. I love my best friend. A lot.

And how could I forget Kenny? The one person who've been a great influence during my college years. The person who I dare say played a crucial role in making me the person I am today. Kenny showed me what was unconditional love. Something that I thought could only happen between parent and child. Something that I thought was only seen in the movies. But Kenny, he knew what love was and he knew how to love. When we were in a relationship, people constantly told me how lucky I was to be with a guy like him. I was. I am. Because after all that we've been through, after all that I've put him through, he is still around. He is still my best friend. Amazing isn't it. I'm very aware that what I have is rare and trust me when I say I do appreciate it. So very much. I love my best friend. A lot.

And I almost forgot my Spazzy poo. A-Level partner-in-crime. Gosh, I'm so blessed to have all these wonderful people around me. *gloat gloat* This girl who is so far far away but still remains close at heart. This crazy person who woke me up to tell me she went to Sydney again. This fun loving soul that always makes me laugh. This ray of sunshine that just makes any day fun. The best friend who never fails to care or tell me she loves me even though she's a few hundred miles away. I love my best friend. A lot.

I guess I must have done something right to deserve this. Either that or God loves me a lot.

:)

And yes, I'm so sentimental it's sickening. At least the hormones are happy this time. :P

Water Polo

2008-08-22T22:15:00.006+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I was flipping through the Olympics channel and water polo was on. Now, I've heard of water polo but I've never actually seen it being played. To my surprised, it's a very agile sport that involved very yummy looking macho men in a bonnet. Yes, the one in the picture above. Now I'm sure water polo is a very respectable sport and it's been around for awhile but I just can't take it seriously as a sport. Not with the headgear. Everytime I watch these macho looking men, looking very competitive and serious in their bonnets I just burst out in fits of laughter. It looks like something out of MadTv or funnyordie.com.

"Yarghhhh I'mma mean water polo machine in a baby bonnet!"

How can you look at this and not laugh you tell me? It just looks so "salah"! Those pecs and that bonnet. Cannot tahan lah! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! *falls off chair*

Man, I love watching the Olympics. *wipes off tears*

Random thoughts that spurred the blogging itch.

2008-08-04T00:26:00.006+08:00

My brain has been thinking a lot lately.

On the issue of tolerance

While people say that trust is the backbone to all relationships, I actually think that tolerance is what keeps the ship afloat. Can you imagine a relationship without tolerance? Imagine a freaking mess. Drama, drama, drama. Because everyone wants things to go their way. While I'm all for promoting individuality, too much of it can be incredibly annoying. Being stuck with people who are stubborn and uncompromising really makes me want to tear my hair out (or theirs). While I try to remain patient and non-confrontational, sometimes I really want to scream in their faces, drenching them with verbal spray and then cup their cheeks with my hands while smiling pitifully at them while mouthing the words "GROW UP BITCH".

But I can't do it. Because I'm non-confrontational. And when I do feel confrontational my stupid brain always manifests these sick and insane reasons and logic forcing me to understand that all human beings are flawed. And from this, I will proceed to reason with myself that it's not their fault for being such a jerk or an asshole. They can't help it. And if I'm able to see through this, then I should act like the more mature person and just shut up and tolerate.

But keeping things in makes you mad and one day you will pop. I've tolerated a lot of shit in the past and I've popped a few times. I'm still tolerating some shit and I'm only doing it because no one is doing it. It's really not because I'm the mature one. It's because if I don't tolerate, then there'll be a huge explosion and nothing left. I really don't have a choice.

Sometimes I ask to no one in particular, "Why is it so hard being a nice person?". I usually don't get an answer.

......sometimes I really want to slap them too.

On the issue of friendship

I consider myself a very blessed person. I have great friends. Friends whom I know will remain loyal to me as long as I live. Friends that I know I can trust with my life. Friends that will always have my back. Friends that will always be happy and glad to see me. These friends can sometimes be annoying. They can sometimes get on my nerve. They can sometimes make me feel like bitching about them. They can also sometimes make me wish I was on an island..alone. But they also make me laugh the loudest. And they are the ones I want to share all my good and bad news with. They are the first people I think about when I want to hang out. They gave me some of the bestest memories I've ever had. And most of all, they taught me how to care and love in a way I never knew I could. My friendship with these people have constantly mould me into a better and wiser person. There is always something to learn. And I've learnt a lot.

The most precious thing I've learnt from them is this. Once you've forge a great friendship with someone, it can cross mountains and oceans, and though far apart, things always falls back into place when you're sitting across each other over coffee. Like you've never parted. Not a single second. :)

On the issue of love

How do you know when you love someone? How do you tell mere infatuation or a crush from the real deal? Do you just know or are you suppose to get the whole butterfly in the stomach and the not sleeping, not eating, not pooping, pure obsessing about him 24/7 thing?

I think there is kind of someone like that in my life right now. Let's just say that things aren't exactly how people might expect them to be. Though incredibly complicated it's feels like one of the easiest thing to do. Because I'm really doing the only thing I know how to do. Love. Care. And be happy. And oh my goodness, I've been so so happy I didn't even think it was possible. Not under these circumstances at least. But I am.

But I'm also afraid and scared shitless sometimes. Because it is so real and yet it is so surreal. It's like I'm stuck in a realm between reality and fantasy. And when I'm really scared, I feel like drawing back into thinking that this is all a dream. The vagueness of the situation clouds my mind and sometimes I really think I have no idea what I'm doing. And then I'll proceed to think that I'm crazy for going through with something like this. And then he'll appear. And I'll be happy.

And suddenly everything makes sense.

On the issue of self-discovery

Come November, I will take my final bow and be released from the clutches of tertiary education (that is, if I pass all of my exams). As excited as I am about not having to sit for exams ever again and be done with thick and outrageously expensive texts, I am scared of climbing one step higher into the "next phase". So scared, all I want to do is crawl back into my mother's womb and never come out. While I now still have my ambitions and dreams, I'm afraid that once I leave this phase - where I'm still learning and where it is still okay to make mistakes, that I'll lose sight of all that I've ever wanted once I become part of the system. It is the system that I fear. Where a person rushes to graduate, finds a job and become a drone of the corporate world that brainwashes you with ideas of grandeur that are mere hollow ideas that will leave you empty when you're a 70 year old with no teeth.

Being brought up in an Asian country where the Asian culture and values are what made the system, I am subjected to this fate. Everything that I did, I did it for someone else. I did it for family. I did it for honour. I did it because I had to. Because if I didn't, I would not be able to live it down. Chasing after my dreams will have to come later. But right now, I have to do what is expected of me.

But I was not forced into this. I technically had a choice. But being the person I am, I might as well had none. Deep down, I want to do this. Is this a sense of obligation? Perhaps. Or maybe it's gratitute or being filial. I think it is out of love. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make because in the scheme of things, it is a very paltry form of it.

I am still however hoping to one day escape the system and to make my own life in a way that I can be proud of.

I have a lot of faith.

On the issue of patriotism

I went to Australia during the winter break. I was there for 20 days. 15 days in Melbourne and 5 days in Sydney. Being there on my own was truly a great experience. Being in a strange foreign place, gave me a diferent perspective on things. A lot of things. For one, the weather was cold and dry and my skin was happy. Not a hint of oil. My face was oil-free for 20 days. I was a happy girl. And then, you could literally walk anywhere. I have never walked so much in my entire life. I have never had so many blisters on my feet in my entire life. YES. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Being in Australia, made me itch to travel more. Being constantly surprised by things and learning of things you've never known, makes you feel like you know NOTHING about the world. There is constantly so many things to learn about and to see for yourself. You pick up little things along the way. And these will stay with you forever.

Most of all, being away from home, makes you love it even more. I realise that during my time in Australia, I was constantly comparing it to Malaysia. Constantly thinking of ways to improve it but never once the thought to leave it or to no longer call it home. And being in a place where everything looked and sounded so foreign I finally understood the meaning of home.

It is that sense of belonging. Knowing that it belongs to you and you belong there. Where the connection is automatic and there is no need for you to even try to adapt. It's all natural. It just fits.

I haven't travelled that extensively, but I'm pretty certain that no place would even come close to feeling like home.

On the issue of not updating since David Archuleta lost

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT ARCHIE LOST?! Come on....that David What'shisname wasn't even that great to begin with. And that winning song sounded so sissy. And what is wrong with the world today? How can a band like the Jonas Brothers be one of the hottest boybands in America? Seriously? How can people even listen to all that whining and screeching? How can radio stations be so cruel by playing it so damn often on the radio?!

Okay I haven't been blogging in almost 3 months and so much has happened and so much has changed. I have changed. I guess in some ways I'm quite different from who I was 3 months ago. I have more responsibilities, I have more commitments, I'm a lot more disciplined, I'm trying to be more determined and all these have been making me feel a whole lot better about myself. Even if I did get a horrible hair cut again. But the most important thing is that I've been very positive lately and I really like this.

Sing Yieng came back with me from Australia. This time we got to spend more time together and it really reminded me of how it was when she was around all the time. Being with her in Australia and being with her back home made me realise how much I've missed her company. And as I write this, she's probably watching some movie on the airplane or dozing off in her seat. She's always such a joy to have around and it makes me very happy to know that after 3 years of being constantly apart, nothing has changed. That best friends do remain best friends no matter where you are. :)

Who knew so much could happen in 3 months. :)

The good ol' days.

2008-05-21T19:13:00.004+08:00

David Archuleta for the win!!

Besides being so awfully cute I want to gobble him up, Archuleta has one of the most melodic voices I've ever heard. He was the first I noticed in the competition and to be honest, as much as this season was raved to have the most talented bunch ever, most of the time I was bored and just couldn't really be bothered to watch. But I always drawn to David, clapping my hands and smiling with glee like a high school girl with a crush every time it was his turn to sing. I love the way his eyes go all dreamy when he belts those ballads and how adorable he looks when he's being nervous when hearing what the judges have to say. I even find the "hidung kembang" thing he does with his nose endearing. HAHAHAHA. OMG, I'm crushing on a 17 year old. -__-

A few days ago, Phan Shean gave me the greatest gift ever. A link to my old blog's archives. SALTEDPICKLES! I thought it was wiped out after years of neglect by blog-city but apparently there's this site that records old sites or something. Bottomline is, I got my old blog back! All the memories and records of my rambling as a teenager that I thought was lost forever! Reading through those entries made me feel so nostalgic. I blogged about failing my driving test (yes, I failed, don't laugh), I blogged about driving for the first time, I blogged about LEO, I blogged about that Valentine's Day prank my parents pulled on me, I blogged about love and wondered when it'll be my turn, and I blogged a little too much about exams and tests. I was such a nerd. I can't believe I thought SPM was like the biggest thing on earth and that if I did badly, my life would be over. -____-

But it's great to be able to peek into the mind of 17 year old Amelia. I was so young and so naive and so enthusiastic about everything. And although I cringed quite a bit reading what I wrote (because I can be quite cheesy and retarded) that day was one of the happiest days of my life. XD So thank you Phanny for making my day. Your 17 year old misai made me laughed till my belly hurt. Thank goodness you've finally realised what razors are for. XP

It's great to be reminded of who I was back then. I may have changed and matured a lot over the 5 years but I'm proud to say that at the very core, I'm still pretty much the same person. And I think blogs and diaries are a great way to keep you in check, to remind you of who you are and what you want to be. Reading about my aspirations and dreams back then made me remember a lot of things I've forgot and lost touch with. I think having these etched permanently somewhere helps motivates the drive to pursue these dreams when things start to fizzle out. All you gotta do is just go back to archrives and listen to your own advice.

Brilliant, I say. X)

Living in a dream

2008-05-17T05:55:00.004+08:00

Dreams. Nice, wonderful, lovely dreams.

They slip mysteriously into your sleeping mind, creating an illusion of a different world. At the point where you're no longer conscious in the present world, it is as if your entire being is magically transported into another realm. A realm where the bizarre makes sense, a place where the impossible can happen, a meeting point for kindred spirits scattered all over the world. My dreams usually consists of people I don't know. A vague face whom I'll never remember but always, always these strangers play such a big part in my dreams. Sometimes I wonder, if these people are real. Who are they? And sometimes I wonder, if they are indeed real, do I appear in their dreams as well?

The past month or two feels like a dream. A long one. Come to think of it, I've been alternating between life and dream that I can't tell which is which anymore. But why should I care, if it has been making me happy? Must things always be crystal clear? Must there always be a definite answer for everything? Is it possible for us to be happy, not knowing yet surrendering ourselves to where the winds may take us?

For a person who constantly seeks answers and can't stand not knowing, I find myself surrendering. I'm giving my annoying conscience a rest, and this time I'm going with my heart and my instincts and I'm okay with not having answers. I'm okay with going with the flow of what feels right and good. I've never felt happier. x)

Yesterday was the day I've finally completed all my assignments for this semester. It's been an incredibly hectic two weeks but strangely as tough as it was, not once have I succumbed to the negativity that would usually consume me. And I know why. And I'm so so grateful.

But there is something I'm dreading. As they say, all good things come to an end and I'm hoping that this good thing doesn't have to end. But for now, I am going to focus on the present and bask in the joy it continues to bring me. Come what may for I am already truly blessed to have experience such a wonderful dream. And every day that it continues is an extra day to be grateful for.

x)

Uh oh..

2008-04-28T04:55:00.006+08:00

Okay.

So the dumb happiness I've been feeling is slowly dissipating and all I'm feeling right now is sheer panic and a very strong urge to fling myself over a tall tall building.

PROCRASTINATION IS EVIL!!

And yet everytime, even when I vow I wouldn't, I always succumb to it, leaving me completely dishevelled because I have little voices chanting "YOU'RE SCREWED!" over and over again in my head. x(

AND WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING HERE BLOGGING?!

All I can think of right now is a ballerina. Yes, a freaking ballerina. I'm imagining her prancing in front of me ever so gracefully on her tippy toes to the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber. You know, I was ALMOST a ballerina. I was almost the kid who went for piano class and art class. I was almost that little girl decked in pink with a tiara and fairy wings going for music/ballet/art class every Wednesday. Sometimes I wonder, MAYBE if I didn't cry so much as a kid, clawing at my mom's feet everytime she tried to send me to some extra co-curricular class (as if she was throwing me into the pits of hell), I would at least have a talent to call my own. Maybe I would have excelled in ballet, maybe I could've been a piano prodigy or maybe I could've been the next Da Vinci (Picasso is just a mess). The only thing I couldn't have been was a Math genius. Hmm...I wonder, if things were different then, would I be a different Amelia? Would I be a snotty, uptight perfectionist instead of being the girl who's as flexible as wood, who has the most uncoordinated fingers EVER and who's best drawing to date is a Fauwer?

Sometimes I even wonder if I'm suppose to go so far in my education. What is this Degree anyway? Who am I kidding? Business isn't me. Accounting and Finance isn't my passion. Why am I doing this? I have a 2000 word essay on Accounting Issues and I've been finding the ability to sleep even more as the assignment due date draws closer. Just yesterday I manage to sleep throughout the entire day when I should be doing my assignment. I don't even usually sleep that much. Is this my inner self protesting? Okay lah, I know I'm procrastinating and being lazy but I have zero interest in what I do. I'm just ploughing my way through, hoping that maybe at the end, I can find a place for myself in this.

Granted life isn't perfect. There will be times where you have to do what you don't want to do but I swear the next time I'm taking up anything, be it an exam, a course or a cause it will be because I want to do it and not because I have to.

OMG AMELIA QUIT THE YAPPING!! YOU HAVE A 2000 WORD ASSIGNMENT TO COMPLETE BY TUESDAY YOU IDIOT!!!

*FROTHS AND DIES*

A change of pace..

2008-04-24T14:06:00.002+08:00

Upwards.

That is how things have been going lately. I guess it's true when they say that after a horrible spell of shitty days, things will have no choice but to get better. Because things definitely have been looking up and everything is moving at such a fast pace. Days just go by without notice and I've been pre-occupied with so many positive things happening in my life that I hadn't notice that I've been extremely happy and contented with life for this short period of time. I only noticed this change when I had nothing to get emotional about when I was supposed to be having my PMS. A PMS-less month. Woah. That is pretty amazing.

I'm whole-heartedly welcoming this change of pace. And may it stay for awhile, or a long long time to come (trying not to jinx it).

Birthdays came and went, and I'm so not kidding when I say I'm so so awfully broke right now. So broke that I'm having Strawberry Rocky Sticks for lunch. >__< But if it means making the people I love happy, I'm willing to eat Rocky Sticks for lunch over and over (I think...).

I'm feeling dumb happy right now.

I have no idea why. I'm sitting here on the 2nd floor of my library. Everything looks dull and grey. The A/C is on at full blast and I'm freezing my ass off here. I also need to pee real bad but I can't be arsed to walk to the toilet. All these and I'm still feeling dumb happy.

I have assignments due on the 3oth, 2nd, 9th and 16th, I'm freaked out and stressed, but I'm dumb happy. *goofy smile*

Perhaps it's all these additions in my life. Things that appeared and happened when I least expect it. Old pictures I stumbled upon, nice things that were said, strengthened relationships with people I love and friendships that were unintentionally forged. New activities that gives me more options to choose from when I have a day off and a new person that have became very dear to me. I guess with all these things happening right now, I have no choice but to be dumb happy. XD

Oh, I'm so happy I feel like listing out things that have been making me feel so good lately. What the heck right, might as well. XD I have all this free time to kill anyway.

My new pink, purple and black tights
My new uber cool water bottle with inverted tree patterns (I'll take a picture of it soon)
Wearing my new dress to Chenn's 22nd Birthday Dinner
The crazy clown guy at Kenny's 22nd Birthday Dinner at Bora Asmara
Having dinner at William's with my darling cousins
Hanging out with my cousins a whole lot more (even though they constantly make fun of my height and call me Frodinia, I still love them to bits)
John Legend's "PDA (We just don't care)" and "Save Room"
Wearing tudungs on Skype with Phan Shean
"Happy 6am" chats with Garth
The name Balrog
My toes
Papa patting me on the head and making me egg sandwiches for breakfast
Watching my mama being silly and singing nonsense.
Raymond swapping his curry laksa for my wantan mee because I wanted his curry laksa instead
The "Curry Tits" joke
Venus greeting me by wiping her eye goo all over my jeans everytime I come back
Fauwers
Fly in pink tutu
My new vintage dress!!
Hugging a very warm and tipsy Chenn Chenn
Knowing Shan tried to call me from Germany (though I wasn't at home)
Reuniting with old friends
Talking donkey with Andrew - "Hee haw!"
Honey Dew Flavoured Bubble Milk Tea
Passing out after a long day in uni
Watching the rain fall on the car windows from the inside
Painting my nails
Freshly printed notes
Finding a vacant computer in the library computer lab
Counter lady smiling at me and commenting on my love for Rocky Sticks -__-
Running in the rain
Feeling loved <3

Sigh. *smiles*

Time to pee.

Tarra!

There are days...

2008-04-07T19:50:00.003+08:00

There are days when you feel like disappearing off the face of the earth.

Today is that day.

Maybe I saw it coming when I was writing about how ugly the world can be. All this constant negativity and exposure to ugly deeds consumes a person. Even just talking about it shrouds you with a negative aura, like a black cloud hovering above your head. It eats its way into you and before you know it, you blow.

To be standing there, watching it all happen, kills me. To feel so helpless, so embarassed, so angry and so confused. I just want to give up and leave. I want to be as far away as possible from it all. Before it consumes me.

I don't know what to do and I don't want to do anything.

The ugly world.

2008-04-07T01:41:00.002+08:00

The ugly world we live in.

Sometimes even I have to admit that we live in a world that is bordering on self-destruction. And that's coming from me. A person who believes in the goodness of men, a person who tries to see the positive side in everyone, a person who truly believes that there is a good person in every individual. So often my faith and optimism in the goodness of humanity has frustrated my friends. They think I'm being naive, gulliable and they worry that I may one day be hurt by those whom I choose to see in a good light.

But no matter how much I believe in the goodness of people, I do know that there are ugly things happening around us. In recent years, I've been exposed to so many things that challenged my belief. Never would I have thought that ugly could be so ugly. Till this day, I still cannot comprehend how a person could do such vile selfish things.

I cannot comprehend how a father can abandon his children. I cannot comprehend how a boyfriend can deliberately break the soul of the girlfriend he supposedly loved, I cannot comprehend how a brother can betray the trust of his siblings, I cannot comprehend how anyone could proceed with a decision knowing that it WILL hurt so many. I cannot comprehend how a person can manipulate and take advantage of a friend.

On the topic of cheating, of adultery, of betrayal. It is true that you do not choose who you fall for. It is also true that you cannot help who you fall in love with. Love is a weird inexplicable thing. Love just happens. BUT you can choose whether to act on those feelings. This is what differentiates a good person from a bad one. One can argue that, just because a person cheats, it does not mean that that person is a bad person. But then again, how do you define a person who hurts others on a massive scale just for their selfish needs? If there is repentance, then maybe there can be forgiveness but what if there is none?

I can only pray for these people to realise their mistakes. I know prayer is the right thing to do but sometimes I just wish I could gather all them uglies, toss them into a huge ass cauldron and pour boiling water on them.

I still believe in the goodness of men. I do. I really do.

Parasite?

2008-04-05T11:54:00.003+08:00

I'm going through a phase.

A weird inexplicable one but a good one, I think. It's not one of those phases that make you dreary, down or depressed, infact this is one that I might want to keep around for awhile though it confuses the hell out of my little brain. I've been feeling a lot of emotions lately. The funny thing is, half of the things I feel are so random because NOTHING that is happening in my life would allow for such feelings to emerge. Because NOTHING is happening in my life. Yes, it gets like that sometimes. Life. You know.

So in a way, the things I'm feeling and the actual occurance in my life are pretty much disconnected. But the feelings are so real, like I almost deserve them. I can lie in bed and suddenly feel this surge of happiness, this lovey dovey feeling when I clearly have no one in my life right now. But the idea of love, the idea of having that special somone (though he doesn't exist) makes me conjure all these little scenarios and scenes that make me all warmed up feeling fuzzy and dizzy with emotion. Sometimes I even catch myself smiling like a goon to all these make believe situations. *slaps self*

This kind of reminds me of the time when I was little. I was an avid make believer. I had a great imagination. One only a child could be blessed with. I used to dream about being a princess, getting lost in the forest while searching for fire wood (wtf) and stumbling across my prince charming after I'm done prancing around and singing to the birds. It was so real that I can still remember the dialogues that were said, as if it really did happen. Okay so maybe I'm going to really regret revealing that little part of my history BUT MY POINT IS, that this feels oddly familiar and it's kind of nice.

Or maybe it's because I've been feeding off all these positive energy around me. Hearing my friends talk about their love life and seeing how happy they've becomed and how exciting the idea of being in love can be, maybe I somehow got sucked into the whole euphoria. I KNOW, this is so weird. HAHA. But it's surprisingly pleasant and really positive. Maybe it's the chick flicks too. XP

And before you start looking at me like a pitiful creature who's yearning for a love life, please do note that I'm blissfully happy being where I am. Just because I'm happy being single does not mean that I don't love the idea of love. I'm a closet romantic. Love is and will always be a top priority in my life. And seeing it happen all around me, makes me incredibly excited and happy. But I believe in fate and the wonderful way things fall perfectly into place when you least expect it. That is the magic of love. And I know well enough that it is not something I'm suppose to search or wait for, because then, the magic of it all will be lost.

I may have brought weird to a whole new different level. Haha.

Ugh.

2008-03-29T08:26:00.003+08:00

I hate needles.

That is what I found out yesterday at 12am. I've been feeling pretty horrible for the past 4 days. First it started off with a nagging headache that turned into sharp jabs at the back of the head and then my body started aching and I felt brief sharp pains at random parts of me. My arms, legs, neck, chest. Enough for me to know something was wrong. Then I had fever. My temperature read 38.8 and according to Kenny, 40 is when I get sent to the happy home. So I went to the doctor and was told to take meds, wait for two days to see if the fever subsides and if it did not, I had to take a blood test to rule out dengue fever.

Yesterday was day 3 and my fever subsided and I felt the best I've felt in the period which I've been sick. I haven't been eating much so I wasn't exactly Iron Woman. But when my mom woke me up near midnight to force me have something to eat, we saw that my entire body was dotted with rashes. Not exactly dengue-like rashes but still ALL OVER MY FREAKING BODY rashes.

UH-OH. That's where the needle came in. I went for a blood test at a 24 hour clinic. Truth be told I don't think I've ever had blood drawn out from me. Maybe as a baby but I couldn't have possibly remembered then (which is a good thing). The whole process wasn't exactly painful but seeing a needle stuck in my arm was pretty traumatic. And no one told me that it HURTS after the needle's out! My arm still hurts now and yes I'm being a baby. :( I'll be getting my results this morning. I sure hope it's nothing serious because I have an assignment due next Wednesday and I haven't done anything.

The rashes aren't looking very pleasant and it's kind of scary seeing something so foreign on your body. X(

*prays*

This mid semester break blows. Sigh.

Awwww

2008-03-24T23:04:00.003+08:00

Watch this kid sing!

Okay lah, so I'm totally pimping my baby cousin but biasness aside, I really do think he can sing. He's got the entire package - the good looks, the voice, the charm and he's a total sweetheart. XD Oh and he's a great cook too.

Video quality is kind of blur but I'm just too proud, I had to put it up. XD Awww..my bunnyhair boy is all grown up. *tear*

TEAM SEAN!!

The Burfday.

2008-03-22T02:49:00.019+08:00

Turning 22. Eep!!

And so, I turned 22 two days ago. Had a nice dinner with a few good friends at Italiannies. It was a pleasant affair, chowing down food and taking lots of pictures. When it was time for the cake, the staff made me stand on a chair and give a speech with a salt shaker. Very awkward for someone who hates the limelight. But it was all good fun. Look how awkward I look standing on that darn chair. Haha.

My girls. <3

Okay, I love how fabulous my hair looks in this picture. Look at the shine. Woot!

Has it been 4 years already? Our A-Level days seem like only yesterday. x)

Trust my besties to put me through such embarassing situations.

The boys showing me some lovin'! Haha! Andrew looks darn funny lah!

With the darling who made it all happen. Thank so much for doing this for me. Love you!

Guess who brought sexy back? Wahahahaha! XD

Thank you darlings for giving me the best present ever! I love love love it to bits. XD Will show you pictures of it soon. *ahem*

This is just an excuse to show off my dress. XD Sendhil's just a prop.

The peeps.

The birthday song.

I just want to say, thank you everyone for remembering this day. It is such a great feeling to have your inbox and facebook wall flooded with birthday messages. I felt the love. I really did. And knowing that all of you care for me and love me just strengthens my faith that I indeed have a place in this world. You remind me that I want to be a better friend and a better person and that there is meaning to this endeavour. And though a wise man would say that we should live life for ourselves, it is you people that make life worth living. I love each and everyone of you. *big fat slimy kissies*

Spot the wrinkle! x(

****************************************************************************************

Apparently my birthday was a very eventful day. It was a public holiday because it was Prophet Muhammad's birthday, it was also day where my Catholic friends had to attend mass, it was the day my dad dropped my cellphone into steaming hot chinese herbal soup and it was also the day that Venus decided to incorporate RAT into her diet. Ugh.

And because of the cellphone calamity, I have no pictures from the birthday lunch with my family at Jogoya. But I can tell you this, the buffet spread at Jogoya freaking tops. The sashimi is incredibly fresh and the variety of food is just awesome. It's such a shame that I have no pictures to show. x( I swear my phone still smells of soup.

When I came home from dinner, the family was in a buzz. All I heard was something along the lines of "Venus ate rat". UGH. I'll never look at her the same way again. How could she eat something so gross. It's fine that she ate a baby bird and my dad's kamikaze fish (because it jumped out of the tank into her belly) but a RAT?! YUCK! The way my mom described it was so funny though. Apparently right after she saw the tail sticking out of Venus's mouth, she went straight to the kitchen to fry eggs. HAHAHAHAHA. Before you think that it was some random thing my mom does, the eggs were actually to distract Venus from making the rat part of her digestive system. Something like a trade which happens a lot when we deal with her. By the time my mom came out with the eggs, my brother announced that Venus officially ate the rat. I don't get her, we feed her the best food and yet all that she craves for are the yuckiest thing you can think of. And the obsession over tissue paper! And rubbish. And other dog's poop. Sigh. Silly puppy.

Rat killer.

Wargh

2008-03-18T08:39:00.002+08:00

WARGH!

I just found out that my replacement class got cancelled. So here I am stuck in the freezing library with a growling stomach (because I rushed out without breakfast) feeling darn pissy that I woke up at 6.30am for nothing! WARGH!!!

People who know me well enough know that I sometimes SLEEP at 6.30am so it took a lot of determination and self control and manipulation to get myself to sleep at a certain hour and THEN wake up after a FEW hours sleep. Oh Nazim how I hate you now! "Sorry for the inconvenience" he says. How dare you exploit my determination to be a good student this year! T__T I feel bullied.

Now I'm waiting for Kenny to come pick me up for breakfast because I didn't drive to uni today. X(

I'm hungry. I'm going to die in the library and decompose and what's left of me will be donated to the new medical faculty.

Yes I know I'm being all dramatic but you can blame that on me being female and that bloody monthly process that allows you to be born into the world.

And you know what, I have the fugliest face and hair today. I have 3 massive pimples that WON'T go away and my hair just sucks. I was THIS close to not going for class. But then I thought better of it and just jammed a cap over my head.

I HATE TODAY!! HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!

Ish! Damn geram!

Random picture blog

2008-03-10T04:08:00.008+08:00

Because I think this blog desperately needs a picture of me...

Okay and because I haven't got to show you lot who don't see me often my new hair cut. x)

And one more, because I'm feeling a narcissistic tinge.

"Hello!"

Went to APT to get it cut by Sam my favourite stylist. I'm beginning to trust this guy more and more. He's brilliant. I wanted a biased cut bob, something like Rihanna's (yeah I know, I know, the streets are crawling with Rihanna spawns lately but it's the only cut I haven't experimented with!) but my hair wasn't long enough for it but he did it anyway! I was expecting a boring cut but Sam worked his magic hands and now I have the longish side thingy! Yay!

Also songs I've been totally hooked on these few days. I play them on repeat everyday and they sooth me, calm me and sometimes make me happy when I feel lonely. Here's my list.

Stop and Stare - One Republic
Come Home - One Republic
Mercy - Duffy
With You - Chris Brown
Stop This Train - John Mayer
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie
What Makes You Different - Backstreet Boys (I'm going to write about their concert, I swear)
Realize - Colbie Caillat
Cue The Sun - Daphne Loves Derby
You're the One - Tracy Chapman
Dare You To Move - Switchfoot
Across the Universe - Rufus Wainwright
Lost - Michael Buble

Also I've been having a childish fit lately. I've been filling my mind with many many selfish childish thoughts. I feel like a child that wants candy but can't because no one is offering her any. If anyone came to me with my "problems" I'll probably tell the person to get over it and grow up. There is more to life than candy. But right now I want candy and I'm bitter.

I went to Chris's blog and in his latest post, he left a quote he claims provided chicken soup for his soul. Well Chris, make that both of our souls because it really did help me realise what I missed out in the greater scheme of things. Sometimes we get so cooped up with our emotions, with what WE want, what WE think, what WE feel that we forget the basic lessons in life.

Let me share with all of you, this truly brilliant quote.

“Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you posses. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.” - Kent Nerburn

To withhold is to wither. How true. So I'm going to give in any way I can and care less for my harvest than for how it is shared. I'm going to remember that life is not about me, but how I treat the people around me, and I'm going to give my best to all that I love. This would be my promise to myself.

Screw the candy.

Power to the people!

2008-03-09T21:48:00.005+08:00

Makkal Sakthi indeed.

I never thought I would live to see this day. The day where Malaysians finally exercised the full extent of their political might and will. The day where we finally restored power to the people. I am so proud to be part of history in the making. I am so proud to be one of the contributing votes that made this change possible.

BN may have still won but it is the opposition that is victorious. This victory belongs to us. The people. With their 2/3 majority denied, we have now ensured that there will be more check and balance in our future administration. This was our goal, and we made it happen. x)

5 states falling into opposition hands, the big guns being ousted (about time and rightly so) and bloggers having a role to play in the parliament, these are all incredibly exciting news. I was following the polling results yesterday very closely, refreshing the Malaysia Kini page like a madwoman and it was such an emotional journey. I was happy and angry and then happy again and then really pissed off. It was an emotional roller coaster! Haha! It was an epic moment for all Malaysians and at the very end, I was so proud and ended up tearing to Winds of Change. XP

The opposition leaders called for zero celebration and true enough, as the good news came in, the streets were quiet and empty. There were fears of violence, of intolerance, of a repeat of the May 13th tragedy, but none of it could be heard on the streets. And though there were no signs or sounds, I could feel the excitement and the celebration of hope within. Perhaps, change CAN really happen without violence? We'll see.

One thing Malaysians ought to know by now - never trust your local media. Instead opt for the alternative media that has more guts and integrity to report the truth. The newspaper reported today that the opposition coalition managed such a victory by exploiting the anger of the Chinese and Indian minorities caused by the diminishing non-Malay rights. First off, exploiting? Seriously? Are they really going to depict Malaysians as a bunch of idiots with no brains? Stop undermining us and make us look like fools. And secondly, I didn't know we had non-Malay rights. *scratches head* Our local media needs to grow a spine.

I am also incredibly amazed by Badawi. He is either in great denial or he is a political idiot. My bet is that he is both. With such a big loss to the coalition party, one would think he would graciously step down to save himself some face. I really don't know what to think of him. You know what, I'm not going to think of him. At all.

To the many patriots that have been relentlessly fighting for this cause, I thank you. Without constantly seeing the fire burning so brightly in your souls, we would have never been so aware and so determined.

A new dawn for Malaysia. Who would've thought? x)

Because we need hope.

2008-03-05T01:15:00.004+08:00

HOPE.

With the election drawing so close, it is a word held close to all Malaysian hearts. A hope for change. A hope for a better Malaysia.

I've been refraining any form of contact with our local media. It makes me sick to see the shameless lies and fake smiles plastered on our local dailies. It makes me incredibly angry that these people actually think that Malaysians are non-thinking idiots who have no eyes, ears and minds of their own. Everytime I see that dark blue banner, with it accompanied by a smiling face of one who's suppose to service the people and defend all that is Malaysian, I can't help but feel that I'm looking at a traitor.

It is no secret who I'm voting for this coming elections. It'll be anyone but the current adminstration. With the election fever heating up, we see many talks being held by the opposition parties, promising many many things. While doubtful, we all remain hopeful and we look to these figures praying that they keep their word.

"But how do you know they aren't just saying all that to get the votes. They might be just as bad and they definitely have their own agenda."

Right now, I'm willing to listen to speeches and promises from people who haven't had the chance to deliver rather than listen to those who already had their chances, failed miserably and yet somehow miraculously developed a second skin so thick that they could actually think that people still look up to them as leaders.

And now the recent news of the Election Commission's decision to scrap the use of indelible ink just makes the need of wise voters much more crucial. Their reasoning? Apparently the use of indelible ink would disturb public order and security. You know, I'm not even going to comment on that.

50 years of oppression. I think it is time that we made a stand. It is time to save this country and allow the healing process to begin. We could be so great. We have the resources and the smarts. So WHY are we letting these dimwits run our future? Why are they even up there stealing from us right under our very noses? How on earth did we let this tyranny continue for half a century?

Year 2008 would mark the first time I would be able to vote and I am so proud that I will be able to take part in changing the course of our country to a better one.

It may be too late to register to vote, but if you know someone, anyone who have already registered and have never voted before, change their mind. This is the only right that we've been given. The only outlet for our voices to be heard. USE IT.

Empower yourself. If we can achieve this, we as a nation can do anything.

Vote wise, my brothers and sisters.

Rewind and fast forward...

2008-02-27T04:06:00.002+08:00

The Final Frontier?

Class starts tomorrow. This will mark the beginning of my final year as a student and I am so reluctant to walk my way to the start line for it all to begin.

I've never felt so much dread before and it's making me slightly emotional. It's making me slightly more stressed out than I should be. Maybe it's the negativity I've been surrounded by lately. It's making me take every single trivial matter to heart and I feel myself sinking into the pits.

I've been trying to make the best out of my holidays. The two months stint at EY has given me the opportunity to see myself functioning in a real working environment and to be honest, it wasn't very motivating. It's probably one of the reasons why I feel like crawling back into my mother's womb and start all over. I'm not ready to give up this freedom and it scares me that I'll have to hand it over real soon. The brighter side about the internship is that I managed to forge new friendships. I think that is the highlight of this entire experience. Knowing that I haven't lost the ability to make new friends, knowing that I'm still as likeable as I was during the yesteryears. Something I truly thought I have lost to being so jaded and tired of life. Holy crap! I'm only 21 and I'm talking like I've been through 5 decades of life. Something is truly wrong somewhere.

But I am at a stage where I feel extremely tired. Uncontented. I insisted on going to Penang for a short holiday thinking I would come back feeling rejuvenated and spunky but I still feel very hollow inside.

Now I'm hoping that the concert I'm going tomorrow will bring out the spunk in me. Yes, I'm going for the Backstreet Boys Unbreakable Tour concert tomorrow and I never thought I would be this excited. I was 11 or 12 when I first heard of them and going to this concert brought back so many memories. It's like pushing the rewind button. I'm so grateful for this. I desperately need to feel young again.

I feel like I'm in a time machine. Fast forward and rewind.

Now, what to wear?

I want food.

2008-02-13T20:55:00.002+08:00

I'm hungry!

So I'm at the evening portion of Day 1. Might seem like I've lasted quite a bit but truth be told that I woke up at 6pm today. Yes I have erratic sleeping behaviours, get off my back. So in 3 hours I had a huge apple and a bowl of salad. The apple was deliciously crunchy and the salad came with Thousand Island sauce. So I kinda lost the plot by adding the sauce in but the bowl of salad looked so naked and bare and it was totally begging to be covered in the cold tangy blanket of the sauce. And the bowl of salad came with croutons too which are not fruit nor veg but I added them in anyway because it would be really really sinful to throw away edible food. Small crumbs of bread at that! What would people in Africa think of me?!

My parents were enthusiastically stocking up fruits and salads in the fridge. My mom even hid all the chocs and snacks we had in there for safe measures. LOL.

I thought this would be easy breasy because I love fruits. But the moment my hand instinctively reached for the jar of cookies while I was watching American Idol, I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I almost walked over to the fridge to grab me a can of Milo after my salad.

And now, I'm waiting for Chenn to come by to fetch me to the mamak.

Pray for me. X)

Plan Schmlan!

2008-02-12T04:00:00.000+08:00

The Fruit Detox Thingy Plan.

It's time to take action. My face is almost stretching beyond its limits (horizontally that is). I look like a pufferfish now. Why must the fats ALWAYS go to my face first! Why not my boobs or my fingers or toes?! x(

Anyway, I'm going to try this Fruit Detox diet plan my friend mentioned to me a few years back. I've always wanted to try it out but I kept putting it off. It's going to be 3 days of just eating fruits (maybe some veg) and drinking pure fruit juice. It's supposed to cleanse the body of all its toxins so it's not just a diet but a body cleansing thingy that sounds pretty healthy. And this is me being ambitious but I was thinking that if I could last that 3 days without chewing off my arm, I might make it a 5 day stretch. x)

Here's to hoping I don't chew off my arm (or anyone's) before Day 1 is done.

Four bird with one stone.

2008-02-11T05:24:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!

15 days of celebration so I'm not too late! Not that it makes any difference since not many people I know read this space anyway. However to those who do, that big bold red one on top goes to you! (Though the fact that you know this blog exist would probably mean I've wished you in person or text you a greeting already. Haha!)

Today is the 4th day of CNY and so much has happened!! It's extremely late right now and I really ought to be asleep but Amelia does not have a regular sleeping pattern so she is going to blog until she feels her eyelids slip.

Now first on the line is...

Guess who's a redhead now?

ME! ME! ME!

So it's not exactly red red, more like maroon or dark fuschia but I'm really lovin' it! Before wash off time, I was so darn scared that it would turn out to be a disaster along with my track record of so many hideous hideous hair-dos but it didn't! Yay! My mother did it for me and as she was dying my hair she got freaked out by the colour of the hair dye because it was so darn red. Like blood red. When my dad came into the hall and saw me, he thought I got into an accident or something. The look of shock on his face was priceless. HAHAHA!

Anyway, most of the people who've seen it liked it and I'm really really happy. x) I've got nice hair! Wheeeeeee!

Next, I have been...

Meeting up with random strangers online.

Now I know how dodgy that sounds but it really isn't really that bad. In the past, I've met up with a few characters whom I've got to know online first and these turned out to be gems. You know who are! *wink wink* However that was a long time ago, back when I was still a teenager filled with the zest for life and was constantly looking forward to meet new people. Now I'm a jaded final year university student who do not see the point in meeting anyone new anymore because frankly, the ones I already have make me extremely happy and it's incredibly hard and tedious to meet like-minds. Also the thought of having to make small talk and be a milder version of your true self is incredibly suffocating.

A week ago, PY met this American guy online who was in Malaysia on a business trip. After exchanging a few emails back and forth, they decided to meet and guess who she dragged along? Me! I was quite hesistant at first but I didn't want the PY to drive back home all alone so I went with her in the end. I must say it was really great spontaneous fun that night. We met them at the agreed venue, threw them in the car, and just drove to the Ming Tien for food. This amused me quite a bit. 2 groups of total strangers, from different countries and different cultures, thrown into the same car, in search for food. What are the odds! We spent most of our time getting to know each other in the car. They were nice decent people and were extremely happy to be in Malaysia. I loved how I got to see my country through their eyes. Everything seemed so new and so exciting. It made me love my country even more and it made me appreciate some things I've never given much thought about.

Apparently I was so happy and comfortable in their company, I started talking about pee or something to that effect. x( When I got home, I was smacking myself in the head. Way to go, Amelia. Gross people out some more will ya! I hope they didn't think I was weird or something. I am on their Facebook though. HAHA.

And lastly...

I went to Malacca with the family!

I had a great great time spending time with my cousins. Jonker Street is so so pretty at night. The whole street is lined with bright red lanterns. And while I was walking along the streets, I was actually looking at everything through the eyes of my new foreign friends, taking them all in, imagining what it would feel like to see something like this for the first time. It was magnificent. I was super enthusiastic and I was made all kinds of happy by the bustling crowd, the happy colours, the pretty lights, the random music and the little (and big) trinklets that were sold by the street vendors.

It was a short 2 day trip but I haven't had so much fun in ages! I'll put up pictures of the trip soon. For now I leave you with a video that makes me laugh out loud everytime. x)

Woohoo!!

Guangzhou

2008-02-05T00:31:00.000+08:00

I wouldn't mind living in Guangzhou..

And that is me saying a lot because as much as I love to travel I've never actually felt the urge to live in these places for a period of time. But Guangzhou struck a chord in my heart. I loved the place though I spend a short span of 3 nights there. Maybe it's because I felt very much at home there because everyone spoke in a language I understood - Cantonese. HAHA!

China is so so modern that I can't believe my eyes. I've been to China numerous times, different provinces everytime, and each visit always leaves me incredibly impressed. Everything is developing so rapidly and you see signs of development everywhere. Awkwardly placed pieces of steel in a vast barren land that would probably be transformed into a mega steel structure in a few years to come.

The most exciting thing about China is the shopping. When you're in the country that is one of the world largest manufacturers, you KNOW you're getting it good. Needless to say I shopped like mad woman on the loose. My mom and I bought so many bags, we could alternate between them for each day of the week. HAHA! The winter clothings were dead cheap, with smart looking MNG/Zara inspired trenchcoats going for as cheap as RM30. Leather knee length boots going for a minimal sum of RM 15. Yes, kill me now for living in a hot and humid Malaysia. I would live there for the sole reason of being able to wearing these fabulously cheap garbs, which mind you, are incredibly stylish and Vogue magazine worthy.

Another great thing about being in Guangzhou is the food. Authentic Cantonese cuisine, what more can I say? I think I put on at least 3 kgs in 3 days. Flubber is making a comeback. *whimpers*

Alright picture time. Picture heavy post. Be warned, picture diarrhea ahead. XD

KL lights from above. Well it could be Shah Alam or some place else but it sure does look pretty. x)

I was an Alien in China. How cool is that! This amused me a fair bit. Heh.

Siao Loong Paus. Yummy meat dumplings with soupy insides. A perfect meal when you're stuck in a cold cold country.

Another must have when you're in a cold place. Steamed sweet potato! A mega combo of cold, hot and sweet = orgasmic! Gimme more!

Now this is one interesting glass of liquid we had during dinner. Chinese Rice Wine. Extremely potent at 50% alcohol content(or more, I forgot) but also extremely fragrant and sweet. It was so strong that I had to sip it like wine when I was suppose to take shots. I would have died if I took one swig of that lil' glass. Tiny sips were enough to make me feel warm all over. One thing though, I never get red in the face when I drink alcohol. I think it's the only part of me that's not truely Chinese. XD

After dinner, we went for a dip at this famous Hot Spring resort in the suburbs of Guangdong. We went to this street stall just outside the resort to shop for swimsuits. It was incredibly hilarious. It was at least 10 degrees and all of us were looking at swimsuits. My mom got this really ugly one in red and blue. It had a little skirt and sleeves with lizard and flower prints. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I had a tough time convincing her to wear it, telling her that no one would look at her and that it was so dark no one would notice anyway.

When we finally changed into our swimsuits and step outside to get into hot springs it was horrible. If shopping for swimsuits at 10 degree celsius was crazy, walking out in the cold in your swimsuits is way worse! Two minutes of walking in the cold, we found a steaming hot pool and jumped right in. Okay so maybe we didn't jump right in, but we would if the water wasn't so scalding hot! But I love being submerged in scalding hot water. It's just so relaxing when you get use to the heat. After getting bored of being in the same pool, we went around to scout for more pools. The resort is huge with at least 30 hot spring pools, each with different minerals. We were looking for this pool with little fishes that apparently ate away dead skin. The resort called it their famous "fish therapy". Haha! We went around in circles looking for this pool and soon the heat from the pool left us and we're shivering in the cold running around look for stupid skin eating fishes. 8 of us, uncles, aunties and cousins, running around in our wet swimsuits, at 10 degree celcius looking for blardy fishes to eat our dead skin away. Good times, good times. XD

After the hot springs, we went to this massage parlour for some awesome footy massage. 75 minutes for RM35. Dirt cheap!

My dear Papa, massaging my Mama's feet. These two crack me up all the time with their playful banter and quirky antics. I have the best parents evah! XD

A candid shot of MeliaBelia at the hotel we stayed at. Springdale Service Residence for anyone who wishes to head over to Guangzhou anytime in the future. It's a pretty splendid place that is extremely accessible with a few major malls nearby and a commuter station just a few walks away.

Pearl River behind me. XD

Chinese Tea in dainty little China.

The Father and I. x)

Family peekcha. Missing Raymond who's at home all by his lonesome. Awww. x(

Orgasmic Egg-tarts. Seriously.

Dim sum at Tai Tong Restaurant. One of the best in Guangzhou. And definitely one of the best I've ever tasted!

Because there was a mirror and I just had to!

My momma and I. <3> Bargain, bargain, bargain. Keyword to survival shopping in China.

There's always something extremely eerie yet charming about old alleyways.

Old buildings.

Dried scallops at the wholesale market.

Chinese New Year paraphernalia. I see red!

A stall selling all kinds of paper/plastic bags in cute cartoon prints.

Because colours make me soooooooo happy!

The scallop I had for dinner. x)

A happy Amelia with the sweetest tiny tangerine evah! I can die in peace now. x)

Geoduck. I never knew shells had such big penises. HAHA! I never knew anything edible could look so gross. ( and for those of you believed me, that's not a shell penis la.)

At Shangxiajiu Street, which is a shopping street filled with many many goodies!

Abandoned charm.

Beautiful parks that I wish we had back home.

My dad is the cutest! x)

Ping Tong Wu Lou, caramelised strawberries (usually any type of fruit) on a stick. I hope I don't get diabetes. xP

Mango Shuang Pi Nai, which is some famous Guangdong dessert made out of egg whites and milk. Super yummy!

Cantonese wantan mee. Honestly, I prefer the ones back home. XD

I had my daily dose in China. Booyah! XD

I love being above the clouds.

Phew! That was one long ass post. Signing off now. Tarra!

2008-01-30T21:09:00.000+08:00

Of life and death.

These are the the most perplexing things about being human. To be created to perish. Sound horribly morbid but it is the only certainty in this thing we call life. That we will all be gone one day. Gone where we don't exactly know. Some say heaven, some say hell and some say to (eep!) nothingness.

I've been surrounded by news of death lately, starting with my dear grandfather who passed away so sudden 3 weeks ago. I still haven't completely accepted the fact that he's no longer here. Somehow my brain refuses to accept an image that has no Kung Kung around. I go to his house and at every turn I make, I expect to see his smiling face greeting me with his strong handshake followed by a few good pats on my hands. How can he be gone just like that? How did life just leave him to be just an unmoving shell. What happened to the smiles, the strong grasp, the confident walk, the man who could never sit still? Where did all that go? *scratches head*

And news of friends who had to face the knowledge of death. To know the cause of your death, does it make a difference? Does it make it seem more real, more terrifying? Do you wait for your time to come or do you continue living? How does it work?

And the latest passing of Lee Nian Ning, a 21 year old student who was on her way to visit some friends in Penang. Did she even think that that day would be her last? She never knew the cause of her death, I bet she never even thought of it and there you go, one life perished. She could've been me. She could've been any one of my friends. I could've been her. Is life really that fragile? Why is it that some people can live till an eternity while some lives end so quick?

People say it is all fated. Does it mean that if I jumped in front of an oncoming bus I will not die if I weren't fated to die on that day? Does it mean that even though we take extra precautions in our everyday lives that death would still hit us without us expecting it?

If I were to die one day, it is not the act of death that scares me, it is not being able to tell my parents that I love them, to let my friends know that I'm so grateful to have them and to let people who have done me wrong know that I forgive them. For that one last time. Because it does matter. It helps with the healing and it helps with the moving on.

And just so you all know, if I die, and you never got the chance to tell me, I know you love me and I want to tell you that I love you too.

This is a morbid one but if that day should come, at least my final words would be recorded in my archives. x)

Regrets.

2008-01-13T11:31:00.000+08:00

Dear Kung Kung,

My earliest and fondest memories of you is when you always gave me a big hug whenever I went over to visit you. I use to do that so often didn't I? I remembered you always told me that I was pretty and that I was a good kid. I remember you teasing about me putting on weight and that I should go on a diet so I'll look prettier. I remember watching homevideos of you fitting me in that prickly orange dress, beaming at me proudly as I waddle my way to my mother. You never failed to greet me with that warm smile whenever I visit you. I love the way your eyes always lit up when you see me, and the way you call my name in your very endearing China man way. I love the way you're always so concern about us although you're such a busy man. I love the way you never failed to care for each grandchildren eventhough you have so so so many. I love the way you always walk on stage in that perfect posture of yours. I love the way you lecture us for having "no minor" when you teach us about minding our manners.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for not visiting you for so long. I can't even remember the last time I saw you. I think it was Christmas. I'm sorry I was the only one who failed to attend your birthday party a week ago. I'm sorry that I made such a horrible decision. But you were planning your 88th grand birthday party in August and I never thought that it would not happen. I thought you were invincible. I never thought that you would be gone. I never thought that I would never see or talk or hug you again. And now all I can do is enter the bar room and stare at that chair that you always sat at, thinking that I will never see you there. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry that I took you for granted, thinking that you will always be around.

If I have not any regret in my life before, this is my first one. I regret not attending your birthday party. I regret not being a better grandchild. I regret not telling you that I love you and that I appreciate all that you have done for us. I regret not telling you what a great man you are. I regret.

I am so proud to be your grandchild. I have always been. You were a great man. You did things that were impossible. You left behind a legacy that I will always look up to. You dedicated your entire life to making it big and providing for your family. You've single handedly provided for ALL of us. I cannot thank you enough.

You will always be my hero. And I will make you proud one day, wherever you are. I will make you proud.

I hope you're happy and you're well and I know you're in a good place.

We'll meet again someday.

Missing you sorely,

Your granddaughter

Bang!

2008-01-01T20:49:00.000+08:00

2008.

I had the greatest time ushering in the new year. It was the most spontaneous thing I've done ever. And yes, I'm liking it.

Made a bunch of plans earlier in the day only to see them fizzle out by evening because everyone just couldn't make it. I was already set on having a mellow night at home, maybe sleeping in early.

Then Peter called and the next thing I know, I was all dressed up, in front of my house with Aiman and Peter and two cans of beer waiting for Oliver to pick us up to I have no idea where.

An hour later and very poor rationing of that measly two cans, I decided to just change and settle at some mamak nearby. In the car, we decided to get a carton of beer and just find a place to drink. Peter told us about this cheap Indian stall selling really cheap liqour in Taman Daya so we went there to look. We rounded the place a few times to no avail, until Aiman shouted, "There! Tambhi Liqour Murah!!", to which I gulliably responded by actually looking for the said sign until Peter went "Deyyyy, shaddup lahhh!". HAHAHAHAHA. Good times, good times.

Anyway we ended up buying 4 big bottles of beer from some Chinese coffee shop instead. Decided to head over to a playground in Manjalara to drink and on the way we went up the flyover and saw many cars stopping by the side of the road. So we did too.

12am. A 180 degree perimeter illuminated by bursts of colourful squiggly lights. Some people cheered. We drank and ate our peanuts while trying to guess which firework came from where. It was nice.

After that pit-stopped at Spicy because the boys had to pee. -_____-

We stopped by an empty playground nearby and sat on the swings and slides, drinking, eating peanuts and just basically talking about anything that comes to mind. It was a lot of fun. Swings are really fun. We laughed and talked and reminisce the old days. Talked about live, talked about love, talked about politics, talked about religion, talked about friends.

It was great. I would never imagined spending my new year with these two but it was very symbolic. There was a Malay, Chinese and Indian, how cliche eh? I swear it would have made a great Petronas Merdeka ad. HAHA!

We finished the 4 bottles and drove over to Spicy to meet Andrew. Apparently I was knocking into tables and not exactly walking straight. Haha. Talked more there, laughed even more. Maybe the alco made me silly happy but I know one thing for sure, there was no place I'd rather be.

After Spicy we went to McD's for unknown reasons. Ordered some food and talked some more till my mom called me sounding not really chirpy.

I went back home at 6am to a very unhappy mother. But it was all worth it because I had such great fun. We made better friends that day. Words just cannot express how meaningful it was to me.

What a great way to start a new year. *smiles*

A Picture Recap!

2007-12-31T22:00:00.000+08:00

These were the best days of my life...

(Best captured memories and my favouritest peekchas!)

I had family...

And great times with friends..

Travelled places...

Loved.....

Worked....

Eaten to my lil' hearts content!

I have lived.

May next year bring more wonderful pictures and more exciting moments!

2007-12-31T21:01:00.000+08:00

Another year..

Time to recap and be grateful for another year that has passed bearing with it our tears, moments of joy, lessons taught and learnt and most of all new relationships that will be tested in the future and broken ones that would be swept forever in that little corner in our hearts.

This year I turned 21. And with all that hype that's associated with these two numbers, did they live up to it's glorified significance? Now that I'm at the end of it all, I must say that this has been a heck of a year.

So much has happened and I feel as though I've grown by leaps and bounds. Yes yes, I say that every year but it is true that you learn something new with each time passing. And this is the year where I've loved like never before, lost it and gained something even more solid in return. It is the year where my friendships were put to the test and we triumphed over it to say with much certainty now that forever is imminent. It is the year where I learnt that to err is to human and no matter how much you think you've done, there's always something that you haven't done enough.

I do not have a new year's resolution because I do not want to just change little parts of me only in the year to come. This is the time where I remind myself of who I want to be.

And I want to be..

That person that would always give freely without expecting anything in return.

That person that would be remembered by all in times of joy and need.

That person that never judges and loves everyone equally.

That person that can still see the world through the eyes of her inner child because everything is just so much more wonderful like that.

That person who is carefree and never jaded by life.

That person who can tell the world she's happy and to have it be true.

As I sit here in the cold cold office, I have so much to reminisce about, so much to be thankful for.

I may not have done and seen a whole lot in these 21 years but I've met some of the greatest people and forged so many great friendships. I will always be thankful.

People.

Friends.

Family.

I’ve had it good this year. *smiles*

On to another year. Bring it on 2008!

My weekend...

2007-12-16T23:14:00.000+08:00

Last Thursday I wrote...

This morning..

I walked down 21 floors. -___-

In my heels and long sleeve work shirt which was ironed meticulously by my mom the night before. Now my legs feels all wobbly and jelly like and the sleeves of my shirt creased from all the folding that was required to keep me from sweating into dehydration.

What happened exactly? FIRE DRILL. -____-

I asked the lady working in my office if this happens often.

"Oh, only once in a year!".
"Well I must be very lucky then!?

Once in a year and it chose to fall on the day where I made an effort to wear something thicker to keep me from freezing my ass off in the cold cold room. Once in a year and it chose to fall on the day where I triumphly proclaimed to myself just an hour before that this time I will not let the cold get to me because I will be all warm and toasty.

I WALKED DOWN 21 FLOORS!!!

At one point, at the 15th floor, I felt a little floaty. Suddenly the steps seem to be moving all over the place and I feared that I could miss a step and tumble all the way down. Then I figured that tumbling down would be less tiring. As I walked down, fixing my eyes on every step I take, many nonsensical thoughts entered my mind.

I wonder how much force and momentum would it take for me to roll all the way down.

I wonder if I miss a step, will I fall flat on my face or will I fall on my bum?

I wonder which one will hurt more.

Omg it's only Level 13!!

Hey, the lady's tudung is very pretty! It’s got glittery ends.
Maybe I should wear a baju kurung to work too.

I wonder if my Ipod's done charging.

I wonder if my pants are too tight.

Oh darn, I hope my panty lines aren't showing.

Oooo…I feel like a cupcake. I wonder if I can find the cupcake shop nearby.

Hmmm…maybe I should shave my armpits today. Oh wait, Chenn said something about threading it in Bangsar.

Should I thread my armpits?

Oh yay it's Level 3!

After reaching the lobby, 3 fire engines came rolling in, their blaring sirens disrupting the monotonous background noise of KL’s traffic. About 20 or more firemen in their firemen-ish uniforms came marching in a line into the building. We were told that the drill will last for 2 hours.

WTF.

I really wondered what were they doing in the building for 2 hours. It’s not like there was a real fire to put out. It was so freaking dramatic I tell you. And a major waste of my time and sweat. T__T

So my senior and I ended up at a little mamak stall hidden beneath the trees. I sat there and soaked in my environment. The warm sunrays peeking through the canopy above our heads, the busy KL traffic, the bustling working crowd, people walking all over the streets with a sense of purpose, all having a role to play this very fine morning.

I felt like I was transported into another world. A world that I had no business in, at least not yet. A world that was kept hidden away from all students. This is the real world. This is it.

It's so different looking at the city when you're sitting there, in the middle of it all. You hear the various sounds blending in harmony, you inhale the mix of musky polluted morning air and somehow you feel that you're a part of this crazy complicated clockwork system. It's amazing!

I think I'm sounding a bit crazy. Hahaha!

Better get to work. I have tonnes of files to go through.

Not having internet access at my client's place sucks plenty! Boo!!

View from my office. KL Tower in full view!

At the lil' mamak nearby.

The pretty canopy right above my head.

*********************************************************************************

Pictures from the weekend! Woot!

With me Papa and my glorious eyebags.

With me Mama!

The yummy Onion Loaf at Tony Roma's. x)

The super juicy Grilled Marinated Chicken Breast.

And the trademark Bountiful Beef Ribs to complete my friday night dinner!

Pictures from my Friday night out!

Yes they were taken in my room after we came back from TSB because my camera wasn't canggih enough to take pictures in bad lighting. XP

Pictures from my Saturday outing with Amanda

At MidValley, where this year's Christmas theme was some Fairy Theme.

Pictures from last weekend at the Curve and the Pavillion

All the malls are decked with Christmas decorations. Christmas is coming way too soon! I haven't even shopped for presents yet! x)

Tomorrow is Monday. UGH.

Idle

2007-12-06T13:37:00.000+08:00

Being idle is not fun at all.

It's day 4 and I still have nothing to do. Just had lunch. I think the most productive thing I've done today was EAT. And yes, that is very very sad.

Most of my colleagues have already met their mentor, while I haven't even spoken to mine. Tried to look for her handphone number to no avail. Called her ext and she's not in the office. And the lady who's incharge of us interns and who is supposed to give me my mentor's number is on leave! So I haven't a clue what to do!

Sigh sigh sigh....

I really can't believe I'm praying for something to do. Being this idle is not fun at all. It's mentally and sometimes emotionally draining. Day 4 and I don't even feel like doing this anymore, because I'm not doing anything! I hate feeling so unproductive. I hate having nothing to do, wasting my precious time that can be spent doing more interesting things, like shopping or sell my clothes on selltrade or bake a cake or decorate my house for Christmas.

Sigh sigh sigh....

Let's hope tomorrow will be different. I really want to start doing something useful, something that stimulates my brain and makes me think.

Gosh I better do something about this and take some action! Time to hunt down my mentor!

SET!

************************************************************************************************

Finally got in contact with my mentor! Yay! And I'll be based at my client's place tomorrow. Met two of my seniors that I'm going to work with. They seem pretty friendly and nice. Hopefully they'll be patient with this lil' intern. x) A lot of the stuff I'm going to do are going to be very IT-centric. Infact I'll even be able to put into use the subject I took last semester - Accounting and Information Systems. I even remembered certain terminology used so I guess I might learn something after all. Yay!

Can't wait to finally start my job tomorrow!

On my 3rd day of work...

2007-12-05T14:58:00.000+08:00

Work..

is strangely very very much like going to the library or to a computer lab, where you have everyone seated in their neatly arranged cubibles typing away and doing their own thing.

So today, is my first day in my department's office. And I have absolutely nothing to do right now, so this is where having a blog comes in handy.

I'M BLOGGING FROM WORK YO!!! Wooohoooo!!!

Today started off really early. I reached the parking lot at 8pm, waited till 8.15 before I walked over to the office. We're supposed to have a Web Based Learning session from 8.30 to 12.30 but apparently the system was down or something so we couldn't do it. So we waited for a good 45 mins before a representative came to bring us to our department. There were around 9 interns who's name I've yet to remember. I'm sure I will by the end of my course here.

The office is big with many many desks. And we were told to occupy the empty ones. So there we were, 9 interns, with absolutely nothing to do, with no internet access, making small talk, talking nonsense and at awkward times, stare into each other's face or at the walls.

And being here, with nothing to do, have made me incredibly dependent on the internet. Before logging in to blogger I've been trying for at least 2 freaking hours to get on the company's wireless. Grrrrrr!! I finally called the IT support dept and after talking to a very irritable and sarcastic girl who made me feel like the dumbest person on earth and another guy who wishes he was in the Bahamas instead of dealing with a noob intern, I finally managed to get online!! Woohoo! A lesson to learn here people. Persevere and you will be rewarded!

Oh gosh I'm so darn bored and I can't wait to go home. Walking back to the HELP parking lot is dreadful when you're lugging a laptop around in heels. x( I'm so not looking forward to that. Sigh.

2 more hours to go before I'll be homeward bound!

Thank God for the Ipod!

Alright time to find something else to kill time.

Tarra!

Work.

2007-12-03T02:31:00.000+08:00

Problem.

Work starts tomorrow and I can't freaking sleep. It's 2.33am now and I'm supposed to be up at 6.15am.

Anyway I'm super hyped about going to work. A little nervous, a little excited. I'm gonna be wearing work clothes yo! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I know everyone's probably thinking I'm a sakai now but people seriously, I've never worn them before!

I feel so adult in my high heeled pumps going "click clock click clock". WAHAHAHAHA! This brings me back to the times when I was still a widdle primary school kid, playing "office office" with Pui Yee and Jessica where we use to wear her mom's (then) oversized heels, dark violet lipstick and pretending to be grown ups. Got inter office affairs too. HAHAHAHAHA! I guess I'm finally there. I'm finally going to live my make believes. Omg, I can so tear. Amelia's going to work!!

Okay lah, I know I'm only interning but it's just....dude, I have an office! HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Aku ada opis yo! In a tall tall building. I HAVE AN OFFICE IN A TALL TALL BUILDING!

*MEGA GRIN*

Dear God, please shield me from office politics and protect me from potentially bitchy colleagues. Please bless me with everlasting likability and tonnes of people who like me enough to have lunch with me. Oh and please don't make it rain at 8.30am and 5.30pm because that's when I'll have to walk to the carpark which is a good 10 minutes walk from my office and I'd hate to get drench. Also I'll be wearing heels. So yeah.

Amen.

Oh wow. Is this my new beginning? x)

*******************************************************************************************************

Update!

Managed to get to work on time. Picked Jessica up and how wonderful it is to start your first day of work with your oldest kindy best friend? Haha. Honestly, what are the odds of that even happening!

Customary picture to commemorate my first day of work....as an intern. x) Work shirt yo!

The reception area filled with fresh-faced vacation trainees like me! Of course, my face wasn't fresh at all considering I only slept for less than 3 hours. x(

Of all the days my face chose to be fugly, it chose my first day of work. I don't know why, or what happened but the area under my left eye is slightly swollen and it looks like I got punched in the eye. And telling people I'm from Kepong doesn't help either. LOL. What if they think I'm gangsta getting into fights and all?! Summore a lousy one cos kena tumbuk. Heh.

Today and tomorrow will basically be orientation days, and gosh, I never knew sitting down all day doing nothing but listening to people drone in front while trying to keep a professional front was so tiring! I felt like I was in a reallllllly long lecture except that I can't slouch and sleep openly on the table. It's the work clothes I tell you! It's the work clothes! Somehow it just feels wrong slacking in them! Hahaha!

So I was stuck in the conference room from 9am to 5.30pm with two tea breaks and one lunch break held in the bistro next door. By the time I collected my laptop and security tag it was almost 6pm. Phew!

But today was a really good experience for me though the later part of the orientation kinda sucked cos I had a major gastric problem and my stomach felt like a bubbling volcano. I could feel and hear the gurgling that was going on inside. I think the girl sitting next to me heard it too. x( And because I was feeling so gassy I felt like burping and farting a lot and gosh it was hell trying to control it. I was praying really hard for none of those to happen because God forbid that I be outcasted by my peers on my first day of work because I farted out loud. *wince* Well thank God, it didn't happen and I met some pretty nice people there today. x) Yay!

Day 2 tomorrow! Can't wait!

Gotta sleep now. I have work tomorrow you know. *snickers* x)

Not another haircut!

2007-11-29T04:11:00.000+08:00

Melia cuts her hair AGAIN...

Got it cut in the afternoon, loved it. However later on into the day, after a few pictures, I didn't think it looked that nice. Uh-oh.

So I need some feedback. People tell me what you think! And try to be nice lah. x)

Vunerable...still.

2007-11-26T02:19:00.000+08:00

What is my definition?

It sucks when you realise in moments where you least expect, you define yourself by the way others look at you. That your entire being is influenced by people around you.

Since when do you ever care what people thought about you?

Always.

And that struck a very painful chord. That I always have. After so many years of working to NOT care, at the very end, I still do.

I wonder when will this ever leave me. When will it never haunt me again. This fear, this dread, of falling back to where I was once so dejected. When will I finally truly get that I'm no longer that person. That I have grown so much since then, that I've seen more and I am more.

You're here obsessing and he's sleeping real soundly.

Yeah. Fuck him. I'm not taking this nonsense anymore.

Kiddie Burfday Paty and EuroDeli

2007-11-25T02:00:00.000+08:00

Of Kiddie Burfday Parties and Pork Knuckles.

So today was my baby cousin's 2nd Birthday Party. It's been a longgggg time since we had a kiddie birthday party because the youngest among all us cousins is 17 years old. So when this lil' fella came along, we suddenly had a baby in our midst. It's really funny to see how EVERYONE's face turn to mush when they see him. How we will all fight for his attention, pulling weird faces and talking in baby voices. Haha! So yes, today was lil' Kaden Chong's birthday and there were balloons and streamers and lights and a A&W Bear!

The lil' man himself, getting high huffing and puffing on some party pack hooter.

Never too old to wear party hats. x)

This kid was totally harassing the A&W bear by tugging at it's tail at every chance he gets.

Showing the kids how to play musical chairs.

Blowing candles.

Present time! Look at that gleeful little face! Awwwww...

Hot Wheels for a 2 year old. Is there fairness in this world?

Anyway I haven't had so much fun in years. Playing musical chairs, playing catch with my cousins whom I grew up with playing all these games. It was very nostalgic. We laughed ourselves silly, sweated like a pig from all the running around and it was mad fun! It's great being able to feel like a child again. Seriously, who needs alcohol when you have root beer and curly fries! Haha!

These are times that I wish that I never have to grow up. x)

************************************************************************************************************

Yesterday my dad finally brought me to EuroDeli, a German restaurant that serves pork! Woohoo! This post is non-halal btw. Heh.

Ham, Piggy and Sausage sitting in a row. This picture looks very wrong on so many levels.

The interior. They have buffets on certain days which I think are pretty reasonable. Do check them out.

My plate of Pork Knuckles and Pork Ribs with Mash Potatoes and Sauerkraut. Delish! x)

Baked Apple Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream. Sedap siuttttt!

And then, the Jaegermeister! Yummy stuff that warms my tummy.

Alrighty. End of picture post. x)

Peekcha-ful x)

2007-11-23T01:40:00.000+08:00

Of vainity and random peekchas.

Okay so I'm on a 3 months break. Which means I'm very very very free. Free to do anything I fancy. I've been going out a whole lot, shopping, going to the cinema, hanging out with my friends, visiting my cousins, shopping and shopping and....... shopping. Now it's been almost 2 weeks of going out and I'm beginning to feel that there's nothing much to do anymore. Well, I lie, there's actually a whole lot more to do but that would make what am about to do in this post very very lame and shameless so I'm sticking to what I said earlier. There's nothing much to do anymore. Sigh sigh sigh. x)

But before the picture diarrhea, a little update about me. I got an internship at Ernst & Young and I'm starting work on the 3rd December. So technically I don't exactly have a 3 months break. So if you love me and want to hang out with me, ASK ME OUT ALREADY! x)

Okay on to the peekchas. x)

Chenn and I during my pre-exams period. This picture and the following two below is to show you that I have successfully got myself a jawline from my weird sleeping hours that resulted in me having one meal a day for an entire month. People, I'm sporting a jawline yo! Woot!

The said jawline, still prominent post-exams. Now I have to try to discipline myself and eat moderately lest my precious jawline diminishes. And nothing opens up your appetite like post-exams period and a freaking long holiday. *whimpers*

*Stares at jawline*

My girls and I at Friendster Cafe for our usual late night chats. x)

New phone + red at the traffic lights = picture.

The really super duper pretty dress that I was so tempted to get. But Amelia's a good girl and she knows her priorities (and also because she's really broke) so a picture (or two) will have to do.

For those of you who didn't know Pui Yee is now skinny, here's prove. She's a freaking pencil now. Okay now, it's very rude to leave your jaw hanging.

The boo-tee-ful butterfly top I got and another picture of Pui Yee.

Okay so the entire reason of our outting was so I could get work clothes. So yeah, work clothes. I'm gonna be a corporate slut. Haha. x)

The carefree kid. x) Actually this is just an excuse to show off my outfit for the day. Heh.

I went to my cousin's TARA EP1 Launch today. So yes, here's a picture of the Malaysian teams of the Amazing Race Asia 2.

The only picture I took of the night because I was too engrossed watching the show and busy talking to my cousins.

I love this top too much lah, it'd be a sin if I didn't have a picture of it. Heh. So yeah, a picture of my lovely blue top.

Amelia's happeee. x)

She's back.

2007-11-20T01:29:00.000+08:00

Melia gets a new phone. x)

The chronic camwhore is back. After a long hiatus, due to the fact that my lousy SE z520i died on me and the fact that I hate my current Nikon camera, I haven't been living up to my camwhore title.

But all has changed now. I bought a new phone. A canggih manggih W660i. Woohoo! It's a beaut with it's maroon and gold combo! Me likes very much. x)

Sorry. I just had to. x)

More pictures!

Andrew and I at Italiannies after watching the dumbest movie EVAH. Ladies and Gents, please refrain from watching Beowulf.

Out with my BF turned BFF. To those who can't believe that we're not digging each other's eyes out, here's solid prove that we're still the best of friends. We even bought our phones together. x)

With my darling Pui Yee before heading off to Kailash's birthday party where some crazy chick pulled my top down. T_T

Affectionate cousins.

Baby cousin #1 : My precious Penny Farting aka Hamster. Miss the days when I use to change her nappies. Awwwwww.

Baby cousin #2: My handsome bunny hair boy Seanny.

Baby cousin #3: My childhood playmate Donald Duck voice Evon.

Baby cousin #4: The babiest of all baby cousins, my Little Kaden, who's totally rocking the peace sign yo!

Sigh...I love my new phone. x) *hearts*

A new chapter?

2007-11-18T00:29:00.000+08:00

Lost and found.

Finally got the time to sit down and record what's been happening in my life. And I need to record this, because I want to remember how in a span of 2 weeks I went from being lost and confused to being saved and certain.

In my entire 21 years of living, I've never felt pain as I did some 2 weeks ago. The pain was real and it hurt every single part of me. The realisation that I'm about to lose something or that I already had left me empty and hollow. And it is through that when I realised that sometimes in life, you have to lose yourself in order to find that one part that you're looking for. Because when you finally reached the end, the point of no return, it is then when everything becomes crystal clear. Because in that moment of hopelessness, nothing else matters except for one. And that is when you know your answer.

I went into a transition period, where I was in between two realities or two fantasies. I had help, and I thank God for blessing me with him. Because in whatever form he chooses to appear in, he always always calms me. And I thank You for that. For loving me so unconditionally. For giving me time to clear my head. For caring about me and my welfare. For playing that dual role so well. Thank you and remember that I will always love you.

Love comes in many forms, and I realised that you can't really catergorise it into its levels because we don't exactly know for sure. But does it matter? Sometimes, we should let things be what it is without thinking too much of it. If it's present, so let it be. Be grateful to feel it.

And now that everything is sorted out, I feel grateful. If I had any doubts before, it's all gone now. Because I can say that I'm truly truly happy now. Letting go isn't that hard. Not when you get something greater in return. And I'm lucky to have that. At first I thought I needed some convincing, that this will indeed be better for both of us. But there's no need for that. Everything fell into place. Everything is beautiful.

Though in the past weeks, I've shed tonnes of tears and felt the most intense pain ever, this is one of the most beautiful experience I've ever had. I never thought that I'd be one to have this. And to know that I'm one of the few lucky ones, I will be eternally grateful.

"We haven't lost each other, infact we will always be part of each other's lives."

Indeed.

On to another chapter in life. With you still by my side.

Hesitation.

2007-11-06T12:59:00.000+08:00

Right foot in, left foot out..

Which foot goes where after?

Ever felt like you're really sure about what you want and then be plagued by uncertainty after a few seconds? And you go back and forth between being sure and unsure, like a pendulum swing. A process that is so volatile it drives you crazy after a few minutes of trying to decide what you want because there's no clear answer.

I've always believe that there's no such thing as not knowing what you want. I've seen people saying it all the time, not knowing how to choose between two or three. The thing is, there is bound to be one choice that stands out from the rest, no matter how slight it may be. I thought I've made my choice. I seemed to have made it without even realising it. It was a slow process accompanied by a complicated mix of denial and fear. But now that I'm here, what is holding me back?

Most of the time I go about my day like I usually do, but sometimes it strikes me, the closeness of it all. I feel the aching sourness in my heart and suddenly I don't want to do it anymore. Because feeling like this isn't what I want. It is definitely not what I want.

Why can't we alone bear the full consequences of our actions?

I dread that day. Whenever that may be.

Smiles

2007-11-02T18:18:00.000+08:00

That Upward Facial Curve.

Scenario #1

Waiting for an available parking space to magically appear at Jusco Kepong. Our first target - Indian lady with two kids, a granny and a cart full of groceries. We trailed her with our car. She walked real slow, her children struggling with the shopping trolley, her mom trailing behind. The wait was slow and frustrating. Just when she was about to reach her car, she turned around looking surprised. We looked across from where she was standing. Another surprised face, followed by a smile of recognition. GREAT! Just what we needed. Friendly chatter ensued. We watched in helpless frustration. Second target appears - Indian family with 2 kids and another granny. They walked faster this bunch. They pass me one by one. Dad. Mom. Kid 1. Granny. Kid 2. Kid 2 turned around and smiled at me the sweetest smile ever. The childish glint in his eyes, the cutest dimple that cut at his cheeks. I was caught by surprise. I smiled back, a little more enthusiastically than I should. My heart fluttered. That was nice. Then I smiled to myself.

Scenario #2

Found a comfy couch at Starbucks. My favourite couch. Sat there, got comfy and turned my laptop on. There was a lady in grey. I was actually staring at her massive behind. It reminded me of my secondary school headmistress. She turned around, caught me looking at her. Her porcelian white face and pink stained lips curved upwards to form a lovely smile. She was pretty. I caught myself smiling back and I gave her a little nod. That was nice too.

And now I'm sitting here, thinking that smiles are one of the best features God has given us humans. It's the easiest thing to do, it cost us nothing at all, and it can brighten up someone's day like nothing can. There's no need for conversation. Just smile. It means nothing and so much at the same time.

Now I'm going to randomly smile at whoever and whatever.

Today has been good. x)

Sailing...

2007-10-30T15:03:00.000+08:00

She peeks.

Out of her burrow and scampers to that familiar spot. She sits there waiting, wishing for it to come. What exactly she doesn't know. But it'll be great, magical almost, she's quite sure.

She taps her feet, slowly at first. The pace quickens and she can't help but notice the steady beat of the sound. Tap, tap, tap, tap...it's so easy to get distracted...so easy to forget what she's waiting for. It sounds like a ticking clock...no wait...more like someone knocking on the door.

Who is it?

Hello?? Anyone there?

Oh, hello figment of my imagination! You sure looking charming today. *smiles*

Silence.

She scampers back into her burrow leading right to clouds.

That's enough for today.

x)

2007-10-27T05:37:00.001+08:00

The Promise.

If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me, If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like
I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where
I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.

*********************************************************************************************

James Blunt turns me into pulp.

My definition of love = The Notebook + The Promise

Will I ever be able to have that?

Let the silly little girl dream....

Edit: Okay this is embarassing. The song isn't by James Blunt. It's by Tracy Chapman!! Hahaha! So Ben, you were right, because that's the ONLY version you can find. I hate mp3s that gives wrong information!!!

I nearly wanted to marry a woman. Haha!

Delusions

2007-10-26T21:01:00.000+08:00

My deluded mind.

Has done me many favours when I needed it the most. But what happens now when I finally re-emerge from the clouds and descend upon hard solid ground?

I don't know. I don't know what is reality anymore. It feels too far from reach. What is fact and what is fiction? How can I tell, when everything's so blurred. There are no lines and no boundaries. Where to begin and where to end?

Do I wish to be in this delusional state? Yes. Very much. Because it's too painful and too hard to have reality hit you in the face. Because when that happens, I will have to do something to correct the wrong. Like how I should start panicking because my exams is in 4 days.

Am I really confused or do I just want to be confused? I can feel myself drifting, venturing into spaces that were once closed. But I tell myself that it's alright. Travel further. That's where happiness lies. Go on. Search. Indulge.

But how long will this last? Will it stay? Is it real? Or is it a figment of my imagination. A creation by my own mind of something I truly want.

The question is do we actually get what we truly want in life?

To settle or pursue?