....It's The Lil' Things That Make Life Sweet....

Monday, August 04, 2008

My brain has been thinking a lot lately.

On the issue of tolerance

While people say that trust is the backbone to all relationships, I actually think that tolerance is what keeps the ship afloat. Can you imagine a relationship without tolerance? Imagine a freaking mess. Drama, drama, drama. Because everyone wants things to go their way. While I'm all for promoting individuality, too much of it can be incredibly annoying. Being stuck with people who are stubborn and uncompromising really makes me want to tear my hair out (or theirs). While I try to remain patient and non-confrontational, sometimes I really want to scream in their faces, drenching them with verbal spray and then cup their cheeks with my hands while smiling pitifully at them while mouthing the words "GROW UP BITCH".

But I can't do it. Because I'm non-confrontational. And when I do feel confrontational my stupid brain always manifests these sick and insane reasons and logic forcing me to understand that all human beings are flawed. And from this, I will proceed to reason with myself that it's not their fault for being such a jerk or an asshole. They can't help it. And if I'm able to see through this, then I should act like the more mature person and just shut up and tolerate.

But keeping things in makes you mad and one day you will pop. I've tolerated a lot of shit in the past and I've popped a few times. I'm still tolerating some shit and I'm only doing it because no one is doing it. It's really not because I'm the mature one. It's because if I don't tolerate, then there'll be a huge explosion and nothing left. I really don't have a choice.

Sometimes I ask to no one in particular, "Why is it so hard being a nice person?". I usually don't get an answer.

......sometimes I really want to slap them too.

On the issue of friendship

I consider myself a very blessed person. I have great friends. Friends whom I know will remain loyal to me as long as I live. Friends that I know I can trust with my life. Friends that will always have my back. Friends that will always be happy and glad to see me. These friends can sometimes be annoying. They can sometimes get on my nerve. They can sometimes make me feel like bitching about them. They can also sometimes make me wish I was on an island..alone. But they also make me laugh the loudest. And they are the ones I want to share all my good and bad news with. They are the first people I think about when I want to hang out. They gave me some of the bestest memories I've ever had. And most of all, they taught me how to care and love in a way I never knew I could. My friendship with these people have constantly mould me into a better and wiser person. There is always something to learn. And I've learnt a lot.

The most precious thing I've learnt from them is this. Once you've forge a great friendship with someone, it can cross mountains and oceans, and though far apart, things always falls back into place when you're sitting across each other over coffee. Like you've never parted. Not a single second. :)

On the issue of love

How do you know when you love someone? How do you tell mere infatuation or a crush from the real deal? Do you just know or are you suppose to get the whole butterfly in the stomach and the not sleeping, not eating, not pooping, pure obsessing about him 24/7 thing?

I think there is kind of someone like that in my life right now. Let's just say that things aren't exactly how people might expect them to be. Though incredibly complicated it's feels like one of the easiest thing to do. Because I'm really doing the only thing I know how to do. Love. Care. And be happy. And oh my goodness, I've been so so happy I didn't even think it was possible. Not under these circumstances at least. But I am.

But I'm also afraid and scared shitless sometimes. Because it is so real and yet it is so surreal. It's like I'm stuck in a realm between reality and fantasy. And when I'm really scared, I feel like drawing back into thinking that this is all a dream. The vagueness of the situation clouds my mind and sometimes I really think I have no idea what I'm doing. And then I'll proceed to think that I'm crazy for going through with something like this. And then he'll appear. And I'll be happy.

And suddenly everything makes sense.

On the issue of self-discovery

Come November, I will take my final bow and be released from the clutches of tertiary education (that is, if I pass all of my exams). As excited as I am about not having to sit for exams ever again and be done with thick and outrageously expensive texts, I am scared of climbing one step higher into the "next phase". So scared, all I want to do is crawl back into my mother's womb and never come out. While I now still have my ambitions and dreams, I'm afraid that once I leave this phase - where I'm still learning and where it is still okay to make mistakes, that I'll lose sight of all that I've ever wanted once I become part of the system. It is the system that I fear. Where a person rushes to graduate, finds a job and become a drone of the corporate world that brainwashes you with ideas of grandeur that are mere hollow ideas that will leave you empty when you're a 70 year old with no teeth.

Being brought up in an Asian country where the Asian culture and values are what made the system, I am subjected to this fate. Everything that I did, I did it for someone else. I did it for family. I did it for honour. I did it because I had to. Because if I didn't, I would not be able to live it down. Chasing after my dreams will have to come later. But right now, I have to do what is expected of me.

But I was not forced into this. I technically had a choice. But being the person I am, I might as well had none. Deep down, I want to do this. Is this a sense of obligation? Perhaps. Or maybe it's gratitute or being filial. I think it is out of love. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make because in the scheme of things, it is a very paltry form of it.

I am still however hoping to one day escape the system and to make my own life in a way that I can be proud of.

I have a lot of faith.

On the issue of patriotism

I went to Australia during the winter break. I was there for 20 days. 15 days in Melbourne and 5 days in Sydney. Being there on my own was truly a great experience. Being in a strange foreign place, gave me a diferent perspective on things. A lot of things. For one, the weather was cold and dry and my skin was happy. Not a hint of oil. My face was oil-free for 20 days. I was a happy girl. And then, you could literally walk anywhere. I have never walked so much in my entire life. I have never had so many blisters on my feet in my entire life. YES. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Being in Australia, made me itch to travel more. Being constantly surprised by things and learning of things you've never known, makes you feel like you know NOTHING about the world. There is constantly so many things to learn about and to see for yourself. You pick up little things along the way. And these will stay with you forever.

Most of all, being away from home, makes you love it even more. I realise that during my time in Australia, I was constantly comparing it to Malaysia. Constantly thinking of ways to improve it but never once the thought to leave it or to no longer call it home. And being in a place where everything looked and sounded so foreign I finally understood the meaning of home.

It is that sense of belonging. Knowing that it belongs to you and you belong there. Where the connection is automatic and there is no need for you to even try to adapt. It's all natural. It just fits.

I haven't travelled that extensively, but I'm pretty certain that no place would even come close to feeling like home.

On the issue of not updating since David Archuleta lost

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT ARCHIE LOST?! Come on....that David What'shisname wasn't even that great to begin with. And that winning song sounded so sissy. And what is wrong with the world today? How can a band like the Jonas Brothers be one of the hottest boybands in America? Seriously? How can people even listen to all that whining and screeching? How can radio stations be so cruel by playing it so damn often on the radio?!

Okay I haven't been blogging in almost 3 months and so much has happened and so much has changed. I have changed. I guess in some ways I'm quite different from who I was 3 months ago. I have more responsibilities, I have more commitments, I'm a lot more disciplined, I'm trying to be more determined and all these have been making me feel a whole lot better about myself. Even if I did get a horrible hair cut again. But the most important thing is that I've been very positive lately and I really like this.

Sing Yieng came back with me from Australia. This time we got to spend more time together and it really reminded me of how it was when she was around all the time. Being with her in Australia and being with her back home made me realise how much I've missed her company. And as I write this, she's probably watching some movie on the airplane or dozing off in her seat. She's always such a joy to have around and it makes me very happy to know that after 3 years of being constantly apart, nothing has changed. That best friends do remain best friends no matter where you are. :)

Who knew so much could happen in 3 months. :)

melia signed out with love @ 12:26 AM (0) earthling(s) farted

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..What About Amelia?..

Because this blog needs an introduction
Here goes!

I'm 40% mature, 30% child-like
10% fashionista, 8% dork
6% klutzy, 3% dreamer
2% blur, 1% hero x)

I also want to marry John Mayer
And oh, I want a pet unicorn too x)

More self-absorbed information here!!

..Mood-o-meter..