....It's The Lil' Things That Make Life Sweet....

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

This is going to be quite a long entry. Be warned.

When I first found out about Bersih 2.0, I was excited. I remembered Bersih 1.0 and how I wanted to go. Year 2008 was when I started paying attention to the current affairs in Malaysia. I poured over articles upon articles about Malaysian politics and the injustice that has plagued this land. It was that year where my passion and love for this country lit up from a flicker to a roaring flame. When Bersih 1.0 came, I didn't go. I was still in college at the time and I felt that I owed it to my parents to focus on my studies. I followed the event online. I felt a sense of pride seeing Malaysians united for a cause. I hated myself for not being there and told myself, should there be a next rally, I will be there.

True enough, Bersih 2.0 came along. The moment I found out it was happening, I knew I had to be there. For the few weeks before 9th July, I was the annoying girl spamming everyone's news feed on Facebook, informing people about Bersih 2.0 and why they should go. It's for free and fair election! Stand up to be counted! Be a part of something bigger than yourself! Bersih is going global! It was all very positive.

Then came the likes of Ibrahim Ali, Khairy Jamaluddin, Hishamuddin and Persatuan Anak-anak Silat Lincah threatening to spill blood and wage war. The peaceful rally that was Bersih 2.0 was no longer that. Suddenly going to this rally wasn't as simple and positive anymore. Because of the opposition and threats, many of my friends who initially wanted to go and check it out decided against it. And who could blame them when these racists and extremists have been sprouting their hatred for weeks and no action were taken against them. As the date of the rally drew closer, we were bombarded daily with ridiculous news of people getting arrested for wearing yellow t-shirts, people getting arrested under the Emergency Ordinance because they had in possession t-shirts with faces of ex- communist leaders. Suddenly, the Jews were involved and evil foreign powers were plotting to take over Malaysia.

When tension sky-rocketted, our Yang Di-Pertuan Agong stepped in to diffuse the tension by advising both the rally organisers and the government to dialogue and come to a compromise. Our King even granted the Bersih organisers an audience and our Prime Minister announced that the rally could go on if it were held in a stadium. Suddenly, everything was rosy again. One day after that announcement, he passed the buck to the police to decide if the rally can go on in the stadium. More threats. Nation wide clampdown. More arrests. It was chaos. And this was before the rally even begun.

At that point, I was tired of all the fighting. I even felt that the rally should be called off because it has already done it's job. I believe in Bersih 2.0 because I believed in spreading awareness to the people. With all the big hoo-hah going on even before the rally happened, people, some for the first time in their lives, are aware of the situation we're in. That, to me, is a big win. But Bersih organisers were saying that the rally would still go on despite being declared illegal. I felt that it was quite irresponsible of the organisers to still go on with this. I thought the rally wasn't necessary after what we achieved. I felt that they were being too egoistic and they weren't choosing their battles wisely, putting everyone in harm's way.

Despite what I thought, I was still determined to go. Someone asked me, "Why are you still going when you don't believe in it anymore?". To be honest, at that point, I didn't have a good answer. I said, "I just feel that I must be there." And now in hindsight, I can finally articulate how I felt then. At that point, it didn't matter whether I agreed or disagreed with having the rally. I felt that I had a duty to be there with my countrymen (and women) to support them. Because we were all putting faith in one another to be there. People were going because they believed that others will be there and I just couldn't let them down. At the end of the day, even with our differing opinions, we all had a common ground - we love this country and we want it to get better. That was an enough reason to go.

The morning of the rally, I panicked. So many things ran through my mind. What if I get killed? How could I do that to my family? What if I lose a limb? I just managed to get my life together, how can I let it fall apart? Maybe I shouldn't go. But I want to. It was very very confusing when the only person you have to debate with is yourself. It didn't help when my parents opposed to my going. My mother laid the guilty trip on me, asking me not to do this to her and that she didn't sleep the whole night, worrying about what might happen to me. My father lectured me for being selfish. For not thinking of them and what it would do to my mother should anything happen to me. They were furious. They were being my parents. And so I relented. I felt that it was not worth putting my almost crying mother through this over a rally that I think didn't need to happen. So I called my friend and told him I couldn't go. He understood. I felt so bad. I felt that I betrayed everyone and most importantly, I felt that I betrayed myself. So talk to my parents again. After explaining to them how I felt and reassuring them that I will keep safe and not be a hero, they reluctantly let me go.

And off I went.

I was to meet my friend, Casper, at Tropicana City Mall and take a shuttle bus to Kelana Jaya LRT station. The drive on the LDP was so pleasant. It was 11pm and no sign of traffic. Not even near the always congested 1Utama Shopping Mall. I guess everyone was staying at home.

So I parked my car and met up with Casper and his friend Karl. At Kelana Jaya, we met up with my collegue, Aurelia and her boyfriend. It would have been like any other Saturday if we weren't going to this rally. While on the LRT to Pasar Seni, we tried to get our stories together incase we get questioned by the police. It was indeed funny, trying to come up with different ideas. I was to meet my cousin for lunch at Petaling Street and go for ACCA classes at Kasturi College. I even brought a folder to look the part.

We reached Petaling Street just before 12pm. It was eerily empty and quiet. Police presence was everywhere but no one made a move. Only a few stalls were open. The streets were empty. KL had become a ghost town. It was like out of a scene of a zombie apocalypse movie. At Petaling Street, we met up with my cousin, Sean, and his friend Justine, her mother and friends. We had quite a party going. The atmosphere at Petaling Street was pretty tense. But not in a bad way. You could hear the soft chatter of people. Some were standing around, some were sitting but everyone had the same look on their faces. They were waiting for something to happen.

And out of nowhere, there was a huge crowd and people started cheering. Till this day I am still amazed and curious as to how did that happen. Where did all these people come?! KL was on lockdown for goodness sake. There were policemen everywhere! It was as though these people sprouted from the ground like garden gnomes.

The march began. People starting cheering and chanting "Hidup, hidup! Hidup, Rakyat!", "Hidup, hidup! Hidup, Malaysia!". The air was electrifying. Goosebumps. A sense of exhilaration coursed through my body. This is really happening. We were gathered at Petaling Street and we started marching. Our crowd grew bigger and bigger. I have never seen so many different faces in my life. People from all walks of life, from all colours and creed. It was amazing. If I didn't have to move with the crowd, I would have stood there staring, jaw agape, taking it all in. It was such a wonderful sight to behold. I never felt more Malaysian than I have there, walking with my brothers and sisters, shouting the same cheers, feeling the same pride and love for our country. Remembering it still gives me goosebumps.

In that moment, I was in Malaysia. People were laughing, clapping, taking pictures, waving flags and yellow t-shirts. It was like we were in a carnival. When told to stop, people would shout the orders to others and they will carry the orders on to those behind them. The co-ordination and unity was amazing.

We marched towards Menara Maybank and as we did, we pass a line of policemen. They just watched us and let us through. As we walked pass them, cheering, the leader cheered "Polis!Polis!", and at that point, I panicked! I told Casper, "Oh no, they shouldn't provoke them!!" but instead of saying anything offensive, he followed it up with "Polis baik!". You could hear the nervous laughter of relief by the crowd which then build to a hearty roar. I could see that the police themselves were trying not to laugh as well.

There was already a huge crowd in front of Menara Maybank. Upon spotting us, they cheered for us to join them. We did. There were so many people. This event kept me amazed the entire time. One guy was giving out bananas to everyone. "Pisang Bersih! Pisang Bersih", he said! It was hilarious. There were balloons and people selling Bersih bandanas. Everyone is clapping and cheering. Casper even went to a bunch of Malay guys to get a picture with them. They welcomed him and they took pictures like close friends. A Chinese guy wearing a Bersih shirt became a very popular with everyone wanting a picture with him. It was such a light and positive atmosphere. I am only stating their race to show you how it didn't matter.

Halfway through, I got a call from Gerard, another friend. After a lot of confusion and shouting to hear each other, we finally found each other. He was there with Jolynn and their friends. Our group just got bigger.

From a distance we could see the FRU trucks. They moved closer. When we saw that, we inched away further. I wasn't there to get chemically-laced water on me. I have sensitive skin. The first round of water cannons were fired. People were boo-ing but didn't back away. We stood there, watching. It was until theu fired their first round of tear gas that the crowd started moving back. You could feel and hear the anger of the people. They had no reason to fire tear gas at us. There was no provocation. We were just standing there!

We stood near Hotel Ancasa and watched things unfold. There were brave people who marched forward towards the trucks. Things were getting tense. They unleashed the water cannons again. You could see the blue/green tint of the water. I was enraged. How could they! Such cowards, attacking unarmed civilians! Another round of tear gas and this time we weren't so lucky. I could slowly feel my throat engulfed by the gas. My eyes starting hurting and so did my cheeks. There was momentary panic. People were trying to escape the tear gas, pushing people to move forward quicker. I was guilty of this too. Suddenly, a strong commanding voice shouted at everyone, "Bertenang! Don't push!". That snapped everyone back from being like scared animals. We are people and we are going to act like one. I am thankful to that person, whoever he is. Because of him, everyone moved in a calm orderly way despite the pain we were enduring.

The scary thing about mass panic is that your first instinct is to run. And that is how you get separated from the group. I tried really hard to make sure my group was within sight. I always scare myself a little when I can't find my cousin or Casper or one of my friends anywhere. But at the end of the day, we managed to keep together till the end. While the tear gas stung all of us, people were offering salt to others and water to wash their faces. Everyone was genuinely concerned for one another. No one was left behind.

We then took refuge at the entrance of Hotel Ancasa. Men were washing their faces at the fountain in front of the hotel. You could hear people going around saying, "Garam! Garam!". We went up the entrance of the hotel to recuperate from being tear-gassed. There were a bunch of Malay makciks there, all probably in their 40's to 60's. They saw us and asked us, "Dik, ambik garam. Ada apa apa tak?". We told them that we were fine and thanked them. I was amazed (again) that these brave ladies were there, in the height of it all. They were in their baju kurungs. They came from Perlis, Kedah, Kelantan. They were someone's mother and grandmother.

All of a sudden, there was a commotion and we see a bunch of policemen running towards the entrance of the hotel. We were at the corner of the hotel entrance and there was so where to run. We were trapped. As I saw them running towards us, I felt something I've never felt before. Fear. It was very scary. How is it that I didn't do anything wrong, didn't hurt anyone but am afraid when I see the police running towards me? I inched as close to the glass wall of the hotel as I could. Sean and Casper was in front of me. We were all quiet. I knew they were afraid too. They were dragging and pulling this man away for having a Malaysian flag. His mother or wife (I'm not sure who she is to him) was crying and begging them to stop. "Tolong, tolong! Jangan! Jangan! Tolong lah!", she said in her quivering voice. My heart broke. As I pressed my back against the wall, I noticed there was a makcik hiding behind the giant flower pot next to me. I didn't notice her because her tudung and baju kurung were the same shade as the flower pot. She was mumbling prayers as that scene played out. I was thinking to myself, "Yes, pray for us too.". It would have been a very comical scene if it weren't for it being very real. Seeing a man get roughly hauled away by the police for having a Malaysian flag, for doing nothing wrong, is very unnerving and scary. I was quite freaked out. I thought we would be next.

We were lucky that they didn't come after us. Maybe the makcik's prayers helped. After they were gone, we were all quiet. Makcik broke the silence, "Inikah 1Malaysia? Melayu tangkap melayu! Bodoh!", she said, fire in her wrinkled eyes. I nodded sadly and asked her if she was okay. She asked me if I had salt. I gave her some and she thanked me, "Ohhh, terima kasih, adik." When I left to join my friends, she pulled me and asked me where I was going. I told her I was going to be with my friends. She told me to keep safe.

We couldn't leave Hotel Ancasa because there were FRUs on both sides, firing tear gas and water cannons at anyone who attempted to get too near. It made me wonder if they really wanted us to disperse or if they just wanted to show us their might and make an example out of us. We were pretty much trapped and were sitting ducks. There was nothing we could do but wait.

Finally, the trucks on one side backed away. A bunch of us quickly made our way back to Petaling Street where we thought the narrow streets will keep us out of harms way. Upon reaching Jalan Sultan, we saw a big crowd making it's way toward us. It was HUGE. Throngs and throngs of people walked through Jalan Sultan. It was a never-ending sea of people just walking past us. It probably took around 10 minutes before the crowd thinned out. We joined the crowd again, this time with the aim of walking to Stadium Merdeka. Unfortunately, we never made it out of Petaling Street as any attempt was met with more tear gas. By that time, I has no desire to get tear-gassed again.

We waited and waited until it was around 4pm. We were famished so we went to the McDonald's to have some food. It felt really good to sit down. Really good. We sat with a man from Sg.Buloh who has been an active rally participant since the Reformasi days in 1998. He asked if we were first timers. We said yes. He said this time, the rally feels different. "It's multi-racial", he said. Indeed it was.

After getting food in our stomachs, we decided to go home. We walked towards Pasar Seni LRT station only to find out that it was shut. We had no choice but to walk to KL Sentral. We walked with a crowd, and suddenly we see people running in the opposite direction. There was a police barricade in front and they wouldn't let anyone pass. By that time, everyone was tired, angry and fed-up. People starting shouting, "Kita nak balik la oiiii!!". One policeman told us on the loud speaker to use another route. Everyone boo-ed them but we complied. We walked and walked and walked. There were Chinese aunties, Malay makciks, Indian uncles and a lot of young people walking with us. Everyone just wanted to get home. We walked pass FRUs and their trucks. They watched us. We just walked on. Baju kurung clad makciks in front of us were talking animatedly about Perkasa and the silat group. "Perkasa kat mana? Dah tak Perkasa dah? Anak-anak lincah tu mana?". Everyone laughed. It is true though. They were no where to be seen. Instead, these makciks and aunties were. That says a lot about their credibility. You know what they say about empty vessels.

I have never been so glad to see KL Sentral. We finally made it after walking 2.8km, after earlier marching through the streets of Pudu and Chinatown. My legs hurt so bad. Everyone was exhausted. Everyone was stinky and sweaty. Everyone needed a bath.

At KL Sentral. They shut down the LRT. It wasn't just the rally-goers that was inconvenienced, there were people and tourists who needed to get to places. We were so tired, we couldn't even muster up anger. Eventually, we took the KTM and everyone got back home safe and sound.

So after all that, did I regret going? Not one second. I came home to friends and family saying that they were proud of me and that I am their hero. That was too much. I didn't feel like a hero. I just did what I felt I needed to do. I did it for myself. I wanted to. I certainly didn't feel like I was better than those who didn't go.

After reading Bersih stories and the outpouring reaction from my friends (my facebook news feed was all about Bersih 2.0), I have now changed my mind. Bersih 2.0 was necessary. It did need to happen and there was a point to it. Because of this rally, people are not only aware of what is going on, they have also learnt, through those that went, that there is no need to fear. So many friends have told me that they regretted not going and that they wish they went. Some say they are now inspired to do more for the country, to be more selfless and to start, they're going to register to vote!

Bersih 2.0 has showed everyone that there is unity in Malaysia. It has showed us that our people are good and kind. It has showed us that through turmoil, Malaysians care for one another. It broke all stereotypes and shed upon us a new light on our brothers and sisters.

Before Bersih happened, I wrote about how Malaysians are apathetic and selfish. I have said that we are not mature enough for a change and that we have a long way to go. I stand corrected, pleasantly so. The people I saw that day actually consisted of Indian machas, Chinese ah-bengs, tidak-apa Malays and the confused Lain-lains. People that I thought were ignorant fools. Everyone was there, not a single type left out. I felt really bad and arrogant for assuming things I do not know. I was proven wrong. It was humbling and such a great feeling. Now after Bersih, I believe that Malaysians are ready for change. They certainly are ready to learn and to know more. I believe Bersih has opened their eyes and have left them more open to ideas and suggestions. This is the time to teach our people how a democracy should work. Everyone at that rally had different beliefs and opinions, we were there for different reasons, yet we could still walk together, as one people. We learnt how to set aside our differences, to agree to disagree, for the love of a country we all share.

This is tanah tumpahnya darahku. It is yours. It is ours. And that phrase has never meant so much to me than it has today.

Najib's administration is so wrong by mocking and ignoring the Bersih rally-goers. They are your true patriots and some of the best people you have. They risked all by going to this rally. They knew this wasn't some walk in the park. They were willing to risk their lives for the love of our country and people. These are truly courageous people who put country before self. Baharuddin Ahmad was one such person. He gave his life for his country and people. Even the Najib-endorsed 3rd level of defence of the nation, the Anak-anak Silat Lincah, can't attest to have the same patriotism.

Should there ever be a Bersih 3.0 (and I hope not, for the sake of this country) I imagine more people will stand with us because through Bersih 2.0, they would have found bravery that they never knew they had. Just like I did.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

melia signed out with love @ 4:08 PM (1) earthling(s) farted

Friday, January 28, 2011

Metamorphosis.

I am no longer who I was. It is time for me to accept this fact. A whole year of turbulence, drama, events, people, experience and soul searching, there is just no way I could expect to come out the same. I am, of course, grateful to once again be standing on my own two feet though sometimes I do mourn for the person who I've lost amidst the chaotic frenzy that has been my mind, my life.

I'm still getting used to this. Sometimes I feel like this life isn't mine and I'm just observing from the outside. I'm definitely rough around the edges now. Wow, I'm edgy. No more squeaky clean chirpy perky happy-go-lucky.

There is however a change that I like. I'm no longer afraid to express myself because the people whom I once sought validation from, are gone. Simply put, I don't have a give a fuck anymore. So if I feel like breaking into a song, I will. If I want to dance (and I'm a horrible dancer), I will. And if I want to have 3 slices of cake at one sitting, I sure as hell will. I don't know how well this will go in the long run, but I've been pretty happy.

I think what sprouted this behaviour is that I've realised that no matter how perfect you strive to be, you will always be judged. Someone out there is going to frown their fugly faces at you. I used to be that person who wanted to please everyone that came my way, but it proved too taxing for me and so impossible. It also bit a huge chunk off my ass. And yes, it hurt, tremendously.

I spent almost all my life giving and caring for others. Putting their feelings and needs above mine. After awhile, it was expected of me. I say this because the moment I did something for myself, a whole lot of drama will happen. No bueno.

However, the Pisces in me can't stop caring though. It makes me happy to be there for people and to cheer them up. I just can't see a sad person and not want to help. Every fibre of my being would want to reach out to give a little solace to that distressed soul, simply because, I've been there before. So I guess this is a part of me that I get to keep. The difference is that there are no labels this time. No one is more special than the other. Everyone is expected to come as freely as they go.

Another change that is mighty depressing is the constant effort to harden my heart. This is proving to be very painful as I'm a sappy romantic that wears her heart on her sleeve. The idealistic dreamer in me wants to believe that love is a beautiful thing but the reality is, love is as dangerous as it is beautiful. It is so easy to be swept away, especially a person like myself, who gets ahead of herself with fairy-tale like fantasies. Love is never fair too. I thought I met the love of my life, my kindred spirit. I basked in the rarity of meeting someone I could connect with, whom I loved and could love me back. It was perfect, was it not? Alas, reality dictates that it is not and it tore my world apart. And as I licked my wounds, others came along, offering a glimmer of hope, that maybe, maybe there is someone out there for me. One was almost perfect, said he loved me but was too dramatic and fickle for his own good, left me hanging and backed out. Another one, I can't help falling for, is unattainable. And there is another who thinks I'm perfect but doesn't make my heart skip a beat. Love is one twisted dangerous web I'll never see myself winning. Thank God, I have an ego big enough to ensure I'll never lose that badly? Or maybe that's me trying to make myself feel better.

As dandy as things have been so far, I need to establish a bit of control (which I might have accidentally thrown out the window). While all this has been fun, I can see that it can be detrimental sooner or later, for this isn't true happiness. This isn't enough for me. This momentary happiness will eventually make me realise what I'm lacking in life.

I can't just ride the wave of change. At some point, I have to make it mean something.

melia signed out with love @ 7:25 AM (0) earthling(s) farted

..What About Amelia?..

Because this blog needs an introduction
Here goes!

I'm 40% mature, 30% child-like
10% fashionista, 8% dork
6% klutzy, 3% dreamer
2% blur, 1% hero x)

I also want to marry John Mayer
And oh, I want a pet unicorn too x)

More self-absorbed information here!!

..Mood-o-meter..